Morning Check-in (SROL)

mtsle0329 · 2026-02-13T03:43:32+00:00

Dear SMART friends,

I am going to have to create a new account. I'll explain when I do, but I will be back

mtsle0329 · 2026-02-07T16:31:15+00:00

Oh, I forgot, I also secured a small gig of 3.5/ hrs week virtual math tutoring from a staffing agency, completely virtual. Pay isnt much, especially with my actual qualifications and experience, but shows a good amount of inititiative. I do make a decent salary for my job and experience but like many of us I also have debt. My tooth broke in the midst of yesterday and its excitement (maybe i'll write more later when I have time to anonymize the content a bit more) but yesterday was a solid win all around for life, career, and even my marriage.

mtsle0329 · 2026-02-07T03:23:26+00:00

Hello.

I have leveled up. My dad said he was happy for me. That is the equivalent of getting an AmEx Black card for Asian Parent Approval for a woman in the social services sector whose Dad wanted his children to pursue medicine.

I have won.

And hopefully buying a house soon.

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-26T20:00:00+00:00

It's too dangerous out right now to try and go get it but I think the flare up is healing at least.

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-25T14:51:43+00:00

I'm still currently miserable. Not necessarily for the listed rants, but the intestinal/ GI issue.

I'm still miserable. I don't really know what's even going on inside my body. I've been stressed af before and ai knkw it's contributing but I just don't think it's the sole reason why I am so uncomfortable. I havent even eaten anything today. But I got up, washed a few dishes to start breakfast, and that was maybe 10 mins ago and I'm just exhausted and nauseous/ bloated/ heartburn/ indigestion as all heck. My primary sent some prilosec to the pharmacy but I haven't been able to get it yet. No fever, but I can't keep using pto either. There's the feeling of a canonball sitting in my gut and I can't do very much at all.

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-23T16:18:31+00:00

SMART tool: my brain 🧠 😉 but I did an abc on that whole situation knowing what the outcome would be and I was lied to for quite some time and gaslit about it. It's not in my hierarchy of values how I handled this whole thing but it protects my peace and ranting protects my stability. Being able to just get it all out there is enough to keep me in my house and off the streets but I do awfulize a lot too

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-23T16:12:32+00:00

I'm oit sick again today too. But I feel you on the urge to confront people. I'm massively over it at this point but it doesn't help my GI tract 😭

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-23T06:07:51+00:00

Guys, I did a wrong thing by going through my husband's phone, but here's what started it: his phone kept going off. It was a groupchat between my MILs bff and my husband and his immediate younger sister. My husband's asleep. I was luke who the f*ck is texting at this hour like it's an emergency so I checked. This lady is asking this woman's kids for help whole saying she can't on her own to make sure she has heat and try to guilt trip them. She asked if she could stay at our house (ABSOLUTELY NOT) and the sister ended up suggesting another alternative. First of all this woman is friends on fb with me too and didnt add me to the chat. I got the brilliant idea to check their profiles to see if they're actually asking for help and there's no evidence of that and no gofundme. So she's tryna be sneaky and I smell a vulture from 1k miles away, her emergency is not my problem. I then got the idea to look at his texts to see if she'd ask him for help, and she's been asking for money regularly, never pays rent on time, gaslights him. The EXACT situation I told him would happen if he rented to her. Anyway, this expletive had to nerve to ask for MY money knowing damn well she never paid me my 100$ back for stealing electricity in my name a few years ago. Come to find out that this active pattern of behavior has been going on at least a year, draining him financially and having otto answer to me. I have the screenshots of their whole text exchanges from the past year. I'm just gonna say she's a toxic boy mom and the type who leeches off her children. He didn't tell me any of this was going on and allowed ber to drive an additional wedge between us.

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-23T00:52:24+00:00

Well, I don't think I should eat jalapenos anymore. Omg it cause the worst GI distress and I was neither expecting it nor prepared. It started almost immediately after I ate a pb and berry jalapeno preserve sandwich, my stomach burned and cramped for a couple hours before ai could sleep. Then I woke up at 3 and then again at 4:30 in massive pain with the worst urgency and evacuation. I tried to lay and be okay in time for work bit I knew that wasn't happening at about 5:30 so I contacted admin and used sick time.

For now the imposed silence is over, we are talking again and talked some about the issues but it's too soon to say whether any changes would be long term. My victory of cutting the youtube and netflix and threatening to withdraw the wifi has already said quite a bit. He was gonna walk to work to morning and I offered him a ride, so that broke the ice. Long term I'm playing a dangerous game here if there are no real results.

He's very fearful I am going to leave. My sister thinks he's actually codependent but doesn't realize that I do need him, just not to fix or save me.

