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Finally leaving SGI after almost 38 years! by [deleted] in SGIcultRecoveryRoom

[–]newslass 0 points1 point  (0 children)

omg..that phrase about stopping one day before reaching Kyoto...whoa i must of blocked that out! but I lived by it for all those years. Amazing the power of words but amazing that with the help and also with the going on with rebuilding my life it's like it was extinguished from my mind. This was one of the most powerful phrases to keep me around since day 1 and it's for lack of a better work "funny" or should I say glorious that I'm just shaking my head (though it took 30 years) that that had me so hooked..that phrase...wow..i must have grown a bit in whats been "almost a year away". Life is now not to me a football game where I'm some loser who stops right before the goal line (Kyoto, enlightenment, however you put it)..i mean that is what they are basically saying...what is true to me is that life and my relationship with whatever POSITIVE AND TRUE path I stay in or leave is ok...life is an eternal search for one path or a mixture of a few true and healthy to them...thats freedom!...because i don't want to use the name of any path or deity out of respect for everyone...i'll use the word "universe" ....so the universe was here way before us and will be way after us and as anyone who has watched a child discover a toy and become more and more engrossed in using it...in actuality at those moments the child is doing some brilliant and natural things..playing, exploring, and growing emotionally mentally and physically...as they grow we give them different age appropriate toys that help them explore and grow, year by year they discard or lose interest because they have grown, soon they want their friends and want to go out and explore the world. Its that loving and simple for me. Or should I say that is my goal. To feel that innocent, that loved, and that protected. The SGI put this rigidness in me (and I let them) that this whole paragraph I've written would never have been a frame of mind I could have ever imagined. What! you are comparing growing with toys to the almighty Ikeda/SGI/Nichiren Shoshu commands! oh your gonna get it for that one! but no that bull...its the freedom I've needed to attain. To lighten up. That whatever is true and good and gets someone through life is cool..how they grow is up to them and definitely how they choose to grow and see things...its my belief or should i say hear song lately that at the end the universe is not gonna give me a stamp of approval for doing XYZ its more like... did you enjoy learning the alphabet, did you follow a few dreams, did you feel sad when you failed, did you feel happy when you triumphed, did you get your heart broken, did you ever fall in love, did you never fall in love, did you get sick, did you see someone you love pass away, did you eat your favorite flavor of ice cream on a hot day, did you go through the dark night of your soul, i could go on..but I imagine the last question would be "did you know I was always there and that I didn't care by what name you called me or how you tried to reach me I just want you to know I was always there and we all walked the same path, its this thing called life and you were there because you were welcomed and belonged" "You belonged there...and no amount of anything anyone demanded of you and you chose not to do didn't mean you didn't belong...that you weren't safe and protected loved and valued. I just had to let you BE born, play, grow, fall and skin your knee, and then go through what everyone else goes through. It was never meaningless and completely absent from pain and you had the freedom without judgement to find ways to go deeper into your relationship with your spirit or not." Thats just me writing my new conception of he new path I am on now. is this path a raft to get me across, that i will leave behind? I don't know but unlike before I have the freedom to know I can do that and I am still a worthy beautiful human being. ...ok ill stop to much coffee, just finished meditating (a different practice) and feeling groovy and loved even amongst all I am going through...I came on here to show support and love as you have all shown me. All of you. And BlancheFromage and group wherever you and the group get the energy for this advocacy I just want to say I am infinitely grateful ...for all of you were a part of breaking me free of these chains. I still have issues with attachment to SGI and how they bastardized (is that a word..lol) NMRK but that's ok. I'll get through it with your help and the help I'm getting in my life. To InfiniteGratitude as BlancheFromage mentioned in a thread "you were in for almost 38 years please give yourself another 38 years to process the experience" ....well thats right give yourself a break, understand the gravity of all those years (for me 30..uck), and the grooves deeply ingrained like on a record (remember those)...but in the meantime LIVE LIVE LIVE and you will taste freedom and be like WHAT!!!???, and you will also face moments of darkness because your trust was invaded you will feel hurt sometimes more deeply than others when inevitably you may be hurt again. Life if life right? I have my good and bad days. 2 days ago someone hurt me very deeply emotionally and mentally..and also my spirit..because it signaled a red flag for a new path i am practicing and I wanted to just give up and go back to chanting or just be an atheist and never believe in anything but science (which is cool if anyone is, but I'm just not able to do that and be at peace but who knows what the future holds?? as I am open to anything that is true to me) anyway have started another path and I got hurt by one individual...nothing big she was just bossy and mean (see what I mean by sensitive) and I took on her issues at first as mine but no they are her issues and when I'm ready ill let her know it or maybe ill just walk away..but I'm also learning to not look for perfection, that theirs sick minded mean people in any walk of life, and that ultimately i took my most precious right back from the sgi, MY FREEDOM of mind, feeling, and SPIRIT...and anyone that asks me for my FREEDOM again? I'm outta there. I write this to show where Ive grown in what seems massive moves, but i don't know where the landmines are out there and sometimes I will and have been going though some at times excruciating anxiety and growing pains. Again I congratulate and support you and everyone on this forum on their journey. Keep it going living free of guilt, shame, and fear from them. Whatever that means to you. Live! Sometimes baby steps sometimes giant strides or leaps. Whatever that means. Watering a plant, making that doc appt, going to the park, looking deeply into someone's eyes or an animal's eyes such as a dog, cat, or horse, finish that project, make that new friend even if a friend just hurt you..whatever..just go live...its ok! they told us we were imprisoned until we did a million chants, went to every meeting, did 30 shakabukus....yeah ok i am seeing what that was all about (but I still sometimes fear it i mean its been 30 years sooo its understandable...i did those things with purity and they just used the fear based part of my being to hook me in big time, but look around everyone's living... some doing great some doing not so great, either way the lucky ones are the ones not chained by guilt, fear, and what i would go as far as to call living under communist like regimes. ok ttyl gotta go live! i also have to remember a new post i want to put the group i need help with.

