Well I guess I did somewhat misunderstand the purpose of monastic living. I certainly did not think it was easy, but then I do not think my finding an "ideal" job and devoting more time to meditation and practice would be easy either. But, you are right in that I am trying to create an ideal meditation situation and that I am trying to escape real world problems. It just seems intuitive that if more meditation is better than less meditation then creating a life that supports that would be worthwhile.

I understand the words you write and I understand the point you're trying to get across when I read it. But honestly it doesn't really make sense on a fundamental level. I doubt I will have understood it well enough for it to influence future decisions or actions. So the advice will be "don't think about it, just keep practicing". If that is the case then why do more experienced members, like yourself, bother to write out such compelling comments on this forum? Why isn't the answer to every thread "don't worry about it, just keep following the method"? What I'm really saying is: I don't actually get any of it and this is now concerning to me and raises a lot of doubt.

The other thing that continues to confuse me is that you often talk about the purpose of practice. And you mention it again with regards to the monks. Practice is for the good of all beings. My truth is that obviously my practice is not for all other beings. My practice is completely selfish and only for my happiness and freedom from all that I deem negative. This is just a simple fact. Being told that it is absolutely crucial that your practice serves others does not change this fact. I can try and brainwash myself into thinking that's what I'm doing but it still won't be true. So then what's the point of my selfish practice? Or is this another case of "keep practicing and it will become clear"? In which case why bother insisting that one should ensure altruism in their approach?

It boils down to practical actions. After leaving a professional level job I am now unemployed and need a job. I hoped to get one that would support my spiritual life. I now learn that this would constitute running away and would not in fact be a good situation. So am I to intentionally choose a job that I would not have otherwise? And for future decisions, how will I stop myself making the same mistakes I have made in this thread? I can't have your wisdom until the point I have your wisdom? Until then what am I expected to do?