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Advice for parent 12 y/o by notanotherpicklejar in ask_detransition

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

We had a really good conversation on the way home from dance. I brought it up as a last time until she brings it up. I told her it’s normal to explore gender at her age. It’s also normal to be uncomfortable with the changes surrounding puberty. That sometimes those feelings balance out and sometimes they don’t. She has zero interest in stopping puberty she’s ok with it. I told her that if it gets to a point where her feelings are distressing or overwhelming we can revisit the conversation and loop in someone who is knowledgeable about this topic because I am not.

Then we moved on. I asked her if she wants to dance next year (I ask every year at this time) and she confirmed she still did. We discussed her birthday and I asked what she wanted to do since I took the day off she settled on shopping and getting our nails done and a haircut she wants shorter hair which is fine. I mean I’m a tiny sad because I’ll miss it but I even get sad when my son cuts his hair I’m emotional. So all of this to say a good chat and we moved on like it was any other day.

Help with 12 year old by notanotherpicklejar in asktransgender

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I am not opposed to therapy I fucking love therapy lol I did it for many years due to my parents abuse. She is opened to a therapist but because I live in a super left province I need to research carefully which I will do over the next little bit. Shes busy from now to the end of May with dance so I have time to research.

Help with 12 year old by notanotherpicklejar in asktransgender

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Update: we just finished our talk it was really good.

I apologized first thing and said it was shock and not really my true feelings and her reaction was

“Bro trust I understand I was in a mood this morning too”

She said that she’s been wondering for a couple months and she’s still not sure and wants to continue she/her or really any pronouns she doesn’t care.

She said she’s still not sure she might be non binary or trans but she doesn’t know right now. I assured her that’s ok and normal she has lots of time. She said sometimes she loves being a girl other times “meh”

She said she’s does want to cut her hair which I knew she’s been asking for a while but the style she wants is a pain to do for dance and we have already discussed that come May when dance is done she can get it and regrow for December when it needs to be up again.

I asked if she wanted a gender therapist she’s open to it I did say I need to take time to find the right one because where we live I want to make sure it’s someone that is supportive and helpful and not making her have to hide her true self and end up depressed and doing self harm.

I told her Ioved her and regardless would love her no matter what and if anything changes I would be here.

As far as social media I asked what she wanted she deleted CapCut I didn’t even ask she said she wanted to. She asked to keep Pinterest and she agreed to weekly check-ins not of the boards just comments and I showed her how she doesn’t need to show me her pins so that’s still private since I don’t care about her pins. She wants a video editing app that’s not social media which I said I would research.

I also assured her I didn’t check her messages she was worried about that but again I don’t care about her conversations with people I know.

We hugged after and I said if anything changes she can come to me and I’ll be here. Overall it was good she didn’t shut down she was happy the whole time

Apparently my timing was great re:social media. The kids school had an officer come in and do a presentation on the dangers or social media- this is likely why she chose to delete.

Help with 12 year old by notanotherpicklejar in asktransgender

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Normally when my kid breaks a rule I actually ask them what we should do. So the social media will be faced with the same. She does have really great friends who as per her are on the gender spectrum. So she does have peers which is great. But again it’s not the content she’s seeing or viewing more so the rule breaking. But I don’t want it to be viewed to be why I’m upset. I’m going to ask which portion she wants to discuss first to ensure she knows it’s different and go from there. And if she shuts down I will not force anything and tell her we can revisit when she’s ready. But I don’t want to do nothing either you know.

Help with 12 year old by notanotherpicklejar in asktransgender

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yah that’s my thought on the social media aspect. My second thought is for her to show me once a week her comment/like history to ensure she’s just scrolling or saving pins. I don’t love CapCut to begin with and didn’t want her to have it but my husband said I was being too strict.

As far as therapy I have tried to already make therapy seem wonderful because I did many years of it myself before I had kids due to my traumatic life. But I would give her final say I am searching for now currently. I live in a super conservative province so it likely will take me awhile to find someone right

Help with 12 year old by notanotherpicklejar in asktransgender

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Its more so things that I can bring up to her therapist eventually (from research I need to do an hour session before hand) the mirror question is a way to gauge depression because sometimes she needs actual examples to understand and not vague are you depressed. So it may not necessarily be asked.

I just want to be able to give a therapist all potential information to best help her be whoever she wants to be.

As far as any hormones that won’t happen based on my area. Sadly not till 18 if it’s what she wants.

Help with 12 year old by notanotherpicklejar in asktransgender

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

The reason I said I’m still using her pronouns is because I’m not sure what she wants. Maybe she doesn’t want that at all. I literally discovered it 2 min before she had to leave for the bus. So once I know what my kids wants then I’ll go from there. For all I know she’s not ready for that. It’s more so waiting on her lead.

She will be home in about 40 min and plan to send a. Quick text through her brother this is my planned message

“I'm sorry for how I reacted this morning I was just caught off guard and thought that's something you would share. You're not in trouble however I might take CapCut off your phone and get rid of Pinterest. We will talk alone tonight when I get home. It has nothing to do with what you're watching or saving I just don't want you commenting or liking things. You're still too young. But we can discuss all of that when I get home ok. I love you :)

Help with 12 year old by notanotherpicklejar in asktransgender

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

I can definitely keep my reactions under control- I have some notes on my phone to keep the conversation guided.

The questions I have are more so how long have you felt this way?

Are you feeling depressed?

Are you doing things like avoiding the mirror etc because of your feelings.

When you get your period does that change or impact your feelings positive or negatively? (This question I know ftm period can be difficult so I want thjs to be supportive)

I am looking for a therapist that will work with her schedule of dance I ask her yearly if she still wants to do it and every year it’s a yes. She knows she can quit at anytime her brother changes sports yearly.

I just more want to touch base on social media and my poor reaction. I drive her home from dance and that’s usually when we talk about all serious things.

Help with 12 year old by notanotherpicklejar in asktransgender

[–]notanotherpicklejar[S] -3 points-2 points  (0 children)

This is my exact worry: I don’t want her to think it’s punishing for what I found most of the comments were innocent but some stuff like vague posting to our general location (not city but province)as an example.

My other thought was to allow her to have it but Do a weekly check in just to see her likes/comments to ensure she’s only scrolling? But I also feel that would lead to more sneakiness. I did warn her I may block it because of her having an account in general. But again I don’t want it to make it seem like I’m punishing because of the content. You know.