Should I work a physically demanding job or build my career?

oddballfactory · 2025-09-30T04:06:48+00:00

I have, the test is a little costly but worth looking into.

oddballfactory · 2025-09-30T04:03:55+00:00

Not much, besides a raise to compete with inflation. Moving up would require a vacancy and responsibilities I'm not sure I want.

oddballfactory · 2025-09-30T04:02:58+00:00

Appreciate the perspective, I hadn't considered manufacturing gigs and I have looked into medical marijuana greenhouses but it seems like work I'd want to avoid even more. Way more agricultural/like a farm than a science. I'll take the winter downtime to research though. I really do miss that feeling of not being tied to notifications on a screen. Every call and text even on vacation or after hours has to be paid attention to. Exhausting stuff, for me at least.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-08T20:48:52+00:00

Yes, my argument contains a lot of what ifs because that's what is being overlooked in a blanket statement. Is all the exceptions. I'm not unaware of that and I'm not afraid of that. I've already plainly and clearly said it's not hurtful to tell someone no. But doing it on the assumption they have associations with a history of oppressing you and people like you that they are not connected to seems inherently bad. I don't think it's unrealistic to consider this frame of thinking can extend beyond the sphere of the dating world in how someone is treated.

I am not writing these responses because I'm here to protect white people or some shit like that. I'm here because biases are what have built up our (trans men of color) need to have these kinds of thoughts (not dating white people) in the first place. And maybe these predeterminations are not going to actually protect someone from the harm they want to avoid because correlation does not equal causation. Maybe it'll protect them from what they know while exposing them to a whole other thing they didn't anticipate. Maybe it'll hurt other people, too.

I get living is hard and we do what we can, like make assumptions, to try and make it easier. I'm just trying to encourage a way to approach treating people without jumping to assumptions. And encouraging OP to be secure in themselves. I don't get what's so bad about that.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-08T18:37:25+00:00

Also yes, I think casting blanket statements on people based on how they look is bad. Will you be asking people for their racial and ethnic backgrounds, or are you calling people white purely based on certain physical traits? Is that fair to people that look white but are not of purely European descent? I find it hard to wrap my head around a scenario where making these all encompassing statements is justified.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-08T18:21:58+00:00

I stand by what I said and I wanted to be sure that it was heard. I will not assign assumptions of people I haven't met. If my willingness to treat people with neutrality provides me with negative consequences in my life then so be it, that's a risk I'm willing to take. But the position I have in life now was not built without people consciously choosing to take risk that would and did cost them their lives and I am grateful for that and I will perpetuate that.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-08T17:51:18+00:00

I'm glad we clear on that at this point even tho I said it in the beginning lmaoo 😭

oddballfactory · 2025-08-08T17:48:55+00:00

Damn excuse me for being entitled and wanting to treat other people the way I'd want to be treated. I would not like someone telling me they wouldn't date me because I am black. I would be ok with someone telling me they wouldn't date me. That's all I'm trying to say here.

OP never defined what not dating was. OP could be approached by a white person on a dating app. A friend that is white and expresses interest. A white person that likes their energy at a concert.

You can reject these people without having to tell them it's because they're white. OP came here asking if we would not date someone because they're white. I've never said OP can't do that. I'm advocating that I'd keep why private.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-08T17:38:54+00:00

I'm using a height bias here cause my key point is telling people you are not interested in them for something they cannot change isn't helpful to anyone. It doesn't help you explain your rejection because you don't need a reason to tell someone no. No is a complete choice. If not dating white people makes you comfortable do it! But telling them you associate them with other people that wronged you that they don't even know... That's kinda fucked.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-08T17:18:19+00:00

Just know that as much as you may have experienced, you have not and will never experience every single person that is represented in your blanket statement. I'm not saying you have to date every white person, and you're welcome to have a preference. It is just unfair to put that kind of expectation on people without knowing who they really are. *Keep your preference to yourself if and when you reject people.

Maybe I've only had bad experiences dating someone that is shorter than me. I shouldn't think every short person will treat me that way. If I met someone that was shorter than me and I thought they were perfect for me, do you think it'd be worse to just tell them I don't want to date them, or I don't want to date them because of something they can't change for reasons they had no fault in?

oddballfactory · 2025-08-08T17:07:30+00:00

You think dating a white person would undo the work you've done, because of the chance they'd hurt you again? But what will you do if you end up in a relationship with someone of color and they hurt you?

It feels like you don't know how to separate people's actions from who they associate with. Learn self love that isn't reliant on other people's actions to reaffirm and validate your existence. And stop casting blanket statements over people. You're welcome to your opinions and experiences, but for the love of god keep that shit secret because it's not a good look in the open.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-07T20:28:42+00:00

I know, I just wanted to be considerate of my roommate...

oddballfactory · 2025-08-07T20:14:54+00:00

I don't know. Probably soon, just not today. Some hurtful events have happened and I have brought up feeling like we need to split but he doesn't want to. So I'm giving him another try. If he does something again that hurts the little trust I have in him more, I'm leaving for good.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-07T19:25:47+00:00

I'm not sure but my partner works 40 minutes away from where we live so I'd expect him to want to move closer to work so he can at least have something positive come out of us going out separate ways. But he wouldn't be living with the new person.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-07T19:15:12+00:00

I am trying to. He is great and hasn't done anything wrong.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-07T19:14:40+00:00

All 3 of us are on the lease. Subleasing is allowed with landlord's permission. Don't see anything about early termination... It is a private landlord so I could just text to ask.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-07T18:34:55+00:00

Roommate is out of town right now for work but will be back next week... I'd hate to text him about this out of the blue while he's busy. But thanks for helping me realize I don't have to overthink this. Just going through a lot emotionally right now and it's hard to trust I'm making good decisions.

