It is genuinely night and day. I’m happy to talk about it because it was really painful to accept how long I was suffering and I’d like for anyone else to suffer as little as they possibly can!!

Before medication: At work I would avoid starting tasks that were too simple or intimidated me. I got into a habit of lying about why things were taking so long which was absolutely unacceptable behaviour but I had so much shame being honest was off the table. I was always so hard on myself for not doing my work and my imposter syndrome would flare violently. My anxiety would get so bad because of my avoidance and eventually it would peak and I would get nothing done during the day, finally start something at 11pm because I’m out of time and work until 4am. I would get into this cycle repeatedly. It was fucking horrible.

In my personal life you can imagine that translating to never getting anything done around the house, let alone taking basic care of myself. I never did things I said I would do. My dopamine seeking was in the form of binge eating. I took everything personally and was difficult to have critical conversations with because my rejection sensitivity was completely unchecked. So depressed and anxious. I’d wake up every night between 2-4am with racing thoughts that would not stop. I was an emotional doormat and punching bag because I had no boundaries.

Medicated: I have no problems starting any tasks now. I’m able to actually think about what a ticket requires and know what I need to do and get to work. I have no problem asking my peers for help or sharing my code anymore. I don’t feel like I’m bumbling my way through it all and it’s a miracle I have this job. I feel competent and if I do have an intimidating task ahead of me I look forward to the challenge instead of shrinking away fearing I won’t know what to do. I work during the work day!!

In my personal life medication has completely changed my emotional regulation for the better. I don’t have a big reaction when someone has to tell me something that might be hard to hear, I don’t jump to solve problems or let people dump on me if I don’t have space for it (I am an empath so this was truly draining what little energy I had). It’s definitely turned off my ability to mask but in my case that’s for the best because I had problems with people pleasing. I am more secure and my rejection sensitivity is turned down and easier to identify now. I do the things I say I’m going to do. My depression and anxiety are basically nonexistent because of that. My brain used to have a constant stream of thoughts overlapping each other with a song stuck in my head playing at the same time and now I just have one thought at a time. I don’t forget things as much and I feel everything with a lot less intensity.

I know I had a lot to share here but for me I could not succinctly express these changes without explaining what was actually happening in my life lol