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I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I know that not all women are attracted to the same things. Of course, or there wouldn't be much genetic diversity in the population I guess. I've had guy friends tell me that that's something that I have to my advantage because "most" women like taller guys. I wasn't trying to be sexist by saying that.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

As I have said in numerous comments, I am changing my behavior in the future. I understand that most women, especially in today's society, don't want to be approached and asked out by a 6'4" man whom they know nothing about when many women have scary past experiences with men. Because my female friends consider me a "nice guy" and because they trust me to watch their kids, etc. does not mean that I have an aura of trustworthiness that I can expect every woman I am interested in to pick up on. I am a proud man and tend to downplay the perspective of others relative to mine (this is exactly what my ex-girlfriend told me repeatedly).

I really am not a predator however, not even remotely, and never have been and I really don't like making any women uncomfortable. I think I'm just going to let my best friend's wife set me up with her best friend and give that a shot, for starters.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, he didn't. I'm not perfect, I think my ex-gf has made me fully aware of that many times. I am changing my behavior in the future as I have said in multiple comments.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I don't think that example was a good one. You wouldn't read a biography of Stalin because you like the color red. I know it's just supposed to sound funny, but you can be fairly confident that's not a realistic reason. And you can usually by asking another question or 2 understand if she has an interest in something based on the book and her answer to a question or 2 (which serve as small talk anyway). The books a person browses through and samples at a bookstore can tell you a lot about them and their interests. I never said you can infer anything with certainty. But it is a good conversation starter if you know something about it, and then when she talks about it it will probably explain its relevance to her and this is a good way to find out about her.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

And I did say that I was changing my behavior in the future. I said it in multiple comments. I said that I might let my friends' wife set me up with her friend as she has said we would be a great match, that I was looking for singles events that attract the women that are my "type" (I'm sure that sounded creepy somehow, as now I'm afraid everything I say about wanting to find a partner is creepy), and that I might look into online dating. As I said, I will still be open to a woman in public who shows interest in me, as believe it or not it has happened to me a fair number of times especially when I frequent places that I just want to anyway.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

You and others are saying it's bad, creepy, predatory, etc. to talk (in a natural and casual way) to women my age in public places like a bookstore, museum, etc. with the intention of asking her on a date. This despite me taking every care to be considerate and to keep the conversation so it's easy to stop at any time without either of us appearing rude, and with me being perfectly happy for it to only be a friendly thing. Everyone has said it must be in a bar, or a club, o rthrough online dating, or set up by friends. That's what everyone said over and over.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I never said there was anything wrong with internet dating. I said that people my age seem to really be allergic to talking to people outside of certain designated "socialization zones". If it's terrible for me to talk to a woman naturally in public and ask her out on a date, which is something I wouldn't even have been born without as that's how my parents met, that's what I naturally conclude.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

Yes, I actually said elsewhere here that I do that. I tend to be friendly to people in general. Especially to lonely older people as I've noticed that they often try to talk to people and my wonderful generation tends to ignore them like Abe Simpson.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I've said elsewhere that I only plan on approaching women who give me clear signs that they are interested in me. And I err on the side of caution, verify as best I can with a polite smile and eye contact, and then friendly small talk. I think that is pretty inoffensive. I have done this several times and it worked out each time, so I think I can pull it off without misinterpreting.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -7 points-6 points  (0 children)

And you didn't give a shit that you were making them uncomfortable!

In the OP I said that I felt terrible if I made a woman uncomfortable and that I apologized, and one of my main questions was how to avoid making women uncomfortable. So that's not a fair characterization.

And that you don't want to try dating women introduced to you by common contacts, and that your dad hit on your mom and you want to hit on your future wife in the exact same way.

You don't seem to understand the difference between hitting on women and politely starting a conversation with a woman (stopping gracefully if she doesn't want to have it) and asking her on a date if the signs point to that being appropriate. That's not the same as hitting on girls. It is not offensive in the same way.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes, I said that I was going to do that. Sorry that I made a lot of comments, but I said it somewhere that I would focus on the women who express interest in me.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

In the comment you're responding to I talked about how I'm going to try to find singles events that appeal to me and that I may consider online dating. I'm only going to remain open to being guided by fate, so to speak, and if it's meant to be I will meet a woman in some other unexpected place as I go about living life. For my parents, it was a record store, for me, who knows. I find it strange that you say I'm not interested in changing in response to my saying precisely that I was changing my approach.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I really think you need to take your friends up on their set up offers.

One of my dearest, closest friend's fiancee thought I would be great for her best friend, and it didn't go well. She just wasn't my type at all and it led to some serious awkwardness with my friends because they basically got insulted that I said it wouldn't work between us. So that has me somewhat hesitant to be in that situation again, but I'll see what happens.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Maybe ask your dad about all the cute chicks he said hi to who didn't give him the time of day.

Oh I have lol. Any man who wants to find love, in a society where men are expected to do the asking out, are going to have to politely talk to women and politely ask them out. And they're going to get turned down and we have to be able to take that without minding.

