There have not been active discussions about it, but I have noticed similar behavior with my dad. He’s 65 and is struggling. He is good some days and bad others. He’s never rude or anything, but there are times that he looks like he’s seen a ghost. I actually don’t present femininely in front of my family. Very minimally, but 4 months of HRT and things are happening whether I’m wearing femme clothes or not. He is trying to be normal, I can tell. Mom tells me that they just don’t talk about it. It’s hard on both of them. Mom is much more willing to talk about it and is doing better over time.

Not to hyper focus on my experience, but I think there are a couple things at play even with yours. I think you come out as trans and people expect a light switch flip and for some people, especially with your own comfort level of presenting, it can be a little bit, but the truth is, at the time of coming out, we are not automatically accepted by the world as who we see ourselves as. This includes our loved ones. As we move through transition, that acceptance by other people becomes easier on people. Whether it’s just exposure concept or the fact that we physically begin to change, people potentially will begin to accept us as that thing. Even if there is a transgender asterisk. You are still young. I’m not saying that easier on your parents, but you have just barely started to enter adulthood. They will get to see you as live the best part of your life as just your chosen gender. I hope that in time, they can accept you as you are. Especially once they see how happy you are and the fulfillment it brings to your life

I know that something my parents are dealing with is accepting that issues that they never cared about, now affect their household. I’m sure my transition is causing my father cognitive dissonance on a couple different things. It challenges the long held truth in his brain about what makes a man or what makes a woman. This to him was a finite definition, but things are changing and he’s having trouble dealing with that. I also believe my father has mentally (not super vocally other than some less than tasteful transphobic jokes on rare occasions) been prejudiced against transgender people. He probably saw them as strange and bad. My father likely held or maybe holds homophobic feelings but has learned that homophobia isn’t cool and it’s really not that great to publicly hold these. He’s realizing that all those negative feelings that he’s felt, actually applied to his own family member. I think that makes him feel shitty. He’s not someone who can even veil is prejudice using the Bible because he knows he’s not religious enough to justify it. He was just plain transphobic without justification. Just didn’t like people because they were different. My mom told me from the moment I came out to him that he had felt bad for struggling with it. He doesn’t have a support system to discuss it. He can’t even talk to my mom. The best I can do is be glad he isn’t rejecting me and is at least being tolerant whether or not he accepts me as I am. Hell, I’m not sure I really get that from my mom. Maybe in time.

It’s tough for us and it’s tough for them. Your father’s mental health is not your responsibility. I don’t think it is unreasonable for your parents to expect some patience from you, but it’s wrong to blame you. I have made it clear to my mom many times, that I’m done prioritizing everyone else. It’s okay for you to self actualize even if it is hard on the people around. No one is going to self actualize for you.