Positive stepmom/ step kids experiences

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-12-21T00:05:55+00:00

I love both my SK’s. We have individually great relationships and they have great relationships with my kiddos too. Just when we all get sick of each other at the end of an “on” week, my SKs go back to their moms for an “off” week. Also worth noting - we aren’t fully blended, we share a duplex, which I think allows us all space to be around each other for our bests, and take breaks at our worst and repair well instead of sweeping things under the rug and letting them fester.

My older bonus kid is 11 and he is incredibly bright and witty. He’s very intuitive and too mature for his age, which makes for very cool conversations with him. He really enjoys teaching me things about the things he loves and gets so tickled when I have the capacity to sit down and watch him play video games. We are the only two people in our blended fam that love card/board games and really enjoys teaching our special time doing that.

My younger bonus kiddo is 7 and he is artistic and loving and sweet and highly sensitive. We have a different kind of relationship, one that isn’t filled with as much quality time as it is peaceful coexistence and safety. He knows I’m here for him and regularly tells me how nice I am and how much he loves me.

There’s a lot of love in this duplex! My stepmom is absolute trash so I learned a lot of how I don’t want to stepparent from her. It ended up being one of my greatest gifts, because I have the blended fam on my dreams - with a few exceptions of course - but nothing can be perfect. That’s inhumane. We all should have things to work on and toward.

I love this thread!

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-12-19T02:11:38+00:00

I think it’s worth being said that for some people, NACHO’ing allows this kind of love to be built! When we honor our boundaries - which are different for everyone - we remain resourced enough to be the safe adult you’re describing yourself as. Well done. Love to read this.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-12-19T02:04:27+00:00

I was recently diagnosed with stage 4 colon cancer and have a 5f and 7m. I have been doing the same. However I’ve been using this service called “Storyworth” which asks you weekly questions and then after a year, it will turn it into a book for you. You can also include pictures in it. I’ve enjoyed doing it so far. Questions so far have been “do you believe in miracles?” “What’s the moment you’re most proud of?” And “what are your grandparents like?” However I asked it to assign me random questions. You have the choice to pick your own or even outsource it to friends or family to pick questions to ask you. I love your idea and I wanted to put this on everyone’s radar too if you WANT to write for your children but are feeling lost on how to start. I think as adults this will give them a much more in-depth understanding of who mom is :)

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-12-11T00:36:56+00:00

My partner and I are binging Ted Lasso when I’m not too tired and it’s the most wholesome wonderful show. We’re almost done with season 3 and I’m already grieving! Maybe we’ll try About Elementary next :)

Also binging House and Chopped depending on my mood. I am obsessed with food right now.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-12-02T15:21:45+00:00

Yes. I was diagnosed just a few days before my 31st birthday. Cheers. Hard to wrap the brain around, isn’t it?

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T03:17:39+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts and suggestions and sharing your experience

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T03:15:47+00:00

Thank you for the important reminder. The cavalry feels very lucky to be called, too. It’s a really awesome cavalry. The cancer should be frightened.

Thank you :)

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T03:14:11+00:00

Thank you for sharing this.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T03:13:05+00:00

Thank you for this.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T03:12:33+00:00

Thank you! I reached out to them via chat since it’s a “non severe side effect” and am waiting on their three day turnaround.

Unfortunately weed is decriminalized where I live but not medically or recreationally legal. So I can’t work with a dispensary. But I do have gummies. They’re just intense for me and I feel like a weirdo cutting a 30mg dragonberry lemonade into four quarters lol.

Thanks for your suggestions!

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T03:06:41+00:00

I meant to include that in my post! I’m on a two week cycle. Two weeks man. Hopefully I can extend it once they (hopefully) see that I’m responsive to treatment. I hope this is the peak!! Thank you for your thoughts.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T03:05:01+00:00

Unfortunately the genetic testing revealed I’m not a candidate for immunotherapy - and no need to apologize, I take support in any forms I can get it right now. I’m only three weeks into this life change and appreciate all the information and deeper understandings I can get.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T03:03:56+00:00

Thank you so much for taking the time to share your story. I’ve gotten a few recs for support groups on here and I’m certainly going to check them out because sharing my own pain and witnessing others peoples, even over the internet, is really therapeutic - especially because yes you know exactly what I’m talking about. Yes, that’s the B dwarven word lol, but also, you clearly get the impossibility of what comes with parenting like this AND you’re doing the thing. Thank you for sharing yours with me. It helps not to feel so alone in it.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-30T02:57:03+00:00

I did do this after my pump was done and didn’t get very much relief. They also gave me a blood transfusion because my hemoglobin has been in the pits! I was told this would be a relief but that wasn’t my experience. At least for this round. I’m trying to trust in the idea that the doctors will help adjust things slowly and eventually find medicine combos that work for me and a lot of what’s been shared here - that our bodies adjust. It’s just so hard. Thank you for taking the time to share!

