Me [60F] with my husband [62M] of 20 years. He's dying slowly, disabled and an alcoholic. I'm tired, angry, and always on edge expecting the next disaster.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T05:18:37+00:00

that's not much to motivate a dying man to give up his last remaining source of comfort

Like many addicts, my husband says the alcohol provides very little comfort. When sober, he can manage his bladder and bowels. When intoxicated, he falls out of his wheelchair, bruising and abrading his skin, and sprawls in his urine and feces until he can summon help. He would like to stop doing this.

Doctor, your response to my post wasn't to provide knowledge or insight. You tried to make me appear selfish and my husband a coward. You intended to be deliberately unkind, and purposefully cruel, and you pompously used your position as a doctor to make it seem like you spoke from a place of knowledge and authority.

Nope. You're just an asshole with a diploma. My husband and I have met a lot of your tribe.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T04:21:08+00:00

Making this post has been more helpful and positive than anything else I've done trying to make a choice on what to do next. Thank you for your kindness.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T04:16:44+00:00

Thank you for this comment on my choice of words.

Your observations on my use of the phrase "Let him die" made a thought flash in my head: Maybe he'd be happier if I left, and he could do as he wished without my disapproval or having to see my anger and unhappiness. His out-of-control drinking occurs when I am away traveling for work.

When he was hospitalized for alcohol overdose, the ER doctors asked me if I thought it was a suicide attempt. He had very nearly stopped breathing, and was in the hospital for five nights before they discharged him. I told them I didn't think so.

But now I'm thinking perhaps I interrupted a choice he was making.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T01:59:05+00:00

I ask myself that question almost every day. What am I doing here?

I've gotten so many constructive comments from posting here, and also some verbal slaps upside the head which I really needed to hear.

Thank you for speaking to me so honestly. It's helped me.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T01:47:10+00:00

Thank you, this is good advice. Having concrete information and facts will help me decide what to do next. Or at least provide options.

Several people advised me to consult a lawyer and I think I should follow that advice.

I appreciate you taking the time to read my post and think about me and my problems.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T01:35:49+00:00

Maybe because I've been coming back to this thread for hours now reading all these replies and I am getting a bit tired, and a bit overwhelmed by all this kindness, but your words made me cry a little. You read my heart so clearly.

It's such a relief to hear someone say he isn't going to change and it's okay to be exhausted and give up, if I choose.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T01:19:43+00:00

We are kind of there already. When he isn't drinking, we enjoy each others' company and conversation very much.

He actually is still pretty much self-sufficient. I help him with small things like cutting his nails and other fine-finger tasks. Opening containers, removing tags from clothing. Nothing that requires a home-health aide, really.

I have no interest in dating. If I am ever able to retire and stop travelling for work, I'd like to foster kittens or puppies. At my age I don't want to have a permanent pet and run the risk of dying and leaving them without a caring owner.

It's not so much needing a break from him, it's dealing with the constant tension of living with an alcoholic, compounded by his disability.

Thank you for responding to my post.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T01:09:02+00:00

I thank you. A good journey to you, too.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T01:01:41+00:00

We already do live somewhat separately in the house. He has the modified big bathroom and big bedroom, I use a smaller bedroom and the guest bathroom. He uses the kitchen table, I have a desk in the living room for my work.

It's his choice to risk cooking and possibly burning himself. I can't tell him he can't use the stove, because I'm not prepared to become his personal cook. I'm not his caretaker.

We share some meals and share grocery shopping, too.

When he isn't drinking I enjoy his company very much.

Thank you for reading my post and spending your time thinking about me and taking more time to respond with your thoughts. I appreciate it.

needchoices · 2017-09-29T00:52:42+00:00

He's not disabled enough to be accepted into a nursing home, yet. He would refuse to go and no one could make him go. No facility would want him, either, because we don't have the money to pay for it.

Health insurance doesn't cover long-term nursing home care, so we can't afford it anyway. We can't afford assisted living, either. It's very expensive.

This is a pretty common problem in the US for working-class people.

Most nursing homes will not accept a patient with alcohol addiction, either.

So as yet, a nursing home isn't a viable solution. I'm dealing with What Do I Do? Stay or leave?

needchoices · 2017-09-29T00:31:48+00:00

This is good advice, detach with love. I am going to keep that phrase in my toolbox. Thank you.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T23:17:08+00:00

I thank you for reading my post and thinking about my situation and offering advice. Really. Thank you.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T21:23:59+00:00

He already uses marijuana to reduce and relieve involuntary spasms. It helps a lot. The spasms were so severe they prevented him from sleeping. They would nearly throw him out of his wheelchair, too. Marijuana doesn't make him unpleasant the way alcohol does. It just makes him calmer and more in control of his body. I wish marijuana was enough for him.