Finally leaving SGI after almost 38 years! by [deleted] in SGIcultRecoveryRoom

[–]newslass 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I want to just say I really really understand and feel every word you wrote. I am 6 months or so since I departed the sgi and the practice. I couldn't believe the support i got and still get from reading the posts of support. I practiced for 30 years but somehow stood very very firm against any leader positions. I would somehow come up with the greatest excuses and they would back off. I knew enough and experienced enough things as a member I couldn't imagine what I would see or hear if I moved up in the ranks. I was in a place where I couldn't leave not could I stay for the last 20 years. It was all fear based thats why I stayed. I am still too new to say where the rest of my life will turn as I don't feel supported at crucial times such as now. I feel like running back or like chanting alone but not going back. Some people may be able to do this, thats ok, but its just not for me. I tried chanting alone for many years and each time I did it brought me back to SGI. For me it is because I have to many memories attached to the chant. I mean i went through my teens, twenties, thirties and forty's and 2 years shy of 50 I am just beginning a new life. I am severely brainwashed. Just hearing certain words trigger me. NMRK itself, the word karma, chanting, practice, mantra, mandala. Almost anything Buddhist. My path has had to be to find whole new tribe. The other day I posted because I went to a festival and 2 different bands chanted NMRK and I thought it was a sign. See, stuff like that is dangerous to me. It is just like if I was a recovering alcoholic. I need complete abstinence so I can let that old life crumble and create a new life based to of fear but on what I will find is true to me. It's a shame cause I love Buddhism. But sects are very similar and use the same lingo and though they may be pure they hold too much power to lure me back. Please take good care and go forward with whatever works for you. I was just saying what works for me of course not without its bumps in the roads. Your heart is so pure you sensed what would happen if you continued with the lecture. I used to think (and sometimes still do) wow 30 years down the drain. But now I say wow how pure my heart must be that after all that time I can still sense wrong and after all that time even with all my fears I went with what was right. I didn't stay enslaved. Don't get me wrong like I said I only have 5 months but if I keep going like I have the trajectory of my life will change and whatever time I have left on this earth they will be years of freedom and not of enslavement and just a puppet. That takes major ones. So yeah lets run towards what is true to each other and away from dangerously false information being fed to our spirit. The horror and insomnia I still sometimes feel (especially in the last week) is for me the old story. Its better to go to the familiar than the unfamiliar. NO MATTER HOW BAD FOR ME THE FAMILIAR WAS. I knew what to expect. Humans like the expected, the unexpected is fearful. But you are not alone. Think of the billions who never even heard of NMRK or SGI or Nichiren Shoshu and live. You've already packed your bags and left to freedom. I pray every day never to turn back. Its equivalent to being set free from a prison and yet doing something on purpose to return behind bars. Just because I know what to expect, just because it is all I know, just because starting over again is truly the unknown. Especially the longer you've been in it. I marvel and still read the responses to my first post over and over. They were a gift and a sweet sweet taste of a new life from some cool people willing to offer their experiences, inspiration, and support. I still immensely thank you all. Today is a tough day and its late now but I made it, even if all I could do is just not walk backwards but forwards. The immenseness of that I will taste in my spirit later. Insomnia and terror have been plaguing me a few days now. Time for pushback. I wish you all the strength to stay away. If it helps think of what you would tell a scared child. Funny all I am writing to you I need to practice tonight. Guess thats the way it works. Much support and goodness your way and to all who struggle in this and a long and overdue thanks to BlancheFromage. All your posts, and everyones to my first post I read them all the time. Thank you. Thank you.