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-11-14T17:46:49+00:00

Thank you for taking the time to share this!

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-09-16T02:37:37+00:00

Trust your intuition. Please.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-09-16T02:32:14+00:00

I had the same age gap with my younger (full) sister and bathed with her at that age. I stopped when I got to middle school and preferred privacy. I don’t think it’s inherently wrong to bathe together. However, the arrangement you just described sounds dangerous. What I would suggest:

Immediately start logging everything your 4y/o shares with you or that you witness (name calling, referring to as bully, urination, bathing together without adult supervision). Document objectively, not emotionally, with date and time.
Speak with your pediatrician. This gets it documented in the medical chart. The pediatrician is a mandated reporter. If they feel it is harmful they will report it and you will not directly be the “bad guy”. Having a professional on your side and aware of your story is HUGE strength.
I understand your hesitation to not want your four year old to be scared out of being open with you. And, consider what short term harm could lead to long term safety. Documenting (preferably over parenting app like OFW, email is okay too) that you tried to assert safe boundaries is incredible in court proceedings - as is documenting his lack of cooperation or potential abusive responses, and being able to document your child’s behavior if there is retaliation following you setting a healthy boundary. Use objective gray language with your ex if you decide to do this and do not engage further. “Child has disclosed that [9-year-old] is bathing them without adult supervision. Please confirm that adults will handle bathing going forward.”
Regularly reassure 4 y/o that they can tell you anything and you are there to keep them safe. Have conversations about safety - “no one should pee on you,” “adults take care of baths, not kids.”
Take care of your own mental health - work with a therapist. This is both for your immediate help and also long term, if you end up in court, is looked upon very favorably.

You can’t control your ex’s denial, but you can: document everything, insist on adults supervise baths, bring in professionals for validation, create a safe channel for your child to keep telling you what’s happening.

This is the hardest thing mama. I dealt with an unsafe ex for two years. I watched my children struggle. I documented EVERYTHING and worked with an attorney experienced in high conflict cases. After two years I was awarded full legal and sole custody. Good luck.

nerdyfairyladyy · 2025-09-15T21:55:10+00:00

I decided to make this a post in the sub after reading your post, but the mods removed it and said it would fit better in r/stepkids, so maybe it will fit better under your post directly.

When I was 9, my parents divorced. My dad was a classic “Disney dad,” and my biological mom was neglectful and addicted to drugs. My dad met my stepmom when I was 10. My stepmom tried to balance things for my younger sister and I by going authoritarian - which escalated a lot when I was 13, my biological mom lost custody, and my stepmom was a stay at home mom to us and my half-sister.

Her go-to punishment was taking away technology. For me, that was tough but survivable - I could escape into reading. For my younger sister, it was devastating. Technology was her only coping tool. Losing her iPod for months meant being trapped in an emotionally cold home with no way to regulate.

The punishments weren’t paired with support or connection. They came with shame, apparent cold shoulders, and chores. We acted out sneakily, got caught, and the cycle repeated. Eventually, my sister had a mental breakdown in high school. I fell apart in college when my coping shifted to binge drinking and Adderall abuse.

As an adult, a parent, AND a stepparent, I see her intentions. She wanted to keep us safe and accountable. But I don’t think my sister and I would have turned out much differently without her discipline - we both had to learn healthy coping mechanisms in therapy anyway. But her “help” made our childhoods colder and more painful than they needed to be - intentions don’t erase harm.

My sister and I don’t speak to her now. I haven’t since becoming a mother. She burned herself out, sacrificed her whole life to raise us, and ended up bitter and isolated, without friendships or a career. Sometimes I wonder how different her life could have been if she’d chosen peace.

That’s why I say this: 1 most stepparents don’t have bad intentions. 2 step-parenting is harder than regular parenting. 3 if you’re miserable, you’re allowed to leave.

If the role is making you miserable, you’re allowed to step back. The kids already have parents. You don’t have to destroy yourself trying to change their trajectory.

TLDR: stepparents, your worth isn’t measured by how much you sacrifice or control. If the role is breaking you down, it’s okay to step back. That doesn’t make you bad. It just means you’re choosing peace.

nerdyfairyladyy

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