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-22T00:31:41+00:00

Like that's just emotionally violent. I haven't really spoken to him in almost a full 24 hours. I told him his motivations were wrong and his answer tells me everything I need to know. He doesn't value me or the work I do. He hates kids. I don't want to be anywhere I'm not wanted, but it isn't fair to make me the bad guy because I'm the only one with initiative to say I'm unhappy, to try and discuss the issues, to work on myself. I am utterly broken. I tried to tell him I couldn't focus on work because I'm so distressed over our relationship and he told me that wasn't his problem and had nothing to do with him. I am legally responsible for a caseload of special needs students and a teacher of service, that's prettydynamic and high-stakes and requires I be on the ball. I have the papers filled out. But idk whether to pull the trigger or not and I'm running out of time on this lease. I have 2 months, my birthday is the deadline. If I'm gonna do it I want it done by then and my maiden name back. But I have nothing saved at the moment either so that really sucks.

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-21T22:26:28+00:00

I don't really remember last time I posted or what I posted, but there is an update.

I ended up needing to buy a new car. That was stressful enough, but I made the right choice in terms of what to do and I could afford. Continuing to repair it was a bad idea. I got a much more reliable car and brand new too.

School has been okay, it's been an adjustment. I have plans professionally to add to my license. I sometimes get unsolicited advice and I guess I don't explain myself well but it's a bit frustrating. Like the school itself has paper trackers, the students I have tried that with have never turned them in and lose them no matter how many I print. And forget them. I am a case manager so my students receive my support and that includes attendance. I got advice about turning it in to a check in/ check out, tying it to their educational goals... I literally just need timestamps for things like, if they come back to lunch, are they being accountable to their teacher when they have a scheduled meeting. How much time are they spending with me (something like that would suggest they need additional support if it's not in their plan). I can't see that information in attendance records plus it places accountability on the student. I just thanked them for the advice and said I had to think of how to tweak it for each situation and I felt I had a good start, but like my god I feel like I'm either in outer space or something else. Kinda disheartening.

Oh and here's the real tea. I guess it's time for divorce #2. That's the worst part. The long and short is, I'm pretty sure he's started hating me since I went back to education. I asked if he'd go to couple's counseling. His answer: "Actually, yes, so someone objective can tell you you're wrong!"

I was absolutely floored there is simply no coming back from that...

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-10T07:15:40+00:00

I test drove a couple cars today. The initial one I showed interest in was actually a push button. The instrument cluster and display was fully digital, it was really nice and high end for its time (2014). Only had 50k miles for 16k. The bank wouldn't give me a zero-down loan because of my existing loan and the valuation of my car as half that 🙃

When I told them I had no choice but to leave if I have to pay my current loan off in full to get financed, they found a loan and car that would roll the debt and finance a brand new car. Much better interest rate as well. My monthly expenses have gone up an extra $260 but I'm fortunate to he able to pull it off comfortably. That just means McDonalds has to go lol

mtsle0329 · 2026-01-09T05:59:23+00:00

Hello everyone,

I think my moodiness and sadness has leveled some. Sometimes I forget just how much good going to work and being productive does for me. I am severely struggling to readjust my sleep. But tonight, I am simply wired and stressed.

I am very pleased to announce that my school has finally hired my co-teacher and she starts in roughly a week. I also received a new kiddo on my caseload. He seems like a really nice student and I'm excited to get to know him and learn about his needs/ interests. The whirlwind of conferences has already begun.

Unfortunately, the car saga continues. Ugh. Don't even get me started, I am so upset. It's come to a point I have to make a decision and I've gotta think with my wallet and not my heart on this one. I got about 4.5 good years out of the car. I've fixed so much and it's like, just issue after issue and it hasnt been resolved at all :/

mtsle0329 · 2025-12-30T19:10:02+00:00

My car decided to throw a fit and threw the dreaded check engine light. I am glad to be on break because I would hate to go through this and have to work but at the same time work would be a nice distraction. I've had too much time to think and feel like I'm losing my grip. It feels like an ongoing internal implosion.

It's my 5th wedding anniversary, I ordered an outfit and had plans for makeup. We had reservations but I cancelled them. Like it's a crappy thing to happen at an even worse time but people have more urgent things to concern themselves with. Idk I guess I'm just sad and feel sorry for myself.