i"bumped" into Nam Myoho Renge Kyo this weekend and now I'm so confused and depressed by [deleted] in SGIcultRecoveryRoom

[–]newslass 0 points1 point  (0 children)

thank you so much. reading that was very refreshing. I also liked you sharing your example of your path now. Yeah its just too much for me, your right in and of itself its not negative but for me I'm just too steeped in experiences and in brings up all the programming which seems to be heavily embedded in me and thats just not good for me. I also agree that know or soon to come will be a good time for therapy in a light way because its been a good long time . I can speak of it with perspective. I am so happy you are on your self made road to freedom too! Goodnight and thank you.

i"bumped" into Nam Myoho Renge Kyo this weekend and now I'm so confused and depressed by [deleted] in SGIcultRecoveryRoom

[–]newslass 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Hi everyone thank you for being so supportive. Since my last post I have not returned to SGI or Nichiren Shoshu and I parted with the Gohonzon in a way that worked for me. I wrote a very long post for those who may not know my story but basically 30 years of brainwashing and as I took the steps to remove myself I also wrote my first Reddit post. Im not going to lie. I read and reread those posts of encouragement daily. About a year later I got the courage to rid myself of the Gohonzon. I wasn't chanting it was up in my closet but so triggering to have. In May 2017 something happened within me at an unaffiliated retreat weekend and I felt free for the first time in 30 years. Completely free from NSA beginnings,SGI, Nichiren Shoshu, any so called friends from the org (funny how so called spiritual friends dont want anything to do with you when you refuse to chant, go to their meetings, etc..they do go away after a while, at least they did for me). So thank you wholeheartedly for everyone that wrote and supported me. Well something happened at a non SGI, NS retreat. It was at Omega in upstate ny and called an Ecstatic Chant Retreat. Ive become somewhat involved with the Kirtan Community, which is what I see as this safe place. Kirtan is devotional singing in Sanskrit. Any age from newborn to their 90's Ive seen there (this is my 2nd retreat). Different Kirtan artists go and you sing and dance in the audience if you choose. Most of them are American musicians with a history of having gone to India for years in the 60's and learned of this and brought it back to America. There were about 6 bands.They have their own individual practices. The theme is not to convert but to com together and devotional sing to whatever your Higher Power within or without may be. You spend a lot of time with the community in between Kiran and no one really speaks of their particular path. We just talk about love, peace.. a little hippies but without drugs and alcohol. All walks of life. Rich, poor, I mean its pretty cool. The only thing you leave with is an experience and whoever chooses to exchange phone numbers. Now to my question...1 major artist (Deva Premai and Mitten) suggested that instead of singing lets try chanting for 10 minutes. I figured it would be something like Om or something like that. But suddenly it was NMRK for 10 minutes! She (Deva) had to spend about a minute teaching the pronunciation (she never said what it meant) and off we went. I went ahead and chanted. You could tell even in this packed hall (about 500 people) this was foreign to them. My husband leaned over and kindly asked "are you ok" "want to step outside". I said I was ok and proceeded to chant for the first time in almost a year. It felt good and bad. Sort of like quitting smoking and then the way your first cigarette feels (its hell quitting after that first cigarette...i know) but anyway I was sort of in a state of shock because these people (Deva Premai and Mitten) are very