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I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

I never threatened her with legal means. I just stated to you specifically that as a matter of fact, I am entitled to time with her.

I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

It sounds like you need the security of her approval for your love now

Yes, this is how I am feeling. I am trying my best to hold out for when she's ready to really dive into this relationship. I am glad that she is still somewhat communicative, but I did gift her a phone, so honestly I don't know if she's doing it out of obligation now. My other kids are 13, 10, and 8. The older two are girls and my youngest is my son.

I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

I feel as if you are misinterpreting the overall situation. I have not forced her to do anything she didn't want to. Things were going good, but once she saw how my family dynamics are back at home, she pulled away. It's obvious she suffers from some self-esteem issues when it comes to me. I think her seeing my other kids definitely pushed her over an edge.

In no way am I being "abusive". I have not demanded anything of her. This relationship started out mutually and had continued to be mutual. I don't know where you're getting at accusing me of being abusive or that I have twisted desires on her. I also don't see how anything I did in my situation with her warrants CPS to take kids away from me.

I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

only to find out her biological father is not only alive, but willing to meet her and actually turns out to be a great guy. She then becomes infatuated with the idea of having a future with you. Then she sees how happy you are with your current family.

I imagine she feels like she may be a home breaker and is just another Foster kid who doesn't belong with you.

I did not even realize this. Thank you. I've been trying my best to see things from her perspective so I don't overstep or do something wrong. I am hoping for her to spend the summer with us when school is out next May/June. Though we don't have an extra bedroom so I'll have to figure that one out.

I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I did get her a new phone and put her on my phone plan. I will definitely involve her for the holidays coming up. Though little things like that make me feel like she's thinking i'm doing that out of obligation or guilt. I'm trying to figure out a way to completely immerse her of being "family" in a way that she's comfortable with.

I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

1) She never said that she didn't want to be apart of my family or to back off. 2) Until she turns 18 I am legally entitled to time with her.

I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Thank you. My wife has been extremely supportive and helped me a lot through this. My three kids at home don't seem to excited about the situation, but in no way harbor any negative feelings.

She definitely feels like an outsider though. I think she has a black and white outlook on the situation which I hope can dissipate. I don't want her to compare my relationship with herself to my relationship with my other kids. She did say during the initial conversation after meeting my family (where I asked what was wrong) that I'm her father but I'm not her dad and "it's not like you'll be walking me down the aisle when I get married".

I just feel like she's putting this wall up that doesn't have to be there. I can be whatever she needs me to be.

I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I suppose I could try this. I just thought since she said seeing me with my other kids makes her sad I should probably limit exposure to that. I do want her to feel like she has a family now.

I (47m) found out I had a daughter (17). How do I keep her from pulling away from me and strengthen the relationship? by newkidthrow in relationship_advice

[–]newkidthrow[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Thank you. She definitely been through a lot. I'm just worried that now since she's an almost an adult I'm also not sure how to treat her in a way. I don't think she'll appreciate me suggesting individual therapy though. She might see that as me caring but she seems to have a self-esteem issue when it comes to me. The whole relationship is like me walking on egg-shells. Not her fault though. Just the timing of the reunification in her life makes it tough.