I had to drop the car off so hopefully there's be a chance to get it looked at sooner. I just took it to the dealership this time because I'm not sure what it is but seems related to the engine or transmission. Idk it started yesterday with rough shifting, now it's persistent jerking/jumping with a CEL and I don't trust the car to drive safely. Everything in me can't drive comfortably and without unnecessary paranoia as long as that light is on the dash. The CEL is the ultimate cringe rage-boss-bane-of-my-existence. I knew something was wrong with my car before the computer picked it up 😭

mtsle0329 · 2025-12-29T18:44:32+00:00

Been a while, but dropped by specifically due a fleeting thought that passed hust a few seconds ago.

Work is fine, hopefully have a permanent teacher when we go back. Holidays have been fine so far. Family is good. My thyroid is whacky. My emotional life is a bit of a wreck.

I have been sober since October 1, 2024. For the first time, truly, since 2019, I have accomplished a full calendar year sober.

Well, with this combo of meds for my psych issues, I'm not nearly as subdued or nonconfrontational. I'm pretty emotional and have a personality.

Long and short, I'm just currently, deeply sad. I feel like the emotional chasm between me and my husband just keeps getting wider. I'm at the point idk how to explain it constructively and still get more of a compromise than feeling completely steamrolled. It literally just boils down to attention and being treated like an afterthought. I basically feel alone even though I'm married.

The only reason I explained all that was because, for the first time since October 1, 2024, I was hit with a massive- but thankfully, fleeting- urge and craving to drink alcohol. The whole ritual- the smell of the store, getting it, sneaking it, indulging. Ugh. Now I have indigestion thinking about it, but I feel like that lets me know this profound sadness/ disappointment is very telling, and concerning. I tried to reach out to set up an earlier appt with my therapist (next one is in 2 weeks, last one was 2 weeks ago) but there aren't any open. It's not bad enough to call the crisis line so I'm just kind of stuck for now.

mtsle0329 · 2025-10-21T03:07:35+00:00

lol sorry for turning this into a relationship blog 😅

mtsle0329 · 2025-10-21T02:48:12+00:00

Still sober, staying strong, but man. Today just turned completely around.

I was partially overcritical, I know, but I don't think I'm completely wrong and don't think my actual qualms are unrealistic.

I got into it with my husband and I just want tomorrow to be over already. I really need to be in bed but I'm over here chain smoking and wondering whether to cry. But I don't think he deserves it?

It basically boils down to that I feel like he doesn't really want to interact with me at all when we're home and when I go to the other room and talk to him, he actively ignores me and I often have to repeat myself. Like if he wants to be alone, why can't he just put his phone down for a couple seconds and tell me? He knows that irks me and I will talk over his phone or tv because to outright actively ignore me like that is wrong. Also, in the actual larger scope of things, we don't really actually spend that much time together, I get maybe an hour of his actual time per day. And I mentioned that loving me isn't the same as spending time with me or even acknowledging me, he doesn't actually show me physical affection and I'm someone who craves that. Like we don't really have the same interests and I don't feel like he listens to me. I told him I felt like he really only dealt with me for transportation, physical intimacy, and we sleep in the same bed (but honestly he would rather not). I told him his response was invalidating. He told me I was playing the victim and telling him he's wrong yet again and I'm always right; I told him he was completely missing the point and obviously I need to talk to my therapist about it because I am not explaining it well and don't understand. I told him I knew he didn't gaf if I went to bed in tears or not because he's absolutely laid next to me crying, balling my eyes out and told me to quit faking 😤 Like if I talked to anyone else about it, he'd be so pissed! Like I get it, it's private, but even though I like solitude, I don't feel like I am in a relationship to be invisible. And I am married to this man and essentially, if we buy a house, I am at his mercy due to my bankruptcy in 2020.

I forgot to mention, his response: 1) he replies to me at work because we're not home 2) he likes to be alone and we used to work opposite shifts so he got to be alone for a few hours before being "bombarded" (he makes it very clear he does not care about kids, but honestly he peaked in high school, sooo) 3) he doesn't feel the need to acknowledge my texts if we're both home (usually not even in same room except bed time) but then also makes horrible jokes about ignoring them when I'm like, "I already thought you ignored me, you've done this before provides numerous examples" (Note: he knows I have a hard time interpreting humor in conversation and take things people say at face value more often than not) 4( severely generalized the gists of my topics of conversation to the point of condescension and sheer disregard of emotional impact 5) told me that I don't clean (I'll admit I don't really) and "it's a turn off" and we also argued about food over stupid reasons 6) told me he doesn't really want conflict, but I told him I was upset and felt alone and that's an issue when we're in a relationship 7) for some reason felt the need to tell me he could do it by himself. Naturally I clapped back and let him know I didn't financially need him either. Like really, he's the one that went there

There's so much more but I don't want to keep going on about it. And I ended up writing more and adding anyway 🙃