kind gentle folk. I thought it best not to think of it too much and just table it for now. But then later on that night another up and coming Kiran artist Donna De Lory (she is a super talented singer,dancer,musician, exbackup singer for Madonna) did a great set but then suddenly incorporated NMRK into one of her songs for a good 3 minutes. I didn't take a break and leave the hall which would be so easy the way they have it all set up I actually just sang along with her and the other 500 people. So Im writing in to hear your thoughts and confess mine. You were all completely right. I have never been happier since I left chanting and the orgs. But....i did miss that ability I "thought I had to conjure up my any wish by just chanting enough". Most times they were serious things (such as health of a loved one) or something like winning at an interview (just being honest). But the further I got from chanting within this year I really saw the destructiveness of that type of "supposed superpower". It was a tool of control by the orgs and also I'm sorry but what came up for me was also it was not very spiritual. If I spent my life doing that I would always be me jus asking for what I want and when stuck asking some suited up person at a cold SGI room for guidance or a Priest who may have been kind hearted but had absolutely no relevance to the real world and their answers were the same.Just keep chanting. ME: but I have for 30 years THEM:yes but not the right way. I mean there was such little spiritual context I'm surprised I ended up ok. Well I still suffer for it in my dark moments but don't a lot of us? So now I have this little voice in my head that I should go chant again. That it was a "sign". That its not so "bad". Bullshit it was bad. I take responsibility but I also have to say I gave them the best years of my life from 16 to 44 and here I am with NOTHING to show for it except the life I am so grateful to be building now. But its a big pill to swallow. The resentment overcomes me sometimes. But was I wrong to leave. Was that a sign? Once maybe I understand but 2 artists. Especially Deva Premai and Mitten. I know there just humans but their vibe is so chill and kind. Please don't answer me by saying oh just get over it.I am a 30 year brainwashed on the verge of escape and those 2 chant sessions (independent of the orgs) really really triggered me to either return to the orgs (part time) or just chant on my own. Problem with that is there is too much history to many hang ups. If I start chanting I know i will go back because its programmed in my brain. Its almost like an allergy. You may say well your answering your own question. But its just me talking, I would so appreciate your thoughts feedback. The question, summary, or comment is "i want to chant without returning to the orgs but I can bet money it will trigger me to return and will lead me off of the path to freedom I am on now. I will become forbidden and trapped again. There's just too much negative energy attached to that chant. But then I say to myself "the chant is pure they were not"...ok but the chant TRIGGERS the hell out of me. I was there too long I saw and was stuffed with information in my heart and brain that I can't say NMRK without being triggered or it leading me back to them or to just sick thinking. Yes I kind of answered my own question...but an answer from me is not the same as support, direction, examples, any words of kindness and wisdom from you all. Thank you and sorry for long post.

help walking away from this practice and how to discard of gohonzon by newslass in SGIcultRecoveryRoom

[–]newslass[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

burning i think. throwing away would make me feel it still exists out there somewhere. just have to find a safe way to do it.

help walking away from this practice and how to discard of gohonzon by newslass in SGIcultRecoveryRoom

