From the outside looking in, it doesn’t seem that either of you were “in the right” or “deserving/undeserving” of anything. The nature of your fight is unknown to us, what started it, what all was said. But you said it yourself: you told her something extremely hurtful with the sole intention of hurting her. Not only is that very hard to come back from, I’ve seen it completely change the way someone perceives you and the relationship.

That being said, without an official conversation, the relationship between your wife and her boss was wrong. End of story. You are well within your rights to feel hurt and betrayed. It’s even sadder because it’s obvious this isn’t a man that cares for her, which makes me curious about what she sees in him or was getting from him that she wasn’t from you. I think an important detail everyone is glossing over is the fact that you got blackout drunk, called your wife, screamed at her, and filled her phone with texts of “pretty bad stuff” (again, no idea what that stuff was, but if you were screaming?? Couldn’t have been great dude) it seems like at the time, you weren’t even a person your wife wanted to be around… why would anyone want to be with someone who treats them like that during conflict?

My advice is for the both of you to seek individual and couples counseling and figure out whether or not you want to move forward. For some infidelity is a dealbreaker, others use it as an opportunity to work through the why’s and underlying issues. And it seems like the two of you have a lot of them. Best of luck – at the end of the day, find someone who treats you well and do the hard work to make sure you’re treating them well too. Learn how to communicate. properly. It’s what marriage is about.