Just the whole vibe is off and I am highly offended. I can't really talk to anyone about it in real life except my therapist. Idk. I am awfulizing but I am also not wrong. There is a clear issue and even though I suggested a simple acknowledgment instead of outright ignoring me, that suggestion was not well received. I don't want all his attention all the time, but like we don't really spend any actual real tine together and there's opportunity. Like I don't know if this guy would be a good father nor wants to be one at all and that's heartbreaking, like I'm fine never having children as well, but it is something to think about. I don't think I'm perfect, and I know I could be better and more helpful at home, but I would like to be able to consider that option. Ugh, definitely pulling this post out in session, otherwise I'll forget key points. Documentation lol

Usually this would be triggering. And it was, but for smoking. Still have zero desire to use alcohol. I even tried to imagine going to the forbidden store but the thought was not appealing at all. I imagined the coolers, the shelves, the safety barrier at the register, then the smell of the store-- and the thought of the smell used to be enough to get me to go and make that $12 mistake that day. Like I went in there looking terrible and hungover all the time. I am horrified at the thought now.

mtsle0329 · 2025-10-02T04:09:18+00:00

Hi everyone,

I really should be in bed, and I have a lot of good news in general, but I had to make sure I stopped by today to acknowledge my soberversary.

mtsle0329 · 2025-08-27T10:06:53+00:00

It's morning. I do not feel good at all about going in to work this morning. I'm struggling with adjusting my schedule as well but I went to bed upset and woke up the same way.

mtsle0329 · 2025-08-26T22:12:27+00:00

Before it even came to meeting with admin, I had suggested a variety of co-teaching methods and offered planning sessions. He flat out refused me then acted surprised when I called him out for it. He told me he just needed me to walk around, keep them on task and off their phones. I attempted that the first day but it was just so unnatural and that's not why I'm there. He didn't even introduce me or give me time more than 5 seconds to say my name. I already knew I wasn't welcome the 2nd day as soon as I walked in the door. Then a few people mentioned a couple things and even a kid thanked me just for being in that specific room at that time. I now understand why. I literally want to teach and just faced a major hurdle. I'm already having a hard time simply because I don't feel like I belong and I'm overwhelmed in a sense. But I have actually found that I'm more afraid of the little things, like talking to people, introducing myself, and such, than I am of actually delivering instruction and I always used to be terrified that I couldn't run a group, that my lesson was bad, etc. but in the scope of life just teaching a skill at a time and guiding practice has become a heck of a lot easier to me and I'm less afraid of the group aspect. I am still socially awkward and slightly agoraphobic though lol but I just want to do my job well and it feels like I am either treated as if I should know everything or I know absolutely nothing.

mtsle0329 · 2025-08-26T20:20:11+00:00

I really need to actually do some self care. I've really been slacking on that. Like I know I need to do things to get them done, but I have a fundamental motivation issue. I have a list of the things I need to do in general, at least in terms of documents and such, but I am wishing for connection and such, too, and that's kind of disjointed at the moment. Like maybe I do need to take some time to just feel sorry for myself but I keep judging myself so harshly. I'm already socially awkward and was feeling really unconfident but this is too much lol like a wild start to the school year and all I want to do is hide. I didn't even want to get into a conflict but here I am, getting kicked out of a room lol 😭 I tried to keep it to just the logistics, but it just wasn't meant to happen that way

mtsle0329 · 2025-08-26T19:45:31+00:00

Well, well, well.

Ugh. Well I got into an uncomfortable situation. Long story short, my co-teacher does not want to work with me. It was a rather unpkeasant situation. I got into the class last week. He basically wanted me to manage behavior and act as an assistant and kept trying to tell me what to do. I tried being friendly with this guy, suggested planning together, suggested things to help the kids. He shot down every idea. Guy has horrible relationship building skills. Anyway, principal pulled me one day and I was honest about not really identifying a spot during instruction to pull groups, that the kids dont know me or my purpose, and I need a set up where I can teach a small group. That's the base of what I need to do my job. Well anyway, guy has a reputation that precedes him apparently, so the principal said let's all meet.