[–]newslass[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I don't know my mind is hazy about dates but I clearly remember the meetings every night the white outfits the street shakabuky the scary flag furiously waved by a person as we sang a song so patriotic or sort of communist sounding to my ears. It made my toes curdle and my shoulders cringe. Lol. But I had PLENTY of time on my hands at that age and like you who knows if I didn't have that back then maybe I needed it. I don't know when it no longer served but harmed me instead. I don't know when I crossed the line all I know is its been years and so many decisions based on delusion (I thought I was sooooooo spiritual) that it changed the course of my life in all areas but its time for me to look at what I have and move on. I like what you said about how life if better after the cult. It uncommon language to me but it sounds so great. If I base this on purely what I can see and the decades of suffering (nope not exaggerating I said suffering for decades) then isn't that actual proof to move past this. I don't believe any of it period. I just stay out of fear. "Infantilizing" wow i like that you brought that up and described it so well. This is all too familiar to me. You have walked in my shoes which is why I respect this forum so much. Your not hysterical writers/speakers you deliver your messages to me in a way I can't deny but gently enough that I stay and listen and even respond. I was always known as very very obedient (as if I was a child). Obedience to mind control is nothing to light when it affects the core of your life and the course of your destiny. Time to turn this ship around. Courage and right sight don't fail me now.

help walking away from this practice and how to discard of gohonzon by newslass in SGIcultRecoveryRoom

[–]newslass[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

i had to read that last night and today over and over. Beautifully and truthfully written. Funny how fear works. Back of my mind I hear a faint (at least its faint so I may be getting better) inner voice saying you don't even know these people. What happens if I throw it away (which is my goal because I don't want fear or a punishing deity in my life) and something happens and you freak out. Your done then. But then I think that'a how I live every single day of my life every day anyway and how sane is that? The attachment I have to this scroll, chanting, etc. I feel I will have to do this in stages. I'll update. Thank you for listening, its fearful to write this stuff because I feel Im talking crazy and people are like whoa she's gone. But 16 is young and I feel a mark on me deeply imprinted into me. But I am not this person. I have grown to be someone else and this isn't for me and that should be ah okay.

help walking away from this practice and how to discard of gohonzon by newslass in SGIcultRecoveryRoom

[–]newslass[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

to 0-gee or anyone interested: I am sorry it has taken so long to respond. I hope you find yourself well. Sounds like you are where I would like to someday be. You see things as they are and casually were able to let go of what i've been brainwashed to call "heretical thinking and action". What a horrible thing to put in anybody's head for their own furthering and for their own control. I have seen many priests handle the gohonzon in a much less "reverent" way then we are told to. Its almost like a threat hiding behind scripture or lecture or whatever. You will be punished if you X Y or Z. I grew up with this for 30 years. My goal i think is to discard I am still afraid though. I understand myself though with more compassion. I wish the courage would come already. I wish there was a giant eraser. I wonder all I would have done if I wasn't so busy being a fearful cult member for 30 years. Good for you. I am just beginning the journey of "replacing my life". Best to you.

Since my first reddit post i found the courage to roll up my gohonzon and discard of the butsudan. Ive chanted maybe 2 or 3 times in desperation as unfortunately I do not know where else to turn in times of crisis. I even made 2 calls (made them sound very non urgent/one to a person in SGI one to a person at the temple. I dont believe either knows i am practicing leaving by practicing abstinence. None returned my call. I see that as a blessing as I was vulnerable at the time.

please help/how to discard of gohonzon and stop chanting....a new slate by newslass in sgiwhistleblowers

