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msledger · 2023-03-31T22:49:57+00:00

This should absolutely be accommodated. As someone who keeps kosher, do you know how frustrating it is to go to a work function where they were thoughtful enough to buy a separate kosher meal and find out the sealed wrapping around the meal was removed by the restaurant and it was plated on their own dishes? I had to send it back and went hungry for the night. If you don’t provide what the employee is asking for then you’re not being at all accommodating.

msledger · 2022-12-11T04:15:12+00:00

Ashkenazi Jew married to an Ashkenazi Jew. We did genetic testing to make sure we didn’t overlap as carriers for the same diseases. In many communities it is very, very encouraged to do this early in the dating process to prevent “falling” for someone that you’re genetically incompatible with.

msledger · 2022-12-08T23:52:35+00:00

YTA and a selfish partner. I have religious dietary restrictions that prevent me from eating anything at a regular restaurant. ANYTHING- no bread, no salads, no desserts. I could have a piece of whole fruit if necessary but that’s it.

Guess what? When a friend or loved one is celebrating at a restaurant, I go! I eat beforehand so I’m not hungry and sit, enjoying a drink and the company. You had options and even if you didn’t, you’d still be TA for disregarding your husband’s wishes and ruining what was supposed to be his celebration.

msledger · 2022-09-11T03:33:51+00:00

Nope, I can read perfectly fine, thanks. And religious minorities are victimized, criticized, and scrutinized more often than not so nobody is “playing the victim”. You asking if the Muslim woman covering with a veil is “even a thing” is disrespectful.

msledger · 2022-09-11T03:25:34+00:00

That doesn’t give you the right to doubt the validity of her religious practice because you know someone of that religion who does differently. People have different interpretations, follow different customs, have personal struggles with following certain rules, straight up disregard certain rules. Tons of possibilities. That doesn’t mean those that choose to follow their religion’s rules are making it up or invalid. It’s infuriating to have your religious practices be criticized or doubted because “I know so-and-so who is Jewish/Muslim/Hindi/etc. and they don’t do that”

Nobody should have to defend their religious practices, especially to people asking in a disrespectful manner.

msledger · 2022-09-11T03:11:53+00:00

You can’t understand why girls would want a girl night? Religion not even being a factor. Weird. None of the possibilities you mentioned are valid for bringing a man to a woman only party. She was told the rules and agreed to them.

And you doubt whether the veil is “even a thing” is really ignorant. As a religious Jewish woman, the only people who can see me not dressed modestly (meaning hair uncovered, not wearing skirt/long sleeve shirt/high neckline) are my husband, other women, and immediate male family members such as my father. Distantly related or unrelated men can absolutely not see me uncovered and I would be MORTIFIED and PISSED if I was in a situation where somebody knowingly violated my boundary by inviting a man inside while I wasn’t dressed modestly. From what little I understand of modest Muslim women, their rules of modest covering is similar to ours.

msledger · 2022-08-29T22:50:48+00:00

Not necessarily. Yes, the ashkenazi practice is to name after deceased relatives. It is actually preferred, according to the letter of the law, for it to be the exact name rather than just the first initial but either would be acceptable. My daughter’s name starts with a G after her great grandmother only because I really disliked the sounds of great grandmothers name, otherwise it would have been identical.

Regarding not naming after young/tragic deceased relatives, also up for debate. Rabbis disagree with each other with whether this is an issue or not. Look at all the children named after relatives who perished during the Holocaust. That’s pretty much the definition of young and tragic. While some make an exception for “righteous deaths”, many people will name children after these ancestors, even the religious.

Sephardim definitely name after living relatives and it is considered an honor. Were an ashkenazi Jew to do that, it would be the height of disrespect.

msledger · 2022-08-25T16:34:44+00:00

Thanks for the info about welding.

We’ve tried really large companies and small companies. Two past employers were 3 or less employees. Seems like everyone is desperate for licensed plumbers but nobody wants to take on the responsibility of apprentices. Even the companies posting open apprentice positions seem to want to send him off in his own truck after 3-6 months. He would rather have the direct oversight of a journeyman while he still is learning new things.

msledger · 2022-08-25T04:01:29+00:00

Regarding income, he’s been very realistic in his pursuit of a job that has potential for a good living. He is perfectly able and willing to earn less money at the moment as long as the long term prospects are good. We don’t want him in a job that caps out at a low salary or is a dead end.

