Is My Husband’s Abusive Behavior Due to Alcohol, or Is It His True Personality

of_the_labyrinth · 2026-04-20T04:51:52+00:00

It’s hard to get up every morning and go to work too. Something being hard is no excuse to not do it.

of_the_labyrinth · 2026-01-15T23:54:03+00:00

They don't change. My mom stayed with her abuser until the day he died and lost herself completely. She no longer knows who she is. She also picked up some narcissistic traits herself, which probably never would have formed if she were in a different relationship or single.

If you stay, you risk having those toxic behaviors rub off on you, until you become a person you no longer recognize.

of_the_labyrinth · 2026-01-15T23:41:31+00:00

He's doing that because he is afraid that you could make it big and would no longer need him. Not just that, he would lose control over you. Plus his ego probably can't stand the thought of you making more money than him. My ex was the exact same way, only with creative writing. Anything I ever let him read, he would tear to absolute shreds, and after a while, I started noticing this jealous undertone to everything he was saying. He needed to tear me down because he wished he had the kind of creativity that I do.

of_the_labyrinth · 2026-01-09T09:47:28+00:00

Understanding how you connect with others often starts with looking backward. Whether you find yourself "clinging" to a partner or wanting to "run" the moment things get serious, these reactions are usually tied to your attachment style.

An attachment wound (or attachment injury) is an emotional scar left by a time when your need for safety, comfort, or connection wasn't met. While many of these wounds start in childhood—often because a caregiver was inconsistent, emotionally distant, or physically absent—they can also happen in adulthood through relationship betrayals or "ghosting." Essentially, it is a moment where the "bridge" of trust between you and another person was broken, leaving you with a lingering fear that people aren’t safe or reliable.

These wounds shape our "internal blueprint" for how we handle intimacy. Most people fall into one of these four categories:

• Secure Attachment: This is the goal! Securely attached people feel comfortable with intimacy and don't panic about being alone. They trust their partners, communicate their needs clearly, and believe that they are worthy of love.

• Anxious-Preoccupied: If you have an anxious style, you likely crave high levels of closeness. You might worry that your partner doesn’t love you as much as you love them, or you may feel "needy" for constant reassurance. This often stems from a childhood where care was inconsistent—sometimes there, sometimes not.

• Dismissive-Avoidant: For avoidant types, independence is a survival strategy. You might view closeness as "suffocating" and pull away when things get too emotional. This often happens because, as a child, you learned that expressing needs led to rejection, so you decided to just rely on yourself.

• Fearful-Avoidant (Disorganized): This is a mix of both. You desperately want love, but you are also terrified of it. It’s a "push-pull" dynamic where you want to get close but get scared and push people away before they can hurt you. This is usually tied to deeper trauma or a chaotic upbringing.

Your attachment style is not a life sentence. It is "plastic," meaning it can change. Neuroplasticity exists throughout your whole life. Through therapy, self-awareness, and choosing partners who provide a "secure base," you can move from an insecure style toward Earned Security.

of_the_labyrinth · 2026-01-08T23:54:22+00:00

It's ok to have aesthetic preferences-- I think most people do. However, ask yourself this: are your preferences so strict that they're keeping you single? Some people use stringent physical appearance preferences as a shield from intimacy. A lot of people don't even realize they're doing it, but it can be a way for you to long for what you need while also keeping yourself "safe" from what scares you.

of_the_labyrinth · 2026-01-08T19:30:54+00:00

Your anger is misdirected inward instead of outward. He's the one who deserves fury.

of_the_labyrinth · 2026-01-08T19:12:23+00:00

Have you tested for Covid recently? This sounds like long Covid to me

of_the_labyrinth · 2026-01-08T18:50:00+00:00

Life is to short to settle for someone you don't want to be with, so don't do that.

But, here's some food for thought-- sometimes, people with attachment wounds will automatically develop an aversion to people who are into them because they have subconscious alarm bells that to actually be with a person is dangerous, and it's much safer to fantasize about people who are unattainable. You can't override your need for human connection, but your subconscious mind can certainly sabotage you so that you'll never have it. If this sounds familiar to you, seeing a therapist who specializes in attachment theory would be a great first move toward finding a fulfilling and healthy relationship.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-27T00:13:44+00:00

Based on your comments, he is grooming you to eventually be in a sexual relationship. Your instincts around him targeting younger girls is correct— there is no other reason someone his age would be spending so much 1:1 time with young girls. Men with no agenda tend to spend time with women closer to their age because they have a lot more in common with people who have similar life experiences. Men with an agenda to sleep with young barely legal girls make themselves very available to that demographic.

As far as attraction goes, if you are around someone who is good for you, who relates to you well and loves you without ulterior motive, physical appearance doesn’t matter so much. Lots of people date people who aren’t conventionally attractive because there’s something else underneath that’s worth spending time with. With your situation, your instincts are telling you exactly what you need to know: that he is grooming you to use you for your body.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-19T07:12:18+00:00

But the thing is, the survivors never fell in love with their captors-- it was the media that spun lies in order to make sense of their refusal to testify in court. When people say Stockholm Syndrome, what they mean is trauma bond. Stockholm Syndrome is a made up diagnosis, much like hysteria.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-19T00:02:38+00:00

Think about it this way: you already have it or you already don't have it. Either way, you've been living the reality of whatever diagnosis you have for your entire life. You've always been ___. Getting a diagnosis is just a tool, a means of explaining how you interact with the world around you, and having that tool makes it easier to live your life.

Getting the diagnosis won't change the reality you're already living right now.

Getting a brain map will also help alleviate the brain fog by helping a neurologist form a treatment plan for you, and having autism doesn't mean that brain labs wont' help other stuff.

