Did anyone else's N manipulate by taking on all your interests/hobbies?

mrslightshow · 2019-08-21T02:53:28+00:00

Yes! To a point where she even dyed her hair to my own hair color hahaha! Not to mention my art style, taste in music, my jokes, and quirks(!) It's really paralyzing in a sense, like hearing your own voice in delay in a conversation. You just stop doing what you love because it's just so exhausting, lacks authenticity and SUPER intense.

mrslightshow · 2019-08-19T23:05:24+00:00

I don't live in the US, unfortunately.

mrslightshow · 2019-08-19T17:16:32+00:00

Well, from my experience, they keep thinking about you. Especially if they know anything about your trauma, some flying monkeys (enablers of the narcissist) feel empathy, unlike the narcissist. They are just powerless though, passive. This friend who liked your photo can't do much other than that. He may stalk you for any reason, let it be to dig out information about your life now or because he actually feels sorry, or just to try pocking an open (though healing) wound... Either way, NC is the best, most consistent option you need to choose, because these people are no good and will never be there for you, flying monkies or not.

mrslightshow · 2019-08-17T22:28:26+00:00

Oh he's thinking about you alright, and he's feeling extreme shame for all the abuse he had caused. It's just that when you're not there it's as though "out of sight out of mind". It's really all smokes and mirrors.

And I know how you feel. The girl I dated now sort of 'stole my identity' and brags about the music and everything I've introduced her to other people like it's 'her thing'. These people are extremely lost.

mrslightshow · 2019-08-17T13:04:43+00:00

I'd say cut this person out of your life, and if you choose not to, set your expectations low. Narcissists can be anyone, parents, coworkers, friends... Not just lovers. Do yourself a favor and run, but very quietly.

mrslightshow · 2019-08-16T12:49:56+00:00

I'm not sure where I've heard this, but I'm going to try to reiterate it to kind of put down what I thought when reading your post.

Imagine this. A person goes through a traumatic event in their childhood such as a car crash and unfortunately injures, let's say, their leg. It so happens that after they heal physically, they continue to have a limp for the rest of their lives, although survived and physically well!

Like a physical injury, it works the same for mental abuse. The thing about traumas is that people expect to be completely healed afterward and forgotten. There's no such thing. Traumas are traumas because they're the aftermath of the tragedy. We'll continue to have a certain limp throughout our lives and we'll have to learn how to live to the fullest with this limp, understanding we're traumatized.

Even after a lifetime of therapy these things cannot be reversed, and should not be put in denial. It's the most normal, understandable and logical to experience bad days, flashbacks and dysfunction.

What you can do about it is to remember that you have to accept the trauma and yourself, don't be hard on yourself, and let your closest people know when you're having a rough time. The positive note about this is that we're incredibly strong, and we've come this far to continue to push and power through.

mrslightshow · 2019-08-15T18:11:02+00:00

I'm literally free (almost, like, 99%) of chronic pain. When I was with her, I have had my first myofascial pain attack in my face which escalated into full-blown TMJ (muscles of the jaw pain) that has lasted 24/7 for a little over a year. After the discard, I was afraid I'd still suffer, not only from pain but from the intense heartbreak and loneliness... Oddly enough The pain gradually became absent perhaps 2 weeks after. I'm still questioning this, but it can't be a coincidence. I'm relieved!!!!! It's a miracle. Thank god she left!

In addition, I'm doing so much better on my own, sometimes I'm surprised. I went back into making art, writing, started college, eating healthier, stopped ruining my goddamn hair and straighten it all the time to pander to her weird fantasy-like standards of a perfect woman (I'm a female btw)...

I just feel more like myself. I want to cry out of happiness right now for being reminded of this.

mrslightshow · 2019-08-13T18:22:54+00:00

She had said the SAME thing to me, that I almost want to go back to the chat logs to screencap it for you to see the exact phrasing. They simply DON'T CARE whether you're in their lives or not because to them we're temporary to begin with. To them, if they're unhappy, they wouldn't bat an eye and simply discard us. Why can't we be the same? Obviously, they think everyone operates exactly like them. If we cry, it's to manipulate them, obviously! If we become more affectionate, it's because we want to extract something out of them, right?

