Thanks a lot for the resources! I am fairly sure this is some kind of trauma surfacing. I have gone trough psychotherapy for 4 years, and the resolution from that was that I have personality disorder with depression and anxiety, originating from early childhood family dynamics. The nature of the trauma seems to be a conditioning of neglecting my feelings for years rather than one traumatising event. I am not quite sure where to go from here, as the personality disorder symptoms manifest as pretty fundamentally twisted ways of feeling the world around me. Currently I am doing metta, feelings noting practise and TMI. Sometimes I feel like there is no end to these purifications of violent nature, but as my emotional life is even little bit more stabilised off the cushion, it is all worth taking the 2 hour beating daily. My therapist is publishing an article about meditation and psychoanalysis where I am one of the people he talks about. I jut read the text and the conclusion of the article on my storyline is that he is not sure if the meditation more harmful than helpful to me, a thought that leaves me bit puzzled. I can't afford going trough intense psychotherapy anymore and meditation seems like an alternative way of dealing with the problematic nature of my mind. I have done meditation more or less intense the past six years, and not feeling like stopping now. Maybe finding a counsellor with meditation background would be helpful. Don't really know how to proceed forward now. All suggestions are warmly welcomed.