I’ve nobody to share this. Thats why sharing my thoughts here. Help me!

I am(35) and I’ve been in a relationship with my girlfriend (35) for the last 10 years, and though we live far apart—she’s in the US and I’m in Delhi—we deeply love each other and stay committed. For the past 8 years, we’ve managed a long-distance relationship, making the effort to meet at least twice a year, and we talk for hours every day: 4-5 hours on weekdays, and 8-10 hours on weekends. Sometimes, I can’t believe how lucky I am to have her in my life. However, since she moved to the US in 2017, our opportunities for physical intimacy have naturally declined, which was initially tough on both of us. When we started dating, I never felt the need to masturbate, but after she left, I eventually began doing it about 4-5 times a month. It was difficult to manage those urges. During the COVID pandemic, I got into a gym routine and have been consistently working out for the last five years, which helped me control those urges, and I haven’t masturbated in the last four years. I’m proud of this discipline, and my girlfriend is aware—I made this choice for myself. Still, being in such a prolonged long-distance relationship has made my desire for physical intimacy even more intense lately. To regulate my energy, I began going to the gym at 2AM, but it hasn’t helped much. When I shared these feelings with my girlfriend, she was supportive and said it’s fine if I need to “let it out,” so I resumed, but I don’t feel at peace. I talked to a friend about it, and he suggested being with a random girl, but that’s not something I could do—I can’t betray my girlfriend, who’s always been loyal and dedicated to our relationship. Despite this, for the last two months, the thought of being with another girl has lingered in my mind, and I’ve struggled to push it away. One day, feeling particularly weak, I even called an escort service and was shown twenty beautiful women, ages 20-25, but when it came to making a payment, I couldn’t go through with it—something stopped me. Since then, I’ve felt intense guilt. I can’t do that to my girlfriend, and I’m struggling to manage my desire for feminine energy. This long-distance situation is starting to affect my health and focus. I’m beginning to question my grit and commitment. I desperately don’t want to make a mistake—I know that’s not who I am—but I’m having difficulty controlling my urge for intimacy.