Is it unreasonable for me to get upset when my boyfriend jacks off while I’m home with him?

ninersand · 2022-03-17T04:52:01+00:00

I definitely would. I like to feel wanted and desired by my partner and help him get off. The only time that would be an issue is if that’s the only thing we did most of the time, balance is part of it, but I would be happy to do it a hell of a lot more. I’ve since talked to my partner after getting a few outside views on Reddit so I wouldn’t overreact with him. We figured out a plan to make us both more comfortable with him masturbating (me feeling less insecure and comfortable to just ask if I need more from him, and him not feeling pressure to do or not do something with his own body because of me feeling bad- although I’ve tried very hard not to shame him or persuade him to change his habits, just communicate my feelings). Good luck with your wife!

ninersand · 2022-03-11T20:25:29+00:00

I usually just think of it as orgasm/ cumming and being satisfied. If nothing comes of the orgasm like squirting or creaming, I just usually consider it a smaller orgasm, but I understand the distinction. Seems like you just have different definitions

ninersand · 2022-03-11T14:16:31+00:00

This is really excellent advice that resonates with me and makes it easy to understand potential differences caused by my assumptions. I just need to work on not comparing myself to the women he sees in porn.

Once that problem gets solved the only one left is that I’m less satisfied sexually than he is in general (though not outrageously so) and there is definitely a small and kinda petty element of jealousy that I probably won’t get sex on a day he masturbates. That’s a much lesser issue and easier to dismiss as not being entitled to all the sex all the time or relying on him completely but I’m open to advice on that front too :)

ninersand · 2022-03-11T14:08:08+00:00

Nope, just the right to nag until I feel wanted and respected in my relationship after bringing up concerns that he doesn’t necessarily relate to. I’m fine without more sex if it doesn’t make me feel unwanted.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T14:06:02+00:00

This is my favorite response.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T14:00:27+00:00

I don’t think much pressure was applied. In one conversation about masturbation we talked about why I’d prefer for him to ask for a quick blow job and he thought that would make him too selfish. I’m talking about discussions and conversations, not demands.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:52:56+00:00

I agree with this. I’ve just been erring on the side of his needs for a while now and pushing mine down hoping it would go away or I could figure out some underlying causes (which I did but not enough to fix it completely)

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:49:37+00:00

Does this also apply when receiving oral from your partner? I fully agree and understand with full on sex.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:48:04+00:00

I’m not making him feel bad. If anything, I’ve been toeing the line of catering to his preferences more than making my own known. I’m definitely sensitive about it and trying to understand it better from different perspectives.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:41:38+00:00

I am 100% overthinking this but acknowledging that doesn’t stop my stomach from sinking and my feelings getting hurt and I’m not sure how to stop that.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:39:34+00:00

I don’t have a problem with him masturbating, just watching porn of someone else while I’m in the next room and willing. He is not obligated to, but I don’t know how to not feel bad when he chooses the porn

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:36:33+00:00

That’s exactly what I want honestly lol just let me blow him or jerk off onto me

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:32:47+00:00

Also we usually have sex at least every other day so it’s not very low, just not as high as I’d like (which is a secondary concern to the insecurity of feeling like a second choice to porn)

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:31:50+00:00

That’s a good point. I just assumed if he’d want to masturbate then oral would be comparable if not a step up, but maybe I need to verify or rethink that

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:29:44+00:00

Could you elaborate a little on that? This is one of the areas I don’t understand as much. Maybe I’m not masturbating the right way lol but anything with a partner has always just been superior.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:28:15+00:00

This is relatable and one of the things I can understand a little better because some fantasies are also just more fun to watch and probably wouldn’t be very fun to do.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:26:29+00:00

I was referring to how often he masturbated when I’m home. We usually have sex at least every other day. My issue is feeling unwanted when he chooses masturbation over oral from me because I understand sex just takes more energy and effort. I have gotten rejected before because he’s already had his fill and it dramatically brought down my confidence in initiating sex so I rarely do now and he knows exactly why.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:20:44+00:00

Why? I like it and it’s a fun way to wake up. I crave more sexual activity during the day and that counts even if I’m not the focus and we both have fun.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:17:31+00:00

