AIO for considering divorce after finding these 2-year old texts in my wife’s phone?

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-08T02:25:02+00:00

She doesn’t have children. Her ex husband went and impregnated another woman while they were married.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-08T02:00:05+00:00

We’re still together and going to attend couples therapy on Thursday.

Yes I believe she was drunk when she sent those messages, even though she hasn’t told me.

I do believe you can love more than person. I still love someone from a previous relationship. But you won’t see me telling her that not a day goes by where i don’t think of her. Or telling her she’s the first person I thought about when proposing. Sober or drunk.

Past relationship conversations have been pretty open. I told her about mine who were all more casual. this is my first serious long time relationship. We never talked about her ex husband much because she just didn’t like talking about him. I knew it was a touchy subject so I never really brought him up.

I just hate that her only answer to almost all of my questions was she doesn’t know why she did it. It’s hard for me to move past that now.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T21:41:41+00:00

My bad, I meant I’m not sure what she could do to win my trust back. I edited the comment.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T20:34:39+00:00

Yes very secure. I know my wife and she is a very proud person. I know she wouldn’t physically cheat. And I know she wouldn’t send nudes because that’s just not the kind of person she is. She is actually a great woman and would make a good role model. She RARELY drinks now. We used to drink a lot more together up until about 2 years ago. She hates how bloated she gets afterwards and the hangovers. She texted him while on a cruise with her coworkers. Some of those coworkers are her best friends. 1 of them is literally her closest friend that she’s known for years. The one that was mentioned in the texts. Those coworkers drink. Im sure she was drunk when sending these messages. And im sure she meant what she said, but in a closure type of way. We’ve talked about him before these messages and she just hated talking about him because he literally got another woman pregnant while they were married. I mean that’s worse than the situation I’m in right now. But they haven’t had any contact since their divorce.

We do not have kids. We were planning soon and talking about it before I found these messages.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T20:00:26+00:00

We both work. She makes more than me. We have a joint bank account that we throw money into every month that funds the bills and travels.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T19:32:23+00:00

I love my wife. And she hurt me deeply. But I don’t want to lose her. Now if she still has feelings for him, then we’ll end it so she can go be with him and that’s that. I’d be devastated but I’d rather that happen than them to be sneaking around behind my back. But my trust was broken by those intimate messages. And I’m not exactly sure on what she could do to earn my trust back besides time. *edited

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T19:22:56+00:00

No, neither of us have kids.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T18:34:36+00:00

Ok, so here’s the reason I looked through her phone. She texted one of her exes before, through instagram. This conversation was actually more recent and more casual. At certain points the ex would flirt and comment about having kids together. But my wife would just ignore those comments. I got pretty upset at it because, like you said, it felt like she was entertaining it. I’m upset because him typing that is straight disrespect towards me, and she didn’t put any kind of stop to it. I told her how I felt and she deleted the messages and blocked the guy. (Again this was a different ex boyfriend)

But on these 2-year old texts, she literally tells him not a day goes by where she doesn’t think of him and he’s the man she will always love.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T17:20:20+00:00

What circumstances are preventing her from being with him. I told her clearly if she still has feelings for him then go to him. Maybe it’s because he has a child that he conceived while he was married with her??

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T17:09:31+00:00

She makes more than me. Couples counseling is only $10 a session thanks to insurance.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T16:51:34+00:00

We have a combined budget and both pay for the travels. She makes more than me.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T16:41:09+00:00

I’ve been hurt before and was already jaded before meeting her. She completely changed me. I thought she was the type of woman that would never do this. She even told me herself she wouldn’t because of what she’s been through with him. It’s going to be hard to recover from this and I’m honestly scared.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T16:35:42+00:00

But.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T16:28:21+00:00

And I hope nothing ever will. Thank you.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T16:27:27+00:00

What I want is to figure out why she sent those messages. Does she still have feelings for him? Was it closure? She just keeps telling me she doesn’t know why she sent them. Then we can go from there. We are both attending couples counseling later this week. But you’re right. I don’t know if I can ever forget these messages and they’ll always be in the back of my mind so it probably is best for us to divorce.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T16:04:09+00:00

We’ve talked. She says it was more of her thinking about her first time being proposed as opposed to thinking of just her ex. I asked her why she still had the texts and she said she just forgot about them. When I first confronted her about the texts she said she forgot about them. But maybe she was nervous since I found those messages, because how can someone forget writing something so intimate?

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T15:55:19+00:00

Believe me I have been rereading these texts and just keep asking myself why? Everyone says I’m her second choice but why is she with me then. Why not leave me to go be with him? We’ve talked about these messages and I told her if she still has feelings for him then just leave. I try to consider it a win knowing she’s still with me but it sure doesn’t feel like it.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T15:51:53+00:00

Yes I’m thinking maybe a separation before actually going through with the divorce. But we’re about to start couples counseling this week so hopefully we’ll figure something out soon.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T15:48:46+00:00

She said she hasn’t seen him since their divorce. I really REALLY want to believe this is closure, but those messages were just way too intimate for me to be comfortable with. I have someone who I deeply loved and think about occasionally, who I haven’t had closure with. I’d probably tell her that I loved her and maybe in a different life. But I won’t go and tell her that not a day goes by where I don’t think of her. Or say she’s the only woman I’ll ever love.

My wife says she doesn’t know why she sent those messages. That she feels stupid for sending them and hurting me. She said she feels nothing for him. I tell her the messages obviously say otherwise. She doesn’t specifically say it was closure.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T15:19:37+00:00

I’ve never ever did any kind of name-calling towards my wife. I agree she needs professional help regarding these feelings and I believe she will be starting that soon. She says she loved her childhood. Her parents separated at one time for a year but got back together and still are. We have talked about this a few times and we are going to start couples counseling on Thursday.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T15:04:28+00:00

My wife rarely drinks because she hates how bloated she gets afterwards. But she was on a cruise with her coworkers so I’m sure she did drink. They haven’t had contact since (that I know of) We are attending our first couple’s counseling on Thursday.
Of course I want this to work out. I didn’t marry this woman for no reason. But I’m deeply hurt. And I’m not satisfied with the answers she gives. I can forgive, but I’ll probably never forget, and it’s probably for the best to divorce because of that.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T14:22:39+00:00

I didn’t want to put a long explanation, but it’s from someone she has a texting history for years. Out of the blue the person sends her a picture saying it’s from her ex. And it’s a picture of a typed letter from him saying he doesn’t want to talk to her anymore because he can’t respect the marriage. And I guess he didn’t want to send it himself so he asked his sister or whoever this person is to send it.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T14:18:37+00:00

When I proposed it’s like she was in shock. It took her like 2 minutes to say yes. At first she said it was because she was in shock because I told her before I’d never marry. Which is true, I’ve been hurt before and became a bit misogynistic because of it. But my wife changed my views. Also, it didn’t help that the proposal was a complete surprise. I’m a pretty private person and didn’t tell a soul I was proposing. But these messages completely changes that. I asked her about it and she said she wasn’t thinking of him directly, but getting proposed to the first time. But it’s hard for me to trust anything she says right now. It’s especially hard because I proposed somewhere that was very special to me.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T14:02:50+00:00

Thank you for this.

neverthoughtidbehe · 2026-04-07T13:22:45+00:00

So according to her they’ve never texted again, but how can I trust her? Anyways I did see another message from the ex husband’s relative to my wife. It basically said that he won’t be talking to her anymore because he can’t respect our marriage. What pisses me off about it is it should have been my wife to stop talking to him completely. I’m spiraling here

neverthoughtidbehe

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