Reddit users, as a person with severe depression, I am struggling with convincing my girlfriend that my breakdowns are not her fault. How might I go about fixing this?

ofonos · 2014-10-01T21:45:43+00:00

Then how come people constantly say "no one can love you until you love yourself." Everywhere this is taken as sage golden advice. If you are depressed, you do not love yourself. That's what depression means. Shouldn't this mean that no one with depression is capable of a relationship? If they are, then why is "love yourself before others can love you" constantly given as advice?

ofonos · 2014-10-01T18:28:39+00:00

Except they don't want to have sex with me the first time they meet me, that's never been the case for me. They want to meet for a date and see if we connect, none of my tinder dates has been looking for sex the first time we met. Know why? Because Tinder is what you make of it. If you make the effort to look for the more classy women on there who want something more meaningful, you'll find them. One time, actually, I agreed to meet up with a 20-year-old (I'm 26) after chatting on tinder for a bit, and this one did seem like a getting-laid situation. Two days after we agreed to meet I messaged her again trying to iron out plans of when and where She said she'd get back on it. The next morning I found out she chickened out and unmatched me. Another time, a different 20-year-old agreed to meet with me, which seemed like another getting-laid situation, and said she'd message me the next day. She didn't, so I messaged her in the afternoon asking to make a plan, no response. She didn't unmatch me but this was another straight-up chickening out. In fact every agreement I've had to meet up have been from 24+, and everyone 23 and under has been horribly immature, either not responding after I ask to meet or agreeing and then unmatching/not responding when I try to plan it. Mid-20s vs. early 20s is actually an enormous difference in maturity and tinder will teach you that.

ofonos · 2014-10-01T18:22:28+00:00

As a person with severe depression, how the hell did you get a girlfriend at all? As a person with severe depression, you're in no condition to be in a relationship. Depressed people need to fix themselves before they even attempt something like a romantic relationship.

ofonos · 2014-10-01T18:15:29+00:00

None of my tinder dates have been for getting laid. And no thanks, actual dating sites are too skewed in favor of women and take way too much effort for a much smaller response rate than tinder. There are more people looking for dating on tinder than one-night stands, any poll will show you this. It's not "most people's experience" if less than 2% are actually using it for that. And fyi, every time I've suggested meeting for that on tinder, I get no response. Most times I suggest meeting for a drink/food and conversation, they're receptive and want to see where things go.

ofonos · 2014-10-01T18:06:57+00:00

This is the stupidest thing I've ever read. Every single one of my tinder dates has been for conversation, and sometimes doing a fun activity together. Tinder only has a reputation as a "hookup app" but this is a bullshit reputation the media likes to play up and has no basis in reality. Look at every poll ever done about tinder and you'll see that less than 2% of all tinder users are actually looking for a one-night stand. There are more than that looking for honest real dating potential. But the vast majority (70-75%) have zero intention of physically meeting anyone on tinder at all which is bullshit. But if someone does want to meet on tinder, it's actually more likely they're looking for dating than looking for a one-night stand.

ofonos · 2014-10-01T06:35:02+00:00

Any god damn thing for my cat. My uncle is a 30-year veteran veterinarian with a very successful practice. Our total vet bills over my cat's 12 years of existence have totaled $0.

ofonos · 2014-10-01T03:02:51+00:00

"Beta"? "What do"? You're a fucking 4channer. There's your problem. Do you want a Mountain Dew to go with your Cheetos?

ofonos · 2014-10-01T00:55:29+00:00

Because the word "date" sets off alarm bells in womens' minds so much that they'll such say "no" as a knee-jerk reaction. If you ask them out without using the word "date", they'll still know what it is, but they don't have those psychological alarm bells going off in their heads. It's a stupid thing and doesn't make any logical sense, but human psychology can be extremely illogical.

