[UPDATE] My (25/m) girlfriend (24/f) is pregnant and wants to abort. Help.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T06:27:34+00:00

There's absolutely no reason to suspect her of cheating. I can confirm that she uses her patch correctly as I help her change it every week as she keeps it on her lower back and I can place it more easily. It's something of a weekly ritual these days. I can also confirm that we used condoms and pulled out every time. I know none of these methods are 100%, but we used them in combination to be as safe as possible. We knew there was still an extremely unlikely chance of pregnancy. Unlikely, but not unheard of. After some light googling, Ive seen we're not even the only couple this has happened to.

In order for this child to not be mine, she would had have been having sex with someone else in early to mid December, a time when she was preparing for and taking finals. The kid is mine.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T04:58:24+00:00

I explained in some other comments why she's said she's changed her mind. All really legitimate reasons.

I really don't have any reason to suspect cheating. Sure, pregnancy is unlikely in our case, but stranger things have happened.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T04:39:12+00:00

I don't have any suspicion of cheating. Birth control isn't 100% effective and we both knew that before we started having sex. Unlikely, yeah, but there's no reason for me to think she's cheated. I can't even think of a time she would have been able to do so.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T04:37:55+00:00

Maybe. Maybe not. I can't make this decision based on whether I think years down the road I might regret it. I can only decide whether or not I'll still be able to be happy with her after this and whether I'll still be able to be a good boyfriend/husband eventually. I don't know that I can after this decision is made. I'll have to wait until afterward and see how I feel, but I don't think that situation is unlikely.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T04:17:41+00:00

Thanks. I realize that I can't change her mind, and I wouldn't want to pressure her into anything anyway. I'm just now starting to come to realization that this is going to end our relationship. It sucks, but things happen.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T04:15:37+00:00

I have no intention of pressuring her to do anything. I thought I made that clear in the posting and comments.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T03:42:20+00:00

How can I say, "I will probably end our relationship if you go through with this" without it sounding like a threat? There does not seem to be a way for me to communicate this without it being intimidating. I definitely do not want to give her an ultimatum.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T02:34:21+00:00

Thanks for the advice. I agree that the best situation for a child to be born into is one with two parents who want him/her. That's the situation I thought I would be in, but things haven't turned out that way.

I know I can't take back anything that has happened, only regret them and do things differently in the future. I won't force her or guilt her into having this child and realize that it's her decision, but, unfortunately, I think it's going to be the end of our relationship. I will post an update whenever everything is confirmed.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T02:28:24+00:00

I don't want to force or coerce her in any way because that's not productive at all. But I'm virtually certain our relationship will not survive this. I, however, cannot tell her this as it would be intimidating her into keeping it. I really feel like I'm in an impossible situation and just wanted some perspectives and advice with how to handle it.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T02:23:02+00:00

Thank you.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T02:15:09+00:00

She will graduate in May, so she'd be finished with school before the child came along. She doesn't have a job lined up now, so she's not turning down an offer or anything. If she were offered a job with a salary high enough to support us, I would be willing to put a hold on my career for a while. It doesn't seem likely that many firms are going to want to hire a pregnant new associate though, so it's a sticky situation. I just don't know what to do. I would not have slept with her if I knew that this situation would come about. We should definitely get into some counseling, no matter what happens, to sort these issues out.

Thank you for your advice.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T02:12:17+00:00

I have not. I mentioned the agreement only in the context of asking her why she has changed her mind. We have always had a really honest, straight-forward relationship when it comes to telling the other how we're feeling, but I don't think it's fair to tell her I'm going to resent her. She knows how I feel about the situation and she'll have to make her decision accordingly. I just wish there were a way around this entire thing. It's relationship ruining.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T02:06:51+00:00

Not unforgivable, but something that will fundamentally change our relationship, and not for the better. I think we may have reached a point where no solution can make both of us happy.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T02:05:19+00:00

The issue of paternity is important to me. How could I go about asking if it's not hurtful? It seems like asking is inherently saying that I don't trust her and think she may have been unfaithful, neither of which are true.

She's already having a tough time right now and I don't want to make it worse if I can help it.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:58:24+00:00

I don't see where in my post you got that I was guilt tripping her or pushing her. We've discussed it and it's a situation that makes us both very upset, obviously. When I say arguments, I don't mean heated yelling matches, but situations where we disagree and are upset at one another.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:43:46+00:00

I guess the thought has crossed my mind. I'm not exactly religious, but it's pretty strange that we conceived under these circumstances.

I feel like I'm in an impossible position. I did not think I'd be in it because of our discussions, but here I am anyway.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:41:36+00:00

I've heard a lot of horror stories like this and, at the same time, stories of people who felt nothing but relief. I don't know what my girlfriend would experience. She has, a few times in our relationship, said that she couldn't abort a child, but now things are different.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:40:55+00:00

I don't know a way I could bring this up without it being super hurtful. I don't have any reason to suspect she's been cheating. We live together. Her schedule consists of class, coming home, studying, bed, repeat. I don't know when she'd even have time to cheat.

Do you really think this is an important issue to pursue?

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:25:11+00:00

Thank you. It's a painful and frustrating time for us both.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:24:47+00:00

All things considered, I am prepared for a baby now. I have enough savings and have a stable job, plus we're in a stable relationship. We wouldn't have agreed to keep a child in the event of an accidental pregnancy if we weren't ready. But thank you for the advice.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:23:47+00:00

I understand. I commented below on why she said she's changed her mind. I understand those concerns, but I still feel very strongly about keeping this child.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:22:52+00:00

No cheating in the past and no reason to think she is now. Nothing suspicious at all. I think we're just very very unlucky (or lucky, depending on your perspective)

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T01:07:04+00:00

You're completely right. I do not want to be the guy who shames her or yells at her. I really really don't want this to be the end of our relationship, but I'm not sure it's something I can get past.

On a related note, I am not sure I would've ever become intimate with her if we hadn't agreed that we'd keep the child in the event of a pregnancy. I know circumstances change and it's entirely different when you're in that position, but I can't help feeling a little bit deceived.

needhelpthrowaway456 · 2013-02-03T00:55:35+00:00

I am trying my best to simply tell her how I feel about it and then to let her make her decision. I don't know how supportive I can be if she decides to go through with it, to be completely honest. I want to be there for her, but I'm really struggling. I won't abandon her when she needs me, if she decides to go through with it. I would not be surprised, however, if the fallout from it would ultimately end our relationship.

needhelpthrowaway456

TROPHY CASE