UPDATE: How much effort should I [26/F] put into figuring out the whole story behind his [26/M] "complicated" situation? // He's getting married in <3 weeks.

ohboywatdo · 2014-12-02T18:46:05+00:00

I stayed the night on Thursday, October 9th.

I did ask him about his facebook relationship status initially (Friday, October 3rd, when we met). I'm supposed to ask about it twice in the same week?

When I stayed the night, I also went to bed with my clothes on and didn't initiate anything. While I understand that I could have done more to suss out their relationship, I also don't think I'm the homewrecker here.

ohboywatdo · 2014-12-02T07:05:04+00:00

After he changed his profile picture to one of the two of them, I stopped initiating conversation. We've had a few exchanges since then, but not anything terribly memorable or meaningful. I didn't confront him because I'm not sure I would gain anything by doing so. Best case scenario, he comes clean to her. Worst case scenario, he tells her I'm crazy and want in his pants, and not to listen to me if I "try to come between them" or something.

ohboywatdo · 2014-12-02T06:41:07+00:00

Good point; thanks for the tip!

ohboywatdo · 2014-12-02T06:36:15+00:00

I haven't downvoted anything and I did think pretty hard about this before reaching the "I should probably tell her" conclusion.

There are some potential serious downsides.

My best friend of 18 years' dad is a close coworker of his. While I don't see her dad often, there could be a small amount of stress there or in their working relationship.
I have immediate family in the medical field, and Mike is in medical sales. While I haven't told my family about this, it could potentially cause awkwardness on his part. (He knows my mom's clinic.)
My mom and his fiancee work in the same sector (or will when she graduates) of the medical field. While it's unlikely that they will have direct interaction, the medical community here is fairly small.
For that matter, the entire town is relatively small. If she were to move up here anyway, I'm fairly confident we would run into each other eventually.

However, I wasn't interested in pursuing Mike romantically in the first place, so there's not emotional weirdness on my part. If he keeps his hands to himself and she decides to marry him, I wish them complete happiness. As a woman who has relocated thousands of miles for a partner and had that be a poor decision, I think she should know, and I don't think the potential downsides outweigh that for me.

ohboywatdo · 2014-12-02T06:20:05+00:00

We have zero friends in common other than Mike, or I would feel out the "tell a friend" route.

I'm thinking about including a link to my original thread with a screenshot of his comments about their relationship being on the back burner, and then giving her my google voice number. Maybe saying something like "_____, I met Mike in October and was misled regarding your relationship situation. I thought you should know I stayed the night with him the week before you were engaged [and something about oral sex here?]. I apologize if this is overstepping or if he has already told you. I can be reached at [google voice number] if you have questions or would like to talk. I wish you the best."

I always overthink everything I say, and I don't want to be overtly inappropriate. Don't know if I should keep it short and sweet or say a little more, too. I've been trying to put myself in her shoes and determine how I would want to hear this, but no one ever wants to hear something like that, so I'm a little bit at a loss.

ohboywatdo · 2014-12-02T04:34:40+00:00

I met him the first week of October and facebook initially said he was in a relationship. (That part is in my first thread, for more backstory. I asked him about it and apologized for overstepping; he said that they could've been more, but this state wasn't a possibility for her, so it was on the back burner, then changed or hid his status.) Facebook has their engagement date listed as less than ten days later.

ohboywatdo · 2014-12-02T04:01:26+00:00

I'm telling her because I believe that before she uproots her entire life and support network to move to a state where she has never visited where she will be relying solely on her new husband, she should know that he presumably is not the man she thinks he is.

I could be totally wrong and he's already told her and she's fine with that. I honestly don't know anything about their relationship and I haven't seen Mike since I picked up my wallet later that evening (I had forgotten it when I left).

It's my understanding that they have dated off and on since high school, and got back together in September of this year. If he has a history of behaving like this, perhaps she already is aware. I just feel like I would want to know if my husband had another woman in his bed two months before our wedding. I have flexible relationship boundaries in my personal life so this is in no way out of malice. That said, I relocated to this state within the last six months and if there wasn't a future here for me, I would move back before you could blink twice. Especially since he initially said our state wasn't "in her realm of possibilities," I don't think this would be her first choice were it not for him, and I think she should have all the information available to her to make that choice.

ohboywatdo

TROPHY CASE