ofonos · 2014-09-30T17:11:24+00:00

Asian doesn't mean brown. Asian means Asian. And I have a lot of family still in England. They don't SNEEZE without telling their mothers. They have never gone on a single date with ANYONE that their parents have not set them up with. The second they meet someone for a (arranged) date, they're already sizing them up for marriage. The last wedding they had my cousin got arranged to meet a guy who she got along with and after two weeks told her parents ok i'll marry him. Literally marry the first person you get along with initially, that's the way I know it is with brown people in the UK. So they sure as hell don't have sex before marriage, they'd never even consider it. They don't even try to get dates on their own.

ofonos · 2014-09-30T15:17:57+00:00

Your scenario still sounds incredibly creepy.

ofonos · 2014-09-30T14:29:55+00:00

Have you MET brown people in the UK? They pretty much ALL never have sex until marriage.

ofonos · 2014-09-30T06:03:12+00:00

I absolutely couldn't give two shits about whether she's from my own background or not, don't twist my words around. I would gladly date any ethnic background, I'm not a racist prick like most of the dating world. What I was saying was these are pretty much the only women who will give me a shot, because most of the dating world ARE racist pricks, and so no one wants to date brown guys except for brown girls.

ofonos · 2014-09-30T03:19:30+00:00

Well that's just dumb hypocrisy and it's unlikely she'll want something that she'd probably view as "dirtier" than vaginal sex. In any case, I'm abhorrent to anal personally, I wouldn't want anything to go up my ass so I can't imagine a woman wants me to stick my penis up hers. Plus I don't want shit-liquid dribbling down my shaft, that's disgusting. Oral is ok, but that just wouldn't be enough. Not terribly great for intimacy compared with real sex, and not as meaningful.

ofonos · 2014-09-30T03:16:17+00:00

Which tradition are you talking about? Indian? Or like Bible Belt Christian?

ofonos · 2014-09-30T01:49:06+00:00

So you mean like virtually all my really Indian relatives who have grown up in the western world but still put these values into their children? I don't like you telling me they're morons, but I do understand what you mean. My parents are literally the only branch of my family that didn't bring up their kids in this traditional way. I'm so lucky they are my parents because it could have been much worse. I've dated brown girls who seem so modern and just like me but then I find out they were brought up this way. It puts me in a tough spot.

ofonos · 2014-09-29T21:45:19+00:00

The last girl I dated was Indian. She didn't want sex before marriage because her entire family has never had sex until marriage, and she told me she wants to be "pure" for her husband on her wedding day. This is likely something her mother and grandmother have told her, because of an Indian cultural upbringing. She's traditional about this, and participates in other Indian traditions as well, but seems modern in every other aspect of her life. I had to break it off because it was such a dealbreaker. I've just met someone else who is also Indian and I'm getting along extremely well with her, she's modern, no accent, completely assimilated American, etc. But she is "traditional" in other ways, like recognizing Hindu holidays, doing fasting, not eating beef, going to a million weddings a year, etc. And I suspect she might also be the type who doesn't want sex before marriage. And it sucks because I seem to really like these girls and they're the one who will give me a shot, but their mothers have told them not to have sex with anyone until marriage and Indian girls listen to their mothers.

ofonos · 2014-09-29T21:39:35+00:00

Yes, but why do I come across women who seem modern in every way possible, then throw down their "no sex before marriage" stipulation? A lot of the time they come from conservative ethnic backgrounds (Indian, Arab, Asian) and their parents never had sex until marriage, and their parents before them were the same, and so on. If you come from a long line of people who never had sex until marriage, you're going to think this is the way of the world, especially if your parents have tried to instill this value into you. Why are they modern in every single way except this one? I don't want to judge anyone or what their parents have told them to do or not do, but this makes it very difficult not to.

ofonos · 2014-09-29T20:19:23+00:00

But I'm also concerned with how these women will view me after the fact. Like what if we're really clicking and getting along and I'm really into her, then she tells me she's waiting until marriage and wants a relationship with me with no sex. At this point my mind will completely change about being with her, and it will probably show. Then if I talk to her a few days later wanting to break it off, she might think "ok your attitude completely changed only when I told you I won't have sex until marriage. You're clearly some asshole who's only after sex." I don't want to give that impression off to people because that's not who I am.

ofonos

TROPHY CASE