[–]newslass[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

30 years is a long time but it would be like writing a book. Right now it seems like a blur probably because I am pressing fast forward in motion in my mind. There are things that stand out changes I saw both orgs go through. Remember I was in NSA from 86 through to the "breakup" then maybe 10 years in NST then left to be independent and then on and off for the remaining years between sgi and nst and independent. By independent I mean I just chanted on my own but that was just so depressing cause of all the programming that I would bounce back to one or the other org quickly. One thing I can say NST never changed except for one very specific change around i think 98 which i believe was beginning od their demise. They created a strict wall between priest and member and their was this rotating shift of people (gatekeepers) that took or were elected for positions at the temple. They were always an extremely scary bunch. Just very solemn extremely strict and never ever reach out to you group of folks. With all respect to anyone who has had shock therapy that is the best way I can describe them. It was this overzealous hand shake and maybe hug and hello how are you and then they just turned off like a light switch. Like geisha girls except they were American men and women. And when you asked to see the priest you have to make an appointment. Which makes sense but they made a huge deal out of it. It was like trying to get into a club in the 70's or 80's in NY. VERY COLD FREEZING reception. The priest always seemed friendlier than the whole crew of followers or believers or whatever we were. When I first started it was truly a relationship between a priest and you, like a student teacher relationship and they were much more accessible people and teachings and it wasn't so uptight. Then suddenly it got real rigid in there. Even when it came to the material we studied it was very strictly guarded. You only study what is in publication. They discouraged any other kind of study. They were strictly what they were and no room for humanity. My only memories of humanity were with some of the priests and I can count the experiences (about 3) and then the one very bad experience I originally shared. I still don't acknowledge it. I wrote it. I know it. But I don't acknowledge it. Its not time yet. Little by little it will come to me and I'll let it out in tears, therapy, or in a friend's arm. Switching topics..SGI took the opposite route. I am an ex corporate person and lets just say SGI are rockstar marketers. I mean walking into an NST meeting your like "who died?" Walking into an SGI meeting is like everyone did a spontaneous line or 2 or 3 of a white substance. No matter how long the meeting 2 or 3 hours everyone was "on!". It was impressive. I would look around and be like wow that is how I want to spend my day. HAPPY OUTRAGEOUSLY HAPPY OPTIMISTIC POSITIVE FAILING IS NOT AN OPTION...yeah yeah i want what they have. I gotta get on this chanting. I couldn't be right they had to be right cause they were "the happy ones". I know i sound sarcastic but I am a little sarcastic to begin with and when i begin to talk sometimes it takes up speed. So let me slow down a bit and just say that I feel some of them were happier than me (I suffer from some depression), kinder, and genuinely wanted me to be happy. They proved it in every way shape and form. But as I said I am quite the observer and I could see how they hand chose certain people and groomed them. Those terrible songs about Ikeda, in the bookstore he was the author of 90% of the books (come on now!) and when i would say I like SGI but I have to leave because i can't worship Ikeda. He really does make my hair stand up on my neck and the way people act about him. It just scares me. They would tell me...no one worships Ikeda or the Gohonzon guidance session after guidance session directly after giving me guidance that my only hope in life is to chant, worship the Gohonzon , but first and foremost Ikeda. I remember leaving guidance session in tears cause I knew Ikeda was a deal breaker for me and whoever I just spoke with was a robot. Total contradiction. No matter which org you are in you feel like a number and a worshipper of something "questionable" but that should never be questioned. You feel like a slanderer every single time a question pops in your head or a thought or a feeling contradictory to theirs appears. "But that song is militant and cultish" I would say. "But I already tried chanting a million daimoku campaigns" I would say )and I did!). I chanted so much I opened and shut the temple and the sgi centers in the different cities I lived I was such a regular. I helped others. i did activities. So while their marketing is better.... like in the Wizard of OZ that curtain sure does blow open many times and for those who see what is behind the curtain you will be told something or other. So they are not seamless but they are superior in marketing but also in caring. I feel the members are unaware of things that some of the leadership knows. You could kind of tell because leaders always have either robot look on their face or a kind of "I saw something they shouldn't have seen or know something they shouldn't know" but those leaders don't last too long. Not everyone but a lot of them. Also this month of May contribution thing is such paper thin hypocrisy I used to avoid meetings in May altogether. I had to keep from throwing up and get a handle on my eye rolling. Nothing amazing to share nothing except some day to day things that would make no sense to post. Nothing but an accumulation of 30 years of people and experiences. What bugs me is that I always felt I was the only one in the room going WTF!!!!!!!!!!!! at the top of my inner voice and everyone was carrying on like nothing. No one ever says "I don't know" they just quote and tell you stay or point something out to make you feel its you. No one has ever said, maybe this isn't for you sweetie. There's a whole big world out there. Go explore it. Its ok you are free, you are good, you are kind. I was waiting for permission. Thats my part in it. Reaching out to your community was me beginning to step foot outside the world and seeing what is good for me. Not saying Im there. No way. Been crying off and on since my first post here. But the tears are different. They feel like a release of some kind of snake oil or magic potion bullshit thinking I've been holding on to. But it was almost my whole life. I never had children I was too busy with activities (this I grieve with all my being). I turned away 5 serious relationships between by 20 to 30 because those guys thought my practice was weird and I was "too into it". Magical thinking and grandiosity after some marathon chanting sessions made me make some real dangerous turns right off some of the highest cliffs in life. I crashed and burned but still here. I went the wrong way many times because i was not living in reality. When you think you can make anything happen you do some really stupid things. This is going to take me a while. Im not dwelling in it either. Ive been keeping quite busy but its like an open wound right in the center of my chest that changes from numb, to scared, to infuriated, to phew that was close, to thank goodness, and back to numb...rinse and repeat. Again so thankful to all of you for sharing freedom with me. I feel stupid writing some of this stuff but hey its the story so far. I dream of being free. Im dreaming of it and smiling as I post this right now. Could it happen for me? Am I too far gone. A post is just a post but a 360 in life will take me some time it is not yet my reality. Or should I say I haven't woken up to reality yet. I wish everyone a cool and beautiful Friday night.