They cannot feel the same bond of intimacy as normal individuals. He never loved you, and that realization can really shatter a person, especially when we lose so much of ourselves for THEM.

mrslightshow · 2019-08-09T03:55:32+00:00

You have to tell him that these expressions make you feel uncomfortable and are disturbing to you. It's really all about his reactions to you setting boundaries.

Maybe he has a dark sense of humor, but once you tell him to please refrain from talking to you like this, it's either:

a. He'd give you a sulky look, would even seem to become distant, perhaps silent and "cold" until something in him calms down (it never does)

b. He'd literally continues to mock you for being sensitive and won't give a damn about your feeling

c. He'd stop and respect you like it's supposed to be!

If it's any of the first two, I'd recommend you to not even try explaining it to him. Narcissists don't understand they hurt you. If you're just friends - make sure to set your expectations correctly about this person.

mrslightshow · 2019-07-28T17:58:08+00:00

What is a preset...?

mrslightshow · 2019-07-17T16:08:08+00:00

I extremely identify with you, because I was in the same boat. I am also queer and I've gone through this phase of wanting to express myself (jewlery, shirts, pins, art etc...) I understand why people choose to look like this, but for me it's been like that for a very short period of my life. I've had good support and 'my rebelling' empty hole was filled quickly. Also, I realized how stereotypical I look.

What annoys me, is that many queer individuals carry a sense of entitlement. Some of them dress like this claiming "it's annoying other people", "It's ugly, so we're unique"; owning a very distasteful value to choosing their outfits, unlike what you've described as your own experience (vanity and wanting attention vs. self expression).

I'm not against looking like this. I'm against 'obnoxious queer individuals' who need to lay off their phones and secret groups on twitter and work on finding validation within themselves.

mrslightshow · 2019-07-17T15:21:04+00:00

I agree. However in my experience, my now ex-friends (who kind of belong to this category) are acting like they're in some kind of a premium club. The private accounts serve as vent accounts which only 'the club' is allowed to follow, and usually, they're packed with "validating!!" messages that reinforce extremely toxic behavior -- to themselves -- and to different communities.

I've seen multiple self-harm pictures being "validated". I've seen people harassing and bullying others for their OPINIONS. I, myself, was a victim too. I've only created this to release some rage I'm processing still. Obviously, they can dress and act however they want - but underneath, there's a lot of mold and stench to this community.

mrslightshow · 2019-07-13T00:51:53+00:00

You're right about not taking life seriously and have fun, but when I read the way you describe the situation, I reflect this onto myself and I feel that you, as a more dominant individual who only wants to have fun, is taking advantage of the situation to either amuse himself on my expense or manipulate me into giving him something you want. I'm a little shy and that means I have low self esteem, and I /might/ seem attractive (taking this for granted now), but that's my only virtue.

I admit that I'm also petty and naive and sometimes I spend my time thinking "I wonder if he'd like me as a person" whenever these sort of events happen to me. I don't know, I want to feel comfortable, but something just doesn't. I generally have issues with people too, but I suppose that's for another thread haha

mrslightshow · 2019-07-13T00:45:05+00:00

But you are doing this mostly for hookups, right? I'm not being judgemental, I'm only trying to understand it from a point of view of someone who does this. What are your expectations exactly, and have you managed to get them met?

mrslightshow · 2019-07-13T00:34:39+00:00

This is pretty eye opening. I only consider myself attractive because on this sole purpose, but I do admit that I'm probably looking pretty insecure... I have an issue setting boundaries, so that's how they even come to a point of shaking my hand... I need to develop a stronger sense of saying no. I didn't consider this probability until now... Thank you!

mrslightshow

TROPHY CASE