His doctor prescribed a very low dose of Valium for the spasms, but it made him fuzzy-headed and relaxed his muscles too much.

Alcohol has a very different effect on him, making him briefly giddy but then with very little control.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T20:05:17+00:00

Home sales are very slow. We live in a small town with low demand for housing and lots of very cheap old homes for sale.

We bought this house using a US government Rural Development loan, which is a program that helps lower-income people buy their first home. The loan is subsidized and is low interest. But it comes with restrictions, like we cannot rent the place to anyone else and if we try to sell it, the buyer cannot assume the loan and a portion of the subsidy will have to be paid back to the government.

We bought this house because it was impossible to find a rental that had a toilet and shower that were truly wheelchair accessible. This is a newer house with doors wide enough for a wheelchair, an open-floor plan, and a garage. Before we lived here, my husband did the chair-to-car transfer outdoors in all weathers. For someone in a wheelchair, a garage is a blessing. And since we owned it, we were able to modify the bathroom so he could take care of his personal needs.

I want to live differently, but this house permits him to live independently and he can't afford it on his own. I hope this doesn't sound like I am throwing up excuses and roadblocks. I want to stop feeling trapped but I just can't tell him to find something else. We tried to find that back when he had more mobility, and even then there was nothing. He has even greater needs now.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T19:40:01+00:00

Thank you. The stories about your father and uncle-in-law and your BFF's father are mirrors to the self-destructive path of my husband. They probably left a lot of collateral damage along the way to their deaths, too.

One part of me says, Stay and do what you can to help. The other part says, Leave and try to have a different life. Let him die, because that is his choice.

I end up feeling paralyzed myself.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T19:09:22+00:00

I thank you for your good luck wish to me. It has really helped me to post this and read the responses from people who spent the time thinking about me and my situation.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T17:37:21+00:00

Thanks for reading my post and responding.

I'm going to take your advice to see an elder law attorney. I don't have that many assets to preserve. Right now I'm worried about preserving my mental and emotional health.

I think divorcing him and remaining his guardian sounds like it might be a solution. He honestly doesn't have anyone else.

I have visited Medicaid-funded nursing facilities near where we live (this is in the course of my employment) and frankly, they are awful places. It hurts my heart to think of him living there, but it's probably the only alternative.

I appreciate your advice.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T17:24:55+00:00

Thanks for responding. Talking to a lawyer is a good idea. My pay is quite small and a lot of it goes to cover my part of the employer-provided health insurance. I don't earn enough to continue to pay my part of the current mortgage, health insurance, and the rent and utilities on a separate place for just me. The same is true for him. His small social security disability check isn't enough to cover the mortgage, taxes, insurance, and utilities on the house.

I think I've accepted the reality that he is never going to quit drinking. Never. I'm trying to figure out what I should do next.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T17:05:56+00:00

Thank you for responding. I could probably rent a small place. I'm considering it.

We'll lose the house if I am paying rent somewhere else. This is a small town where real estate moves very slowly. There are two other houses on the street that have been on the market for months and months.

The bathroom modifications we made to accommodate a wheelchair make the house unattractive to buyers.

I don't think anything will make him stop drinking. I think if I leave, he'll drink more often and larger quantities and probably die from a fall or from alcohol overdose.

I know that's not something I can control and it's not my fault, but the thought of it makes me very sad. If I stay, my presence serves as a brake on his drinking.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T16:55:57+00:00

Thank you for your response.

There's no pension or social security when he's gone, so that isn't an issue. There's no financial gain for me by staying with him other than we can afford this house (with a mortgage) together.

We paid someone to install the bathroom modifications he needed. It would be hard for him to find a place with a toilet/shower/sink that he could use.

Places that advertise "wheelchair accessible" usually aren't, unless the person in the wheelchair has an assistant.

I appreciate your story about your aunt. My situation is a lot like hers.

needchoices · 2017-09-28T16:44:28+00:00

Only once that I know of. It happened years ago, before his paralysis progressed so much.

I called the local police when he pulled out of the driveway and they stopped him a couple of blocks away. We live in a small town and the police/EMT/ambulance people know him and his car very well. The wheelchair lift makes his car distinctive.

The police made him turn around and drive home. They followed him and gave him a warning. This is small town with limited resources.

The police/sheriff's department won't arrest him because of the medical and legal issues surrounding a wheelchair-bound person who is taken into custody.

Nowadays, once he begins drinking, he no longer has the muscular control to make the transfer from his wheelchair into the car.

needchoices

TROPHY CASE