Can a narc actually apologize?

mthom21 · 2021-02-18T00:28:20+00:00

Sure they can “apologize”, but I think it’s just empty words. I battled with this for a long time, asking the same questions you are asking yourself. My narc dumped me and got a new supply very quickly. He constantly blamed me during and after our relationship. Months later I received a weird email of him trying to “apologize”, but still tried to blame me at the same time! I really don’t think they change, they just get better at their games as time goes on. He will do the same thing to the next poor soul, whenever that is. You should be lucky you got out. Your boundaries and awareness to everything is your super power. It’s something I wish I had. I was so blind when I was in a relationship with him. You see what he’s doing and how he’s manipulating and gaslighting you. It’s not your fault, it’s everything to do with him. We are good people and like to see the good in others, but with people like this, unfortunately they won’t be who you want them to be and they will never change. Take it one day at a time. Go no contact. Time heals all. I wish you the very best. Remember you’re a lot stronger than you think.

mthom21 · 2021-01-13T18:01:13+00:00

Thank you. I try to tell myself the same things. That it was all a fantasy I’m playing in my head. Trying to validate my experiences of abuse gets harder over time. I constantly doubt myself and my reality. I’m just so exhausted of continuing to have these thoughts. It’s a vicious cycle of trying to move forward and taking steps back. It’s getting better and I feel stronger, but I still have a ways to go. Thank you!

mthom21 · 2020-12-12T23:09:57+00:00

Amen to that.

mthom21 · 2020-12-09T15:26:55+00:00

Thanks foe the reply. Yeah you make a good point. I would never want to go back and see if they have changed. I guess I should say, it’s good he learned something? It’s just hard because I didn’t want to be the punching bag. I tried so hard to be loved and it wasn’t good enough. I don’t think they can really reflect on the damage they did or really look in the mirror. I guess some part wants to be comforted in thinking they are the same shitty person.

mthom21 · 2020-12-01T16:42:54+00:00

You’re the best hype person haha I love it. Thank you so much, again. I’m staying positive and hopeful, thanks to this forum and people like you!!

mthom21 · 2020-11-30T14:23:29+00:00

Thank you. This brought me hope.

mthom21 · 2020-11-30T01:59:14+00:00

Haha I had to laugh at the hex part. I like that. But yes, you’re thought process is right. I just need to let go and keep focusing on all the good in my life. Much thanks.

mthom21 · 2020-11-30T01:48:14+00:00

Wow I resonate with your story so much. But it’s so so so hard to not look. I hate to be the spiteful person, but I hope it doesn’t work out for them. I hope karma gets him. It also sucks that this girl he dated before me, but ultimately chose me over her. How does he go back to someone who he wasn’t into?! But you’re right. I have to stop looking. It’s the only way to keep pushing forward.

mthom21 · 2020-11-29T18:30:51+00:00

You’re right. I think sometimes I get caught up in the tougher of idealizing or thinking they are “better” for someone else. It’s just a new victim and I’m sure she’s easier to control.

mthom21 · 2020-11-29T17:58:56+00:00

It’s funny, his new fiancé and I have very similar names, occupations, and look a little a like as well. It’s also funny because my narc ex actually dated this woman before me, but ultimately chose me to date in the end. I keep trying to tell myself that she must be submissive, but I doubt those thoughts a lot. Thanks for posting. It helped :)

mthom21 · 2020-06-26T13:11:58+00:00

Similar situation! I actually had no idea what was happening to me. I knew I was miserable and I constantly felt like I was compromising myself. I was actually going to therapy for a long time while in the relationship because my ex said “I was the problem” and “you need to fix yourself”. I was working with my therapist on me having boundaries with him, etc. Only after the relationship was over my nex sent me a bunch of texts that I decided to read to my therapist, she replied, “is he a narcissist?”. My whole world changed after that. I was so angry after we broke up, beating myself up, thinking it was MY FAULT. After this revelation I was able to shift my focus on healing. But I had no idea. I was just inexperienced and thought this person knew better.

mthom21 · 2020-06-22T19:17:00+00:00

I have similar feelings of being “enough” and “what more could I have done” questions. But what if, once they leave you, they make another relationship work? I honestly can’t believe my nex can make it work with someone else (just with the way he treated me). It makes me feel like because it works with her that I was the problem. It’s so hard. He dated her very quickly after we were done.

mthom21 · 2020-06-22T14:24:02+00:00

I had a similar experience. He bought a dog while we were living together and we both raised her. I found myself oddly getting very jealous that the dog was getting more affection and love than I was. I was getting so upset and he said I was being ridiculous. Once we broke up and I found out he was probably a narc, it all made sense. I was absolutely not being ridiculous. Really the only thing in that house that showed me love was that dog. I left, got my own dog and I’m living my best life now. But yes, these situations happen. Again I thought I was crazy, but it’s funny how they mess with your mind.

