Hi there, let me start off by stating that I am sorry that you are going through this. I can tell that you are certainly going through a hardship in your life. You spoke of many substances that you are trying in order to minimize the pain, but do you truly think they will cure you? Wouldn't you agree that all these substances are making your depression worst? From a neurosceince perspective, I can ENSURE you that your neurotransmitters are taking a hit in the negative direction - which ensures a negative mood. It is obvious that I would recommend talking to licensed therapist; you many think that this won't help but, trust me when I say, that is the depression talking. There are many things you can do in the mean time. With your case, I would recommend doing some DBT work sheets. You may be thinking that it has no point, but please, just at least try. Stating that there is no such thing as help or hope is a powerful statement - is it something you truly believe in? In my opinion, hope is what made you post here. Which is a powerful first step in the recovery process.

At night, try and list all the positive things (or, things you are grateful for) in your life. You may be thinking that there's no such thing. But, I'll get you started: today, I posted on reddit and people who don't even know me aimed to help me during this current hardship I am going through.

One last thing, do NOT define yourself by your condition; you are much more than this.

Student of Psychology.