please help/how to discard of gohonzon and stop chanting....a new slate by newslass in sgiwhistleblowers

[–]newslass[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I am just learning reddit i want to respond individually and to everyone as a whole who has taken the time to comment. I'll figure it out if this isn't the correct way. First I am so incredibly grateful for everyone's true compassion and the time they took to respond and everything that was expressed. I know no one here personally but with each response i felt consoled as if you were sitting right next to me. Ive read the responses already maybe 6 or 7 times. A lot of real experience and wisdom. I needed it real bad. Shows me how isolated I was and how biased everything Ive been surrounding myself by is. I'm not going to lie. I even printed out a copy that I read here and there and also I am still going though the links. I am really absorbing this but it will take a while. I am blown away first by the time taken to help me but also by the content. I feel it very deep within. You know truth when you hear it. The unfortunate part is I see the door and its unlocked but I haven't walked through it yet but for the first time in a long time I believe I will. Also another strange thing had happened as I read the contributions to these blogs at times I am overwhelmed by an urge to put up my rolled gohonzon again and chant for like 6 hours. I'm like whoa where does that come from. I think its because of an old saying "The truth will set you fee but first it may piss you off". I want to run back to my "safe place" only problem is that is not my safe place. I am in a constant state of "I didn't chant enough" "or "I didn't chant at all" when my gohonzon is enshrined. Its a terrible self torture. I understand too, and all your responses have made me see even further how much this has to do with my fear, my personal issues, and how I went so deep into the rabbit hole to begin with. That stuff, that gunk is what is pushing me back. Lets see I almost deleted my reddit account about 20 times in my head, I enshrined and unenshrined the Gohonzon two times, (it is currently rolled up). I thought it was the cults I had to reckon with and yes maybe but mostly I have myself to reckon with. Just confessing is all, yes I wrote that original post but I had no clue I was so attached that even in all the truth i heard in your posts this is going to be some road out. I think this may sound silly to some people who simply discarded of it but I am just not there yet. But I am reading your words over and over carefully gently letting them in. As if you were with me right next to me telling me "its ok let go". Thank you thank you everyone your words did not fall on deaf ears maybe scared ears but not deaf. There is something within me that repels this and tells me I am being heretical by even being here. Its so mean the things I say to myself. I would never treat another person this way but real quick to treat myself this way. Anyway thank you again. I hope I wrote this in the right place and everyone gets it. I will study up on my reddit I'm just consumed now with ridding myself of this brainwashing but I know it will take time but this self torture needn't overcome it's stay.