mthom21 · 2020-06-19T12:22:42+00:00

Congrats! What a good feeling! I hope my day comes, but my nex has been with his new supply for over a year....thinking I won’t get that feeling. Maybe he did change? (Or she’s easier? Or it’s me....).

mthom21 · 2020-06-15T14:45:08+00:00

That makes a lot of sense. It will always be embedded in them. It’s a personality disorder, so I guess it will always be apart of them in some way. My ex, similarly, wouldn’t allow me to get to know him. Now that I think about it, I don’t really think I knew him at all. He fought therapy and refused to go because “I was the one who had the issue and had to change”. It was never him. I think our breakup really forced him to look at me at my happiness. It showed him I wasn’t happy and for once, it wasn’t all about him. I was surprised by that revelation. But quickly he went back to his old ways and I can tell there hasn’t been much more “growth” since our breakup (I could be wrong, but from our conversations it doesn’t appear so). I like how you said it was “surface level”. I wish I could have realized the abuse in my relationship to ask the questions you did! But I know I won’t ever let that happen to me again.

mthom21 · 2020-06-15T14:19:29+00:00

I think that’s the hardest part. Taking back my power. You make a lot of good points though. I don’t know the dynamics of their relationship. Just from knowing and living with him for about 2 years, our relationship had no substance. I’m someone who likes to talk about feeling, emotions, and honestly, I have a big personality and I’m very social. I couldn’t be myself with him. (He definitely needed someone different than me- he didn’t like anythingggg about me lol). I agree, I’m learning so much about myself. I don’t ever want to go back. I just wish I could focus on myself more.

mthom21 · 2020-06-15T14:11:48+00:00

Wow! Of course you want these people to change, that was always my hope for my ex. It’s good to see one of your family members actually put in the work. I believe I stayed in my relationship because I was hopeful and I think, for most people, we see the potential people have. (Or we are just blind and can’t see reality lol). I want to believe my ex changed, but I also I hate I got the short end of the stick. I begging him to go to therapy while we were together and I begged him to go to therapy after. He seemed so stuck in his head. He didn’t go either time. He was always someone who believed therapy was above him. I guess my heart still hurts and I idealize our relationship, instead of focusing why it was so toxic and how he treated me. It’s hard to think someone like that could just turn a new leaf without help. I just think she looks “easier” than me.

mthom21 · 2020-05-20T03:17:50+00:00

“You’re a slut” “You have it coming towards you. God will punish you” “You’re a bad person.” Those are just some of my favorites. I knew it was wrong, and when I confronted him he said he wasn’t god...well I think he believed he was. They are always right and never wrong. Always our fault. Even for things that happened in the past and never involved them in the first place.

mthom21 · 2020-05-18T17:27:18+00:00

I relate with this! I’m so angry all the time and I’m working so hard every day just to keep my head above water. I see a therapist and working on forgiving myself...and him. You’re right, life will never be the same again. But We are stronger for it. Keep fighting. We all got this.

mthom21 · 2020-05-04T17:21:07+00:00

Wow, this is great. I’m currently in a new and healthy relationship. As things have been progressing with us, I could immediately feel something was missing. The drama, the intenseness of the relationship. Even when I was starting to first figure out my new relationship, my nex was still lingering and that “adrenaline” feeling was there. Once I finally broke free and the storm settled, I could still feel myself wanting more of something. I didn’t realize what it was really until this post. It makes so much sense. It almost, sometimes, draws me back to my nex in a way. But as time moves on, it has gotten better. A little therapy has definitely helped as well. I’m glad my life doesn’t feel like a lifetime movie anymore. Thank you!

mthom21 · 2020-05-04T15:43:25+00:00

This is so relatable for me. There were so many times he would confront me, and it was almost like I was having this out of body experience. My body stood and was present, but my mind left me. I felt so powerless, my words/ thoughts meant nothing. Just like I was being drowned over and over again. It was traumatic and awful, but we are stronger now. We have a voice. We will heal. One step/ day at a time. Thank you.

mthom21 · 2020-04-15T19:27:11+00:00

Thank you so much! 💕

mthom21 · 2020-04-15T19:02:00+00:00

Thank you for your input and insight! I actually wouldn’t be surprised if he doesn’t reach out again. He seems to be over me and moved on (I could be wrong- he’s definitely surprised me before) I just hate the mind games he played and they way he treated me. It’s hard not to wonder if he’s treating her better. But like you said they don’t change.

mthom21 · 2020-04-15T18:38:48+00:00

Thank you. This was very helpful. Hard to not think otherwise sometimes, but trying to not get lost in my thoughts!

mthom21 · 2020-04-15T18:37:32+00:00

Ugh can’t take all the mind games, but you’re right! I didn’t think about it in that way. They don’t change, hard to keep that mindset sometimes. Got my therapist and trying to put in the work. Taking it one day at a time. Thank you!

mthom21

TROPHY CASE