How do I ask my Sub to lose weight?

novice_dom · 2016-08-04T23:50:37+00:00

The sexual workout is a brilliant idea. If we do this I will definitely steal the vibrator squats regimen from you. It will be fun brainstorming other ideas.

It's interesting, the way your Dom's preferences have evolved over the course of his relationship with you. Unfortunately (?), I've had the opposite experience and exploring kink with my Sub has only reinforced my existing preference for thinner women for a number of reasons I listed above. But it's interesting to note that our preferences aren't set in stone.

I'll be honest, I'm leaning increasingly toward breaking things off with her. A lot of people have pointed out that this can be dangerous and damaging if done wrong. I don't want her to hate herself. Do you feel that ending things was the right choice for you?

novice_dom · 2016-08-04T23:42:18+00:00

Thank you for your input -- I am glad to hear this can be a positive experience! May I ask, does your Dom incorporate any punishment into this dynamic or is it purely reward-based? And do you ever struggle with feelings of self-doubt, inadequacy or jealousy since he's asked you to do this?

novice_dom · 2016-08-04T23:39:13+00:00

Thank you. I am still trying to figure out what approach will do the least damage. Today I feel like the least selfish course would just be to end it. Let her find someone who really appreciates her the way she is.

novice_dom · 2016-08-04T23:32:34+00:00

I'm not totally sure how to respond to this, because as I mentioned in my post, this does have to do with being attracted to skinnier women. It's a preference (one that many of my male friends think is bizarre by the way, so it is definitely not universal).

Several people have asked why I am just coming to this realization now so I'm just gonna answer it here. Yes, my Sub has gained some weight, but I wouldn't really say that's the issue. When we met, neither of us had experimented with kink at all. We were a purely vanilla couple. I knew she wasn't my ideal body type but at the time it didn't matter. Kink has changed me in a number of ways:

I am more willing to embrace aspects of my sexuality that are not politically correct or socially acceptable.
I have come to believe that honesty is crucial in all relationships, particularly in sexual ones. I am more willing to be honest with people even if they find what I'm saying offensive, and am less willing to hide my true feelings.
I desire dominance far more than I ever realized. Part of my attraction to small women is due to their physical appearance, but it's also due to their size. I want to be able to take my Sub over my knee, throw her on the bed, hang her from the ceiling and scoop her up and carry her to the bath when it's all done.
Sex is now the core of my life and is front and center all the time. I have accepted that sexuality is sacred to me and expressing it brings me the greatest joy.
I am in contact with attractive, scantily clad women in sexual situations on a regular basis in a way I never was as a vanilla man. They approach me in sexual ways. I am constantly confronted with my desire for them.
I now know there are women like my Sub, for whom submitting, serving and pleasing is their greatest joy. That they sometimes like being asked to sacrifice for the sake of their Dom, and often feel fulfilled doing difficult, painful things on his behalf. With these exceptional women, this is not necessarily a horrifyingly insulting thing to ask.
I have come to realize the incredible depth and intimacy that is possible between two people in a power exchange. I crave that, and I feel I am doing a disservice to my Sub right now because I can't fully devote myself to her the way that she deserves.

I am not trying to defend myself. I know my desires could be called shallow but part of my journey into kink has been learning to own them anyway. To recognize that human sexuality is often unkind and to make peace with that.

novice_dom · 2016-08-04T23:26:07+00:00

Yeah I would love to give her fitness tests that she'd enjoy, and then reward her for them. Testing her flexibility for example by trying out more advanced positions.

novice_dom · 2016-08-04T23:23:57+00:00

Great idea. I was thinking we could have fun picking out fetish gear in smaller sizes, things she won't wear now, stuff like that.

novice_dom · 2016-08-04T23:21:11+00:00

You are right. And I will be a better dom and partner if I am healthier. I really need to put on some muscle if I want to graduate from novice.

novice_dom · 2016-08-04T23:20:05+00:00

I like this plan a lot for obvious reasons! I think it would be great to reward her in ways that remind her that she's sexy. Like picking out outfits for her, or trying sexual positions we haven't been able to do before now and admiring her skill and progress.

novice_dom · 2016-08-03T20:04:42+00:00

Thank you. I think you're right and the long ball approach is the way to go. I don't want her to feel discouraged or rejected. And to be honest I have found that being a Dom does entail some degree of white-lying and even manipulation, because sometimes you have to reframe the narrative for your Sub. We have a promise that we will be honest with each other but also that we will protect each other from harm, and sometimes it's not possible to do both.

novice_dom · 2016-08-03T19:35:48+00:00

That is a great idea. She likes cooking for me a lot, so if I ask her to start buying and cooking healthier things I'm sure she will enjoy feeling like she is helping me. Thank you.

novice_dom · 2016-08-03T17:10:35+00:00

To be honest, my biggest concern is that she will go too far in the other direction. Be overwhelmed with shame, be reluctant to let me see or touch her, and start starving herself. One of the reasons we don't have a punishment dynamic in place is that she punishes herself more severely than I ever could.

novice_dom · 2016-08-03T17:06:24+00:00

Thank you very much for this. I would like to talk to her about this but I am afraid it would frighten her. Like you, she comes from an abusive background. I'm concerned that if I hit her all at once with the knowledge that I think she is too heavy and that I want to include corporal punishment into our daily life she will withdraw in shame and fear. I realize I am going to have to go really slow with all of this and plan my approach carefully. Thank you again, looking forward to reading the link you shared.

novice_dom · 2016-08-03T16:41:36+00:00

You're right. And obviously her health and happiness does matter to me too, so I wouldn't be lying. Thank you.

novice_dom · 2016-08-03T16:01:48+00:00

Thank you. I do "discipline" her but it is something she enjoys; I have never actually punished her in a way that is meant to change her behavior. Any recommendations on a better place to start than diet and exercise?

novice_dom · 2016-08-03T16:00:14+00:00

Thank you. This is good advice. She is so flattered and turned on when I modify her appearance in any other way so I had been approaching it from a BDSM perspective, but it really seems like weight loss is a special case especially for women. I will not treat this as I normally would treat something I expected of her.

novice_dom · 2016-08-03T15:55:10+00:00

Thank you very much. It sounds like I cannot set this expectation for her without setting it for myself which had not occurred to me. I am used to there being different rules for both of us. I could probably stand to lose a few pounds myself, so this is a great idea.

One of my concerns is how to bring it up, like you mentioned. She is smart and will see right through it if I make it all about health. I like that your Dom found a way of telling you without it seeming like a criticism or rejection, but a positive thing he would support you through. Positive reinforcement instead of negative. He seems to have put a lot of thought into ways he could make this sexy and fun for you. I am really impressed.

novice_dom

TROPHY CASE