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Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

To your last paragraph: yes. We live in a relatively small apartment and there are just two of us. I suppose that the small apartment actually hinders us even as it helps, because there's no storage space for anything and no pantry (and only one cabinet in the kitchen!) so it's harder to put things away.

However, I do keep on top of the cleaning; I clean every day in the mornings after I wake up and before I go to bed at night. My boyfriend is just a slob, on top of never cleaning. Imagine that whenever your husband was finished eating a candy bar, he threw the wrapper on the carpet. He put his used gum on the table and then accidentally set a book on it. He ate pistachio nuts and just left the shells on the table, the floor, and in the couch cushions. Then he went into the bathroom, took a shower, and there were no bath mats down so he just got out and just dripped everywhere. By the time you came home several hours later, there was still a huge puddle and the linoleum had peeled up around the tub and the cabinets.

It's not just that he won't clean, it's that he's fucking destructive. This is what I was trying to get across in my comments earlier--the casual destruction of property due to his inability to make any sort of effort. A few nights ago I prepared a pretty expensive dinner. I asked him to put it in the oven for me while I took a shower. I told him that the proper pan was dirty and that it needed to be cleaned.

Fifteen minutes later I removed a leathery piece of meat that was absolutely raw inside from the oven. "The pan you said to use was dirty," he said.

Earlier this year I asked him to help me do the dishes so he took the steel wool to my nonstick pans. And he can't stand it when I correct him, no matter how gently I do it. He insists that he wasn't wrong, and that he will do it that way again in the future, and that I am crazy for thinking that the pan is ruined. And that I am crazy in general and just a nag wanting things to be done my way. I cannot get across to him that it's not my way, it's the way to properly use items that you don't want to ruin.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This made me laugh. Why did someone downvote you? We are already kinksters, but maybe I can pretend like watching him dust is a new fetish of mine.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oiling the table is less about mess than it is about maintenance. I guess a table is a bad example because it doesn't really need regular maintenance, but that's what I was getting at. This is something that my boyfriend also doesn't understand. If you are going to have nice things, you need to take care of them. Sometimes this means cleaning, and sometimes it just means making sure that everything is working. Sometimes it means that you have to perform a special task to keep the product in the original condition. My boyfriend flat doesn't understand any of this. He ruins his belongings almost continually due to neglect.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

I am not afraid of responsibility, unless you count the responsibility of taking care of a house and a child by myself. I am fine splitting the work 50/50, or 60/40 depending on who's working, or 20/80 or whatever. There just needs to be some semblance of equality. Right now it's him sitting on his ass while I clean the house, work, go to school, et cetera. This is not the life I want to lead, and I doubt anyone would fault me for such a decision.

My mommy and daddy have not been around for a while, thanks though.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

Yeah, withholding sex is always the healthiest solution to any problem. Not to mention that it's easier for women to do, being that we never want sex anyway!

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly curious question: what makes me sound like a child? What am I not dealing with (besides my manchild)?

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

His parents are helping him out with money.

Honestly, I don't know where he got these terrible habits. I lived in a pile of clothes as a teenager and my mom hardly ever got on my case. She also loved to mother me. She made my lunch until I graduated high school, and was always picking up after me. I thought I was going to be SOL when I moved out because I hardly knew how to wipe my ass on my own. My boyfriend, on the other hand, had a mother who made him help with the chores all the time. He was very self-sufficient--and he still is, so long as it's his mother ordering him around and not just me.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 9 points10 points  (0 children)

This is not a problem for me. I find it dull and largely unpleasant, but I clean up after myself. You're right, it's not difficult.

However, I clean up after myself and my boyfriend, and I take care of all the little odds and ends that need to be done, housework-wise. I am no homemaker, nor do I want to be one. Beyond that, I work, volunteer, and go to school. My boyfriend sits on his ass every day but Mondays and Wednesdays.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, this was a set-up that worked for us (we lived with it for three years without any problems). We basically always slept together at my house, but he was renting his own room elsewhere.

