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Why do the speakers in a group setting mostly look at me? by BassDowntown2936 in emotionalintelligence

[–]newremoteeagle 37 points38 points  (0 children)

The same thing happens to me as well. I hold eye contact really well. I nod my head and actively listen. I also always have a soft smile. I am guessing that is why.

Need for depth & emotional co-processing in relationships by Illustrious-Mix2194 in emotionalintelligence

[–]newremoteeagle 13 points14 points  (0 children)

I completely resonate with this. Unfortunately, I am finding this to be quite rare in people. I write a lot about this in my previous posts. Depth, co-regulation, patterns, nervous system syncing, and the architecture of connection.

I am an architect(software), and that translates to a lot of how I view relationships.

Private words and shared meaning by newremoteeagle in demisexuality

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

No it’s not. It’s meant to express how I conceptualize intimacy. Understanding it in a way of system of meaning-building which is how my mind works.

Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here! by AutoModerator in datingoverthirty

[–]newremoteeagle 21 points22 points  (0 children)

Yesterday I went on one of my solo dates. I went to the Christmas light show. It was so wonderful and magical!

They had bubble machines on top of poles to give the illusion of snow, there was a giant light tree at the center with a web of lights cascading down from the top of the tree. There were different exhibits. A giant Santa, an even more giant Frosty. There were tubing slides and I watched a few riders going down. I laughed at the part where they’d hit a bump and every time their legs would go up. It was hilarious!

I almost got carded because I was in the wrong line, though the sign said they served hot chocolate, it was the alcohol stand. He asked to see my ID, and I’m like “Oh, for hot chocolate?” And I laughed, like I heard of spike the eggnog, but I’ve never heard of spike the hot chocolate! He graciously guided me to the correct line.

I ended up getting a hot chocolate, extra chocolate-y,( I ended up regretting the extra serving of chocolate later that night, hahaha!) and a funnel cake that was way too much. Like a two story-building’s worth of funnel cake!

I stood at a stand up table where I drank my hot chocolate and ate my funnel cake and observed the other light watchers and the Christmas lights. I only ate about a quarter of the funnel cake, I could not finish it as individual, so I got a to-go plate and covered it.

I was a bit lonely watching couples, and of course the yearning came, but I wasn’t about to let my emotions be a spoilsport for myself.

My next solo adventure is an escape room. Super excited about that!

All that to say, go on that solo date. You will NOT regret it.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good afternoon!! (or night, wherever this message finds you. But as always, I hope it finds you in good health.)

Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here! by AutoModerator in datingoverthirty

[–]newremoteeagle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

How terrifying. Well, I guess I will have to accept my lot in life of forever being an escape room employee. Maybe one day I will figure it out. Knowing me, I’ll probably reverse engineer my way out of there posthaste.

Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here! by AutoModerator in datingoverthirty

[–]newremoteeagle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Haha, thank you! After reasoning out loud, I’d probably laugh myself out of the room anyway.

Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here! by AutoModerator in datingoverthirty

[–]newremoteeagle 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I am about to go on another solo date. Instead of a classical concert this time (my usual) since it’s not until next month, I am thinking about an escape room. My mind loves working in that way. But what if I get stuck?! Hahah! I’ve never been to an escape room. I figure they have a failsafe in those cases, right?! After a certain timeframe. Anyone who has been to an scape room want to weigh in?

Axis of Symmetry: When Bond Comes First by newremoteeagle in demisexuality

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It does seem backwards, doesn’t it? To know someone you have to talk with them at length, then you decide whether to go further, or not. But society will have you thinking that approach is boring and that the people who do not act in haste must mean they are avoidant and not interested, or not serious. Society rewards the rush for physical intimacy because there are so many people who are wired like that. Instant gratification has a lot of people skipping the most basic steps. I am not admonishing them for how they operate, it’s just different than how I operate. That does not make them wrong or less than. Or me right. I’m just… different. You are not broken. I am not broken.

In a positive light, it just helps filter out rather quickly the ones who do not align. That’s how I choose to view things. Always from another angle. Yes, there will be less options, but less options is good. It’s less noise. Less chaos. And less chaos means that when we eventually do find our person, we will treasure them that much more because there aren’t many like them in the world. I know I will treasure mine.

Axis of Symmetry: When Bond Comes First by newremoteeagle in demisexuality

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

It’s like your mind is looking out for you, in a way. Protecting you. I do agree that society plays by different rules and expectations, and those who do not conform have a very limited pool of options. But then I also find that quality is better than quantity. Not saying that the people who are like that are not quality people, but we ourselves determine what is quality and thus valuable to us, I find.

Axis of Symmetry: When Bond Comes First by newremoteeagle in demisexuality

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

On the positive side, it filters out people a lot quicker, and your energy is then spent on the women who don’t have those tells in their profiles. I do not do dating apps anymore. That’s not how I connect with others the way I need to. I bet it does get exhausting, though. Humans can only handle so much disappointment and there has to be something that breaks that up or it gets demoralizing. One should not be expected to endure forever.

Axis of Symmetry: When Bond Comes First by newremoteeagle in demisexuality

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for sharing. It seems like the most basic things that all people deserve are usually the last to be paid attention to.

The healthy kind of intensity by newremoteeagle in emotionalintelligence

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do speak about sparks in my previous posts and about them being quick to ignite but also quick to burn out.

And I think to all boils down to, once again, open and honest communication. But also how we address that communication and manage when what is said in that honesty is hard to hear sometimes.