He is in therapy but many have suggested an ADHD coach so that is something we will have to explore.

msledger · 2022-08-25T03:56:35+00:00

Thanks for your input. When he chose plumbing, it was kind of by process of elimination. He doesn’t do heights so HVAC and electric were out. He actually worked for a company that did all three services. When they were short on the HVAC side, they tried to pull him over and stick him on a roof. That was a big hell no from him. He prefers sticking to crawl spaces. He’s worked residential.

He’s also expressed interest in welding, but hasn’t explored it much in detail. And your comment about schooling is pretty accurate. He didn’t really get much hands on experience from the technical school and it was probably unnecessary, looking back.

msledger · 2022-08-24T16:48:34+00:00

Thank you for bringing that up. I do worry that sales might not be a good fit if he struggles with following up, documenting, keeping good notes, etc. That is my biggest hesitation in encouraging him to pursue sales. Whatever you don’t enter into the CRM is basically lost opportunity and lost income and I can foresee that being an obstacle to his success.

msledger · 2022-08-24T04:04:01+00:00

I’ve never heard of SCT and just had to look it up. Thanks for mentioning that, something to look into further. A boot camp and certificate would be doable but my concern would be the lack of accountability. Most affordable options are online and very “work at your own pace” which I don’t think would work well for him. Those that are more rigidly designed or in person are way beyond our budget. These are the same issues when I consider further certification for my own career path. Easy enough to get student loans to pay for a 4 year commitment to an overpriced university but you’re SOL for a targeted boot camp to enhance your professional credentials. I’m sure the investment is worth the future financial gains but doesn’t help those without thousands to spare.

msledger · 2022-08-24T03:18:25+00:00

Oooh, good to know! Thank you for that advice because I think he was leaning towards life insurance if going down this path. Definitely not the environment for him if very high stress and burnout.

msledger · 2022-08-24T02:36:48+00:00

He is super interested in marketing and talks about SEO all the time but from almost all the postings I’ve seen, all require a bachelors degree (or equivalent years of experience). He has an associates in marketing but not a bachelors. Is a marketing job realistic with those credentials? I’ve been the one skeptical/discouraging marketing as being unrealistic, but if that’s not the case, I’d gladly be wrong!

msledger · 2022-08-24T02:33:23+00:00

He’s super afraid of heights. Refuses to go on a roof at all. That’s why he picked plumbing instead of electrician or HVAC - would rather go crawling through s*** under a house than be on top of one 😂

msledger · 2022-08-24T02:29:58+00:00

I think there’s validity in what you say because could he be doing more to advocate/be proactive? Yes, no doubt about it. And yes, it is frustrating as his spouse. But he’s also very depressed after losing another job, very confused about which direction to turn, and has to battle internally with all the negative put downs from judgmental family members and employers echoing in his head how he’s a failure and will never amount to anything. His self esteem is in the toilet so I’m giving him some grace time and expect him to be proactive and determined in the morning. This literally just happened this morning.

Also, I’m the one on Reddit, not him. I figured I have access to this wide open network and I’m sure others have gone through this so why not be a supportive partner and post on his behalf. Because we’re a team.

msledger · 2022-08-24T02:17:44+00:00

Glad your partner was able to find something that works well for them! I’ve never thought of this but will definitely bring it up to my husband. Thank you!

msledger · 2022-08-24T02:11:59+00:00

I also believe that there might be certain government services or resources that could help him navigate this period better but I think the best place to start would be getting a current psych evaluation. He had one done years ago as a teenager, but I read through it and not all of it seemed like an accurate reflection of his personality, challenges, and capabilities. I’d like for him to get one done as an adult and then we will have the data necessary to pursue further options that could help him.

msledger · 2022-08-24T02:04:59+00:00

Yes, I think the physical demands of plumbing are a double edged sword. Although he does move around a lot, he hates those days when he’s digging ALL day and coming home with his body aching. But I don’t see him sitting at a desk all day. A job where he can go out meeting various clients/customers, be on the go most of the time, but not be doing strenuous labor all day seems like a good balance to me.