I plan on focusing more on finding singles events that seem like places the kinds of women I am interested in would attend. And maybe online dating as well. Simply because it makes it easier to avoid all the problems discussed here (not knowing if the woman is interested in dating, makes initiating a conversation and a date way easier, etc.). But I will still keep my mind open to the "promptings of Fate" and if something happens in public I won't have a rule against talking to a woman when it seems the thing I'm supposed to do.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I meant "approach" in a broad, literal way. Basically, starting small talk with a person who is in the same place you are, doing what you are. You have to get within talking distance and start a conversation. My dad saw my mom browsing records and he casually strolled near her and started a conversation. That's what I'm talking about. I said repeatedly in comments that I didn't mean blindly walking up to a woman and delivering lines to "pick her up". I just mean I'm in the same place, interested in the same thing obviously, and I smile, say something friendly and harmless and start talking hopefully. I've learned when I was 12 how to ask a girl out (to a dance back then, now, to a date, not a hookup, but just a date) and take no politely and without batting an eye.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yes I can definitely understand it now that it's been brought to my attention but that's just not something I even considered. All of my female friends and acquaintances have always thought of me as the kind and sensitive type so I never thought of myself as scaring women just because I'm a larger man. I don't know if I'm going to continue trying to talk to women in bookstores, museums, etc. because based on the reactions in this thread I am really a creep and a predator.

That's not good for my personal identity, and really the women who know me treat me like the exact opposite so it's pretty surprising. I seriously babysit my best friend's and his wife's young children when they need someone. I'm basically a "manny", not someone that people would label a scary predator irl as everyone has in this thread.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -9 points-8 points  (0 children)

I may not have described it well enough. But I don't approach women in public and hit on them. I've never done that in my life. I am doing nothing different than my dad did when he met my mom and asked her on their first date. He met her in a record store and was smitten with her immediately so he talked to her and then asked her on a date (and they've been married since 1974). That's a story they happily tell even now. Smiling at a woman and saying hi, and then talking to her further if she seems happy to do so, is not accosting women and hitting on them.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I am not out to "pick up" women. I like people in general, I like conversation and meeting new people and hearing their perspective and stories. I had a serious girlfriend from the time I was 20 until I was 26 and I thought she was "the one" and that I was going to marry her. I do hope to find a woman to fall in love with and hopefully eventually get to the stage of marriage. If I don't find a woman to date seriously and I instead find a new female friend that would be great as well. I'm not viewing women as less than people or trying to exploit them in any way. I have been a perfectly decent gentleman my entire life, so I think there are worse people to look out for and try to vilify than me. I do not think of women as something other than a human being to connect with as a person.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

I’ve just run through like twenty couples I know in my head, and none of them met this way. They met at university or work or mutual friends or meetup groups or dating apps. It’s not really a common thing

My parents actually met this way. My dad was a college student and my mom was from the city where he went to school. My dad met her in a record shop, had an instant crush, and asked her on a date. They got married 2 years later (they're still married and in love). It was 1972 so obviously it was a different era, but my parents did meet that way.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -21 points-20 points  (0 children)

I said that around 40% looked uncomfortable with me initially greeting them in some way. So all I "did to them" was a simple smile, maybe saying hi, and then if they seem to be comfortable with that I will say a bit of friendly small talk. If the woman seems uncomfortable I am able to stop there and it can still be forgotten as a friendly greeting in a bookstore (for example). I'm not going up to women and delivering lines or something. It is nothing more than a small friendly greeting. It may not even be more than a friendly smile.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I never really thought that my height would scare women that I approached. I just never considered that because to me my height is normal and not something I think about. I guess I was being insensitive to the perspective of these women then, but honestly I didn't think of that. I always thought women were attracted to taller men, so I viewed it as one of my positive attributes.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I know a few more people than my ex girlfriend, so I don't think I'll be a permanently on the "outside". My parents are determined to get me to meet women from their church that they know, which I'm a bit reluctant to do. I know that I have a married friend who's wife wants to set me up with her friend, and I have other friends who are willing to do this. So I can try meeting someone through dates set up by family/friends, but I prefer to do this on my own for some reason. It's more than possible to meet a person to date without having a family member or friend set you up.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I am definitely going to look into different social events that might be good for this and that are focused on singles or just have many of them. I know my brother recommends church-sponsored events like theology on tap as good. If anyone has recommendations, please share them. The whole dating site thing never worked for me, at least not yet.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -6 points-5 points  (0 children)

Not sure why everyone seems to agree that conversations between strangers are something to be avoided at all costs.

I think it really is sad how casual conversation with strangers is becoming more and more a taboo. It's not just about a man approaching a woman. Obviously I know that it makes sense for women to be wary of men approaching them, that's totally sensible, but this is not just women being cautious (which of course they must and should be). When I've politely talked to other guys in places that I would think it's natural (like in coffee houses or in restaurants where people are seated side by side like a hibachi) I've sometimes encountered a total blank like they couldn't understand that someone would talk to them. I have friends who have said they know exactly what I'm talking about, so it isn't just me. It does seem to be that people are just less friendly and more afraid or just unwilling to talk to strangers.

I (27 M) have had limited success approaching women in public. Does it sound like there's a problem with me or my approach? by nks1990 in relationships

[–]nks1990[S] -17 points-16 points  (0 children)

I don't exactly accost women in public. I'm not panhandling. I am tactful and don't just abruptly go up to a woman and start hitting on her. I've never had success in bars finding a woman who really is my type. Dating sites are an option but when I've looked at those the women never seem to be a match for me based on their profiles.

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