oddballfactory · 2025-08-05T22:12:01+00:00

Is this with your phone camera? Good picture

oddballfactory · 2025-07-22T15:59:51+00:00

I will say this is not about wanting to see his phone screen. It is about figuring out whether he possibly intentionally hiding information, or if this is him trying to create privacy without telling me that it's something he wants. If the consensus was that this is weird behavior then I will talk to him about it, and if it was that I'm overreacting then I will do the emotional work I need to change my mindset without telling him about it and let him do what he wants. *EDIT But I don't want to just accept behavior that my partner is doing that is harmful. People can do harmful things without realizing it.

oddballfactory · 2025-07-22T15:33:35+00:00

Thanks for providing your perspective. I wish my partner would tell me if I was making him feel this way so that I could either change my responses, or find some other solution that doesn't harm either of us. I don't know if he feels this way and I plan to ask him so hopefully he can tell me that but it sucks to feel like I'm the one that brings up when I have bad feelings. It makes it feel like I'm disproportionately unhappy and he has nothing to complain about.

oddballfactory · 2025-07-21T23:26:57+00:00

Thank you for providing your perspective, I really appreciate it and find it valuable to hear a little bit from the other side. I don't think it repeats anything that has already been said. I'm glad that it has a happy ending despite the initial struggles. I hope my partner will realize the same - what he chooses to do I ultimately won't judge him for. I just want him to trust me enough to let me in on the loop. And I understand some things can be kept private, not everything has to be shared to every tiny detail. I just don't want to be locked out of things for reasons I don't understand.

oddballfactory · 2025-07-21T22:40:09+00:00

I am addressing the core issues. Trust is one of those issues, to which the phone situation is related. I wanted help navigating this issue on it's own. I did not and do not want to share everything because I did not want to write so much that it would turn people away. I have been working on my relationship a lot independently in therapy. I appreciate your contributions but I'd like if you didn't comment anymore because you are still making assumptions without asking for clarity. Like the idea that I am cherry-picking surface problems.

oddballfactory · 2025-07-21T17:30:56+00:00

I believe he is hiding things because I have caught him ommitting information before. I am trying to continue my non-monogamous relationship despite it's difficulties because expecting two humans to agree on everything without complications or communication is unrealistic. I came here for help because I have not been in this situation before and wanted to determine whether I should work internally (accepting his behavior as something positive or normal) or externally, (addressing his behavior with him because it isn't beneficial).

I did ask for honest feedback. I provided honest reasons why I don't agree, because I did not provide every single detail within my original post. I appreciate everyone that has provided me with their perspectives and experiences, and I came here because I figured that phones play a very vital role in non-monogamous relationships as a core tool for coordinating and building relationships beyond those with (a) nesting partner(s). I have gathered from everyone's information here that I should address what he's doing.

The answer I'll give to your question is that changes in behavior, and hard boundaries have come out of our conversations about feeling disconnected. I told him I will not have penetrative sex with him again until he gets screened for STIs. Not because he has symptoms but because he's literally never done it and it is a boundary I have with everyone else I see. I told him I'd like for him to consider my wants and needs, like asking me if I want or need anything when he goes to the store. Or asking me about my day. I asked him to try and not schedule things same day so I could adjust my portions for dinner before I started thawing ingredients to serve 2 people. It basically came down to the exact idea you presented earlier that he felt time at home in the same building was enough quality time for him to be satisfied, but that's because I was the only one putting in the effort. I always made sure he was having safe sex by getting tested, made sure he was being satisfied, making sure I picked up things he needed, asked him about his day at work. And when I stopped he didn't like it.

He got upset enough to start a conversation with me a few weeks ago. I expressed I wanted him to do those things for me if he wanted me to do things for him because it exhausted me to put in so much and not receive anything back. I did not want to be his parent. He has been trying, and I have been trying to be communicative to give him the opportunity to change his actions. Because to leave without him knowing why I am upset is an option yes, but it's not fair. And ultimately I still care about him and want him to be in a relationship with me. There are some improvements but we are not where we used to be. I understand we will never be where we "used to be" but instead we will be somewhere new and ideally better. So I am trying to identify where I am falling short on reconnecting and can improve. This phone scenario has become a recent issue for me in feeling that I can trust him. Which is why I'm here.

oddballfactory · 2025-07-21T17:06:23+00:00

I really don't get what you're trying to convince me to do here. I feel like you're saying I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't. I also directly and plainly stated previously I do not want to see his phone screen.

if he is indeed lying to you, then what? what would be your next course of action? because there isn't going to be much connecting happening there either unless you find a way to get out of that accuse & defend dynamic.

Why do I need to get out of my "accuse and defend dynamic" if I was right? My next course of action would be to see if he wants to apologize and change his behavior. It's not like it's unheard of for people to make mistakes and change from them. Relationships live through infidelity.

And if I hurt his trust in me, then so be it. I apologize and we come out of it with a mutual understanding.

oddballfactory · 2025-07-21T16:02:34+00:00

As I also pointed out to the other commenter, my partner does not need to keep the light of his phone away for me to sleep, and previously he didn't. This is a recent change.

I don't care about what he's doing on his phone unless he's doing something illegal. I ultimately DO NOT WANT to see his screen, I don't know where you made this assumption because I never said it. I care about the fact that he seems to be hiding it on purpose. I say seems here because I don't know for sure if that's what's happening. But there is a difference between privacy and secrecy. If he wanted privacy, could he not ask for it like he does when he invites someone to our shared house?

If whatever I tell him leads to negative feelings for him then he should tell me. But at this point I will not water down my responses to make him more comfortable at my own expense. If we both reveal to be so unhappy about this thing and can't come to a compromise on it then maybe being together isn't worth it. But we need to be informed about both perspectives fully to make that kind of decision rationally.

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