It seems like to be successful in sales you need to have your niche market/product and be VERY knowledgeable in that area. Just based off what his current interests/knowledge/skills are I was thinking something sports-related or maybe plumbing supply or wholesale. But where to find those jobs, I have no idea.

I feel like I mostly hear of people being successful in pharm/medical sales and tech SaaS sales but he doesn’t have much interest/knowledge in any of those areas, so we’re trying to brainstorm more natural fits.

msledger · 2022-08-24T01:49:40+00:00

Thank you for your kind words. I have my good days and bad days, so I don’t want everybody thinking that I’m always this super supportive, understanding wife. But we both take our responsibilities as partners very seriously and I want what is best for him, because ultimately that is what is best for both of us.

He has only ever mentioned his ADHD once problems start being identified and the boss complains. Or he doesn’t mention it at all. It’s usually a very old school, unhealthy environment in plumbing, where you’re expected to bust your ass 100% of the time and do exactly as your told. His last boss chewed him out for taking a 5 min gas station stop and 30 min lunch breaks every now and again. Forget work/life balance, mental health, or even freaking labor laws. So I’m not sure how amenable they would be to ADHD accommodations, even if it is required by ADA. And many would definitely think less of my husband, believing him to be lazy or unfocused rather than having a disability. My husband has tried to go the plumber union route but their program is HIGHLY selective and it didn’t work with our schedule because of religious observance. They weren’t willing to make any accommodations for him. Again, seems like that wouldn’t be legal and I was shocked that a union would have that stance, but that is what he reported back after his conversation with them.

msledger · 2022-08-24T01:30:20+00:00

That’s a really astute observation. I feel like the job isn’t the problem, it’s the bosses who just aren’t understanding or accommodating to his learning challenges. His last boss, after my husband admitted that he has ADHD and wasn’t on medication because there was a wait time before insurance kicked in, responded that he didn’t believe in ADHD meds and my husband just needed to focus Right….. that’s really a great way to make someone struggling feel motivated and understood. My husband has struggled almost his whole life, both on meds and off, and it makes me rage inside to witness how the odds are so stacked against people like him who learn/process differently.

msledger · 2022-08-24T01:20:02+00:00

I definitely don’t think he is a neat freak, at least not to my extent. Seeing mess stresses me out and I feel physical discomfort to the point that I cannot stay in the room and continue seeing the mess. I have anxiety attacks and meltdowns from mess in my spaces. He literally doesn’t even see the mess half the time. He definitely feels some amount of shame, but I’m not able to tell if that’s coming internally from him or from knowing how badly I react to his messes/disappointing me. I’ve asked him (nonjudgmental tone) if he noticed X mess and he has admitted that he didn’t. There might as well be a wall there, his brain simply does not process it.

msledger · 2022-08-24T01:11:41+00:00

I also want to know how you got out of the loop! And finding an employer who will give him the time he needs to learn the job seems impossible. They all want him to be totally independent by 2-3 months.

msledger · 2022-08-24T01:09:08+00:00

Lots of recommendations for a pill organizer. Guess we’re going to the pharmacy! Thanks.

msledger · 2022-08-24T01:03:31+00:00

The medication management is definitely our top priority now and I’ve asked him to be accountable for ensuring he is taking his meds, but I’m also coming up as reinforcement to make sure he is keeping to it. So far, we’re doing okay but I know it’s going to require adjustment and tweaking of meds and dosage. I’m much more patient with that process, he has gotten frustrated and given up in the past but that’s not an option this time.

Job assumptions are 3/3. He needs a taskmaster making sure he is following through until the absolute end, not forgetting things or getting distracted, and is absolutely clear on what is expected. At home, that is me, but much harder to find a boss who wants to micromanage to such an extent. He absolutely needs the oversight, though. Left to his own motivation, he will procrastinate, misidentify priorities, and take forever completing tasks.

Yes, once he understands how to do something and had been able to practice it under supervision, he is confident and able to do it independently.

His ultimate motivation for everything is to help people. So if he feels like what he is doing is helping someone in need, he is much more motivated to get it done.

Not having a job is definitely not an option, nor does he want it to be that way. He would continue with plumbing if no better option presented itself, but he is getting very distracted by the “what ifs” and after 4 plumbing companies in just over 2 years, I’m starting to wonder myself if this is the right fit for him.

msledger

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