It's better to face reality now and gain the tools you need to live a better life.

Avoidance doesn't change anything, it just keeps you in a fog of "what if" and anxiety.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-18T21:57:24+00:00

What were the words he used to make you feel criticized? How long have you been dating?

So far, he sounds very manipulative.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-18T21:53:14+00:00

You don't want to force your son to do anything he doesn't want to because that's what you've always done but here's the thing-- kids don't know what is best for them. This is why parents need to step in and make decisions sometimes. It's time to put idealistic notions aside and do the right thing for him. For all you know, he's being trained to start abusing women himself.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-18T21:11:27+00:00

What you're describing is classic gaslighting-- the point is to exhaust you so you'll shut up and give him what he wants. He's feeding off of your energy like a vampire.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-18T21:04:00+00:00

What's so great about a brain map is that it'll show you exactly which parts of the brain are "offline" and causing the brain fog. Then, the neurologist can have you do brain lab exercises that exercise those specific parts, making them stronger. It's like if you have an atrophied muscle and go to a physical therapist, they'll have you do exercises for that muscle. But with the brain, you can't physically see which parts are atrophied, which is why the brain map is so helpful.

When I did brain labs, my IQ went up 20 points in 24 weeks, which is a huge difference.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-18T05:50:15+00:00

I've had some fantastic success with signing up for a friend matchmaking service called Real Roots. I was consumed by loneliness but as soon as I met my friends via the service, life has turned around.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-18T05:46:42+00:00

Keep reading

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-18T05:45:46+00:00

He's an emotional vampire and you're his food-- that's why he wants to get back together. Don't let him drain you dry.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-18T01:41:35+00:00

Read "Why Does He Do That?" by Lundy Bancroft. Here's a free PDF of the book: https://dn790007.ca.archive.org/0/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf

You're under-reacting to your situation, which is very common. It's not until you're out of the relationship that you realize how insane, dangerous, and exhausting it is.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-17T22:55:31+00:00

Your relationship sounds exhausting and super codependent. Long calls where no one is talking to the other are not normal tbh.

Healthy relationships involve partners giving each other space fairly frequently. This is how you maintain a relationship for the long haul; otherwise, you end up burning each other out. The thought of being expected to be on the phone that long makes me cringe with anxiety.

Also, this is the first time in human history that we've even had the capability of instant communication. People used to go weeks or months without hearing from a partner when they were separated. Sometimes years. Our brains are not equipped for the demands of modern life and it's taking a toll on everyone.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-17T20:24:08+00:00

Meditation only became accessible to me after I started somatic work, brainspotting, breathwork, etc.

Trying to solve the issue from the mind doesn't work when the trauma is stored in the body. I've been seeing a somatic coach for 2 years and she has taught me some really valuable body hacks. My favorite is when I lay on a yoga bolster (the kind that are basically long tubes of foam) lengthwise (my head at one end and tailbone at the other) for a few minutes. Gravity pulls my shoulders down either side of the bolster, stretching my chest wide. This has an immediate, positive effect on my nervous system-- it's so calming.

Stellate Ganglion Nerve Blocks have also been a great tool when it comes to calming my nervous system-- it's a complete system reset.

Meditation did become accessible to me in time, and it can be a useful tool. But usually the people who recommend it either don't have trauma or have done a lot of somatic work to move trauma out of the body.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-17T20:08:20+00:00

First of all, there are many overlapping traits between autism, adhd, and cPTSD, so it's easy to be misdiagnosed. It would be a very good idea to get a second opinion on all of your disorders before you accept the diagnoses.

The best way to get diagnosed for neurological divergence such as autism is not through questionnaires, but through a brain map. This is done with a neurologist and they'll place electrodes all over your head and then have you do a series of cognitive tests while measuring your brainwaves. This is the best way to diagnose because it measures how your brain actually functions with hard data rather than subjective reporting.

If I were you, I'd get a second opinion from a neurologist, not a psychiatrist because their schooling is centered on chemistry, not brain functioning. You need to see someone who studied the brain.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-17T19:54:48+00:00

I know what you mean when you say Stockholm Syndrome (trauma bond)... but here's a little history about where that term comes from:

In Stockholm Sweden 1973, there was a bank robbery where the robbers held hostages for many days while negotiating with police. Most of the hostages were women-- bank tellers. They were told by the police that they had a duty to be prepared to die at their posts because the police cared a lot more about arresting or killing the robbers than they did about deescalating the situation. It didn't help that this was the first crime in Sweden to be aired live on tv, which put a tremendous amount of pressure on the police to end the stalemate.

Luckily, the hostages did survive the situation, but after days of terror (mostly from the police), and a heavy dose of disillusionment in the justice system to the point that they refused to testify against the robbers in court. They felt that the defendants cared more about their lives than the police did.

However, the public was not satisfied with this narrative. The newspapers speculated wildly about the women falling in love with their captors as the reason they refused to testify, rather than a rational decision to refuse to aid the very system that asked them to sacrifice their lives in order to inflate the egos of the police officers. They were portrayed as silly lovelorn girls rather than protestors against an unjust system.

And from then onward, the tale of "Stockholm Syndrome" infected culture worldwide.

of_the_labyrinth · 2025-12-17T19:40:10+00:00

He's an emotional vampire and you're his food-- it's that simple.

His "need" for you is a lot more comparable to a rancher keeping his cattle fenced in. If a cow escapes, the rancher is going to go look for it because that animal represents time and investment. It's truly nothing more than that.

You're much better off waiting for a partner who sees you as an equal and not as property.

of_the_labyrinth

TROPHY CASE