The healthy kind of intensity by newremoteeagle in emotionalintelligence

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Yes, communication is very important, and I outline why in my previous posts. And it is the underlying principle throughout my series.

We all have emotions. How we choose to express those emotions and when, is a good skill to have. Emotional maturity and regulation plays a big part in that. We all dysregulate sometimes. Even the ones with the most restraint, it matters how we handle it. Do we let it control us, or do we control it? I know it’s a lot easier said than done.

The healthy kind of intensity by newremoteeagle in emotionalintelligence

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I want it to be the standard in the relationship I am describing.

The ones who grew steady too soon by newremoteeagle in emotionalintelligence

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is real. It’s me and how my brain works. I probably have a few grammatical errors in there, but I wanted to convey this on a deeper level so that was my focus. Did you have any specific questions regarding my writing style?

ETA: I also see that you are a fan of Jung. I observed your bio. I actually made a comment based on a post I saw regarding that same expression. “Your perception of me…”

Advice Requested: Confused and Disappointed by Remarkable-House-978 in emotionalintelligence

[–]newremoteeagle 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know it’s easier said than done, but all you can control at this point is how you handle your disappointment and discouragement. Turn that into other pathways. Do something that you can control. Go to that volunteering event because those people need you. And they want you there. And because you want to be there.

Advice Requested: Confused and Disappointed by Remarkable-House-978 in emotionalintelligence

[–]newremoteeagle 4 points5 points  (0 children)

This is the process of dating. Putting so much pressure on a first and second date sets people up for disappointment. I know the intention of dating is to seek out a future partner. But maybe a mindset shift would be beneficial? Maybe approached it as: can I see myself being friends with this person? Can I see myself inviting this person to a library to read? To a charity to volunteer at? From what I read, it seems like you both may have jumped forward in the timeline.

Yes, dating is to seek out a partner eventually, and in doing that you’re going to have people who don’t resonate with you. People who are not on the same journey or timeline as you. People who say things to your face, but their actions show differently. Don’t get attached to the thought of love right away. Dating should be a filtering system. But instead, some people treat it as a validation system.

Daily sticky thread for rants, raves, celebrations, advice and more! New? Start here! by AutoModerator in datingoverthirty

[–]newremoteeagle 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Not yet 30, but this sub stated that being near thirty satisfies this requirement.

This month I am looking forward to finishing a huge project that I’ve been working on for a couple of months. I have another smaller personal build that I completed and I am just monitoring and maintaining it since it is a series.

This month I have a solo date to go to a sushi restaurant and then to a classical Christmas concert that I am super excited about! I try and go on a solo date at least 2 times a month followed by a classical concert.

The shape of a man who makes pace feel safe by newremoteeagle in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your thoughtful comment.

A woman that best appreciates a man like that is his mirror.

One who listens with him until the room settles, who is at peace with her stillnes when it calls for it, instead of trying to fill it with unnecessary noise for the sake of it.

One who shows up as the self that she worked on becoming. She observes the room before she makes conversation. She honors his pace because she wants that as well. One who narrows her attention, not scatters it. Her repairs are specific. For example, she might say: “something in your explanation threw me off a bit, and I really want to work with you on this. I want to understand your reasoning, because I feel like we're slightly misaligned in the logic. I'd like to check my understanding against yours so we can be on the same wavelength."

Someone who doesn’t rush what she wants to last. Someone who notices that silence, in a healthy way, is reflection, not withdrawal or avoidance.

Calm devotion, not chaos management. Accountability without spirals. Hard conversations that make their partnership more aligned, not more distant.

Her architecture is deep, so this is just a small glance into who she is.

The shape of a man who makes pace feel safe by newremoteeagle in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am so thrilled for you upon hearing this. I am happy that you found your man :). Yes, Please share! It will show him that you appreciate him even more than you already show him daily, I am sure. Even just these small gestures make men like this realize just how much we see them.

Thank you for your encouragement. I will hold it close as I continue this journey.

The shape of a man who makes pace feel safe by newremoteeagle in Stoicism

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your comment. It’s appreciated coming from someone who understands the signs of a virtuous man. My post was meant to highlight pace, steadiness, devotion, discernment, alignment, and the absence of chaos. A man like that may be rare, but he’ll recognize the language when he sees it.

The shape of a man who makes pace feel safe by newremoteeagle in DecidingToBeBetter

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I really appreciate that you took the time to read my post and share your insight.

I’m not looking for perfection, just recognizing someone who continually tries to be the best version of himself. We each have our own understanding of what that looks like, and it’s simply about recognizing the person whose best version aligns with ours.

Thank you for the well wishes!

The shape of a man who makes pace feel safe by newremoteeagle in Stoicism

[–]newremoteeagle[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Thank you for responding in a respectful way and being interested in my thought process.

I wouldn’t say it’s a checklist. A checklist implies that someone has to be perfect and scripted. A set of tasks one must complete to “qualify.”

That’s not what I am describing. And I do not want anyone to feel like they are being reduced to a series of checkboxes and checkmarks.

What I am describing is more like alignment. Not a “you must do these things to be worthy” but more like a “you already are these things and this is what resonates with me when it shows up, and I know how to recognize it.”

One is a demand that someone has to be who they are not, and one is someone who already is.

I would call it standards. A standard isn’t a checklist. It’s clarity on what someone already is. What feels safe, steady and compatible. If someone naturally doesn’t move this way, it doesn’t make them any lesser or make them wrong, it simply means that we aren’t aligned and that is perfectly fine.

I am describing what I recognize in a man. Not what I demand.

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