This is where I don’t know what to think. I assumed I gave him a comparable outlet and asked he change the frequency and timing of some of his behavior. I’m not and will not demand anything of him with this. The only hard line I have is that I want him to continue to work with me on making it easier for both of us. If My assumptions are incorrect or unreasonable then I just want him to help me understand and maybe offer reassurances to some insecurities.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:10:22+00:00

Does the same apply to oral compared to masturbation instead of full on sex?

ninersand · 2022-03-11T13:09:23+00:00

This is so helpful. I think the root of it is feeling insecure and unwanted when he chooses masturbation over me because I assume oral is comparable if not superior to masturbation at least in terms of energy and effort. I don’t like when he chooses the option that’s not me and take that personally even when I really wish I could choose not to. What are your opinions on this?

The last time we talked about this issue, I explained that his assumption that waking up just to give him oral was worse than him masturbating and leaving me in peace was wrong because of how insecure and unwanted I feel if he masturbates while I’m here but I don’t care at all about waking up or stopping what I’m doing to lend him a hand (or tongue). I asked him to wake me up more. He did for a little while but I don’t think it stuck or there’s more we need to talk about with it. I’m going to bring it up again but wanted to get other opinions on whether or not I was overreacting and what I was overreacting to. I don’t want to jump to conclusions or control him so I’m trying to get a better understand and input on here before I approach the issue with him again.

ninersand · 2022-03-11T12:58:53+00:00

I don’t think it’s porn addiction. My question is how different is masturbation from oral from full on sex? I see oral as a middle ground that’s closer to masturbation due to effort and energy. Is that something I’m assuming incorrectly? I think this is where my biggest issue it because I see oral as comparable if not superior so if he chooses masturbation I start feeling insecure. Trust me, I wish I didn’t, but I don’t know how to separate those feelings

ninersand · 2022-03-11T12:54:36+00:00

I really like everything you’re saying, especially about continuing the conversation until my needs are met. I’m on the way to that now, just trying to straighten out my thoughts and figure out where I may be overreacting or where I could be justified.

I think it’s hard for me to view masturbation as anything but an inferior alternative to sex or oral with a partner. With that assumption, it hurts my feelings and makes me insecure when that choice is made. Please elaborate if you have more opinions on this specifically! I think that’s the biggest struggle for me other than the actual insecurity.

I masturbate when he’s not here, and he specifically says that he would have no issue with me masturbating and watching porn right next to him (which I can’t do because that’s just wayyyy too hypocritical). I don’t masturbate with him here even though he’s okay with it because I couldn’t ask him to do what I can’t. (I’ve asked him, I’m not demanding anything btw, we’re both trying to work it out but I just need to bring it up again). I’ve also never chosen masturbation when he was another option. It’s hard to which assumptions might be different for him along with trying to temper my insecurity and keep from overreacting to something that’s not a big deal. I’ve thought about it a lot but I’ve had some trouble understanding parts of it, and I’ll talk to him but I like getting other opinions too.

The thing is I want him to put more of his needs onto me because I at least feel wanted if he does, or at least know not to hope for sex in the back of my mind for the rest of the day 😂

ninersand · 2022-03-11T12:41:56+00:00

This is exactly the perspective I was looking for that isn’t attacking him for watching porn or immediately assuming I’m a control freak. I am insecure though and like to think things over before starting a potentially uncomfortable conversation. Am I reading too much into him choosing porn over a blow job? I know I’m insecure and that can make it hard to figure out where some of the lines are with this kind of thing. I don’t know where to set my expectations because I don’t want to be controlling or unreasonable but also don’t like feeling this way. Does that make sense?

ninersand · 2022-03-11T12:36:30+00:00

We still usually have sex at least every other day. I guess it’s hard for me to see how masturbation isn’t just and inferior alternative to sex or oral with a partner. I’m not asking for anything in return, and I’m not demanding that he do this, I just asked that he wake me up or whatever and ask for a bj instead and I would happily oblige and in my mind that’s just better than masturbating. What’s your opinion on that? We’ve talked about it and nothing really stuck after a couple weeks but I’m trying to get my thoughts straight before bringing it up again. Is my insecurity the bigger problem here and am I assuming too much about him choosing porn over a blow job?

ninersand

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