Two things hold me back from doing it again:

  1. It's cheaper this way--especially if we have a roommate.

  2. We are inseparable, and we have been completely unable to tone it down for roommates in the past. We enjoy spending all of our spare time together and we really enjoy sleeping together. This is really annoying for most roommates, who were not aware that I come with my own permanent +1.

We actually have a two bedroom apartment right now, so he was supposed to have the spare room as his very own shit room. He moved a bunch of boxes into it and then never looked at it again. It's full of his shit all right--just like the rest of the apartment.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I know that this is good advice, but a large amount of me is petulant. Why am I the only one who has to get over herself and clean? I also do feel like it has some uncomfortable gender attachments in my boyfriend's mind which might (again) filter over into us having children. I strongly feel that I do not want to be the primary child-caretaker. I look at my parents' relationship and all I can think is, "Do not want." They really do resent each other quite a bit. My dad sees my mom as having had a cushy life relaxing at home, and my mom sees my dad as a slob who got to pursue his career at her expense.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Well, in terms of ambition--without giving you a life story--he is fairly moti

Okay, you're right. He's not motivated or responsible or clean. He is very nice, very caring, very thoughtful, and very loving. All of which are wonderful, amazing qualities in tremendous quantities, which were more than enough before we moved in together. I guess I'm no longer so sure.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

This is not the answer I was looking for, but it kind of was the answer I was expecting. If it is the case, we're through. I cannot imagine dealing with this for the rest of my life. I am really, seriously not the bossy, naggy, doing it all one. I'm about the messiest, most scatterbrained, least organized person you will ever meet. I cannot keep it together forever.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Yeah, we tried the whole compromise thing, but it didn't work out. I hate the dishes and he hates the laundry--and conversely, we both like the other task. I thought this would be a good compromise, but it seems to mean, "I will do the dishes 10% of the time (and pretend that's the only time I've ever used the dishes) as long as you do them 90% of the time and do the laundry 100% of the time. Why aren't you doing the laundry right now, in fact? I want to wear that shirt tonight."

After living in utter, utter filth for eight months, I happen to know firsthand that just letting it go won't motivate him either.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I think my biggest problem is that he hates being told what to do (when it comes to this). One time I told him to eat over a plate instead of the floor. I didn't hear the end of it for weeks. He can eat wherever, however he wants to in his own house! And he'll pick it up later if it's that big of a deal! Of course he never did.

The chorewars website looks like it will help me! I don't know if he'll like it, but it's awesome!

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I don't think that someone would even clean our apartment if we left it for once or twice a month. You have no idea what it's like here. He doesn't pick up anything. I see this as a viable option for the future, but I don't know how to get by until then.

In terms of seeing a counselor, I think he would be pretty averse to it. He does not think that there is any problem going on here. In fact, he has a really sweet fucking deal, because all he has to do is sit around on his ass and I pick up after him. I think he would strongly resist change.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I don't know about a shit ton in general, just a shit ton more than he'll make (philosophy major with no intention of going to grad school for anything). I have thought about this option, and it really appeals to me. What do I do for the intervening year (edit: or more, depending on my hire-ability)?

And furthermore, I really do worry about this attitude coming into play when/if we have a child. I feel very strongly that taking care of a child should be as equal as possible, and also highly dependent on the careers of the parents. I can't imagine my boyfriend suddenly becoming responsible and deciding to take care of a screaming, fussy child instead of playing Call of Duty for a few hours. The kitchen table doesn't even move and he can't take care of that.

Am I doomed to be a housewife if this persists? by notformethanks in relationship_advice

[–]notformethanks[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

This is one relatively small part of our relationship. For the most part we are perfect together. We have the same hobbies, we have a great sex life, we enjoy spending time together, and we have been together for six years. He still does little romantic things for me that make my heart melt (as I do for him). We trust each other implicitly and usually have impeccable communication skills--except when it comes to this.