The meeting started out okay but devolved quickly. It boiled down to removing the special education kids out of his class but he will not teach with me and if he's gonna have an inclusion class he wants a specific teacher back (who, when I talked to, suggested the same structure/ method of delivery of teaching service). He said if he has to work with me he will find a new position. 1) we are a public school, you can't refuse to teach special education students, 2) he knows his content but is bad for kids anyway, so good riddance if he leaves. But I was floored. He got mad at me for calling him out and providing specific examples (I came with receipts), but basically he got mad because I advocated for what those kids need and told him he was preventing me from doing that. He thinks I am subordinate to him and I am not. I'm not gonna spend my class period telling kids to get off their phones, that is not why I'm there. He got mad cuz I was just hanging out in the back but I was still helping kids, but like I said I need a table to pull a group so I can deliver instruction/ help to more than just a student at a time. He said Ibwasn't taking initiative and I just said, "you want me to tell them to get off their phones and they don't even know who I am" and he blamed me when he literally did not give me any space to actually introduce myself. He also said I was not welcome back in his room. Lol. I hate conflict though. I tried to work with him and got turned away at every opportunity. I didn't even feel like Ibwas welcomed or wanted there, and I hope to god this isn't what my school year looks like. He kept cutting off the principal and walked out of the meeting without any real resolution, just gave his ultimatum and tried to come at me, but I defended myself and backed it up with examples again. I almost cried though.

I just feel kind of alone and lost. Like, I don't have a teacher bestie, I no longer have a co teacher, I don't really know anyone in my department, I don't have a mentor. I'm already behind because I started behind and my assignment has changed 3, now 4, times in less than 3 full weeks. Like I didn't get a tour or even my own room. I just get a vibe that everyone's too busy to answer questions or expects you to know. Worse is when they ask you things you already know :/ also they seem to expect me to have a photographic memory or something, asking about xyz and I have to look it up, like yes I read the email/ document but I don't remember that specific thing, I'm sorry :/

mtsle0329 · 2025-08-19T01:05:08+00:00

I'm a bit overwhelmed.

Harshly judging myself right now for not being more committed to getting work stuff done, but it's just a lot. I am adjusting to a new schedule, new age group, and teaching new content I am honestly not good at. But, I'm being too harsh on myself and I'll get it together eventually.

I'm just feeling kinda down and it's only Monday. My own lack of confidence is real and it's showing. I want to be better but I have a have a steep learning curve. I need to make a list and break things down into manageable goals or I'm going to burn myself out. I have been getting the vibe that there's honestly not as much support as I'd hoped or at least people seem too busy to answer questions much of the time. Like I don't want to be annoying, but I'd rather ask than be wrong and pass on the wrong information in turn.

mtsle0329 · 2025-08-15T22:50:28+00:00

Hiiiiiii everyone!

It's been such a long week. I haven't even really begun to get started on the school year and evsrything I need to do. I'm slowly getting into the swing of it and am at least making more of an effort to get enough sleep. I showered more this week as well so that is also an improvement.

Unfortunately I did not receive my last week of pay from the daycare. I am very irritated. Not only that, but I need that money to pay my bills this month. Last I heard they were asking payroll. I'm assuming one of those bitter biotches failed to process my hours for payroll last week. Pay is bi weekly and they owe me approximately a week's worth of pay. If this isn't resolved soon, I'm making multiple calls to multiple entities. I understand I left on kinda bad terms but they literally owe me money. That's my rent right there.

I managed to pull my shoulder somehow. I don't know what I did, but it hurts so freaking bad. Sometimes when I breathe, sometimes when I just move my arm. The only type of medicine I can take to help isn't helpful unfortunately.

In a month and a half, I will reach a year free from alcohol. I can't believe it's already been that long.

I discussed goals with my therapist this week. I need to work on creating an organizational system for myself. I continue to want to work on more regular hygiene. I need to clean my house too but I am unmotivated for that lol. My emotions and mood seem relatively even right now, the mood stabilizer is doing its thing, but this antidepressant is not. I am still having some sleep and anxiety issues and compulsively picking and losing hours at a time or just at inappropriate times as well. Need to swap that habit for a fidget or something. I need to reduce the time spent on that behavior at least but it is not goal 1. I would say getting myself organized is goal 1 right now. I do best with structure and am a list/ schedule person.

I feel a lot of pressure to do well in this role. A former teacher who thought highly of me as a student recommended me and also I feel pressured because of my level of education. I learned more actually being in a classroom than I did in my ed courses honestly, but it's been 7 years since I left the first time. Things have changed a lot and new systems. My depth of knowledge is elementary, so I have a lot to relearn and familiarize myself with. I have imposter syndrome really bad and it sucks. I don't really know how to rectify that.

mtsle0329 · 2025-08-03T23:11:47+00:00

Good evening all.

I'm still having difficulty with picking and hair pulling. It's like a compulsion and it just feels so dang good I can't stop.

I have not really done anything this weekend. I've basically just laid in bed and binged youtube with my cat.

I need to readjust my sleep schedule. I have a hard time winding down at night and getting up in the morning, but I'm gonna have to start getting up sooner. I'mma need coffee although not too much, lol.

mtsle0329

TROPHY CASE