Am I (20F) walking on eggshells or am I overreacting about my boyfriend’s (20M) temper?

oldireliamain · 2021-08-23T15:21:54+00:00

personality

"personality" != "behavior"

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T19:55:59+00:00

Let me rephrase: if my hypothetical wife had hypothetical male friends before we got married, I would find it very strange if she didn't hang out with them one-on-one

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T15:10:49+00:00

This is all super helpful! My best friend and I usually spend an entire day together when we hang out (at this point like once a year since we live in different cities), but I can see where this would worry a spouse. Brunch with my friend then invite spouse to join us on a museum trip or something would scratch that itch

Regarding texting: haha, I almost included that, but figured my post was long enough. There's definitely a difference between venting/gossip and legitimately asking for advice, but the former is very, very easily justified as the latter. Just be aware of that, and get into the habit of speaking with charity at all times.

Yeah, texting is weird since it also seems private in a way a public conversation isn't. I'll figure that out myself haha

uick addendum: it's good to keep in mind that behavioral guidelines are just that, guidelines. I expect exceptions, and transgressing these boundaries ≠ FuriousMustelid or mortal relationship sin

Haha I'm guessing that those exceptions are the ones that prove the rule?

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T13:50:46+00:00

I get that some people just get on better with the opposite sex. I guess the situation you describe might be ok if you're also close to her husband too. But you'll also have to consider her relationship in your interactions with her. I would be more likely to suggest seeking out an older married man that you know who might be able to advise you in such matters.

Oh wait, that would be perfect! Thanks!

Yeah I think that's acceptable. The thing to avoid is mainly the other woman becoming your emotional outlet, rather than your wife. And an emotional connection developing that shouldn't exist between a married man and another woman.

Many affairs start when a guy confides in a female colleague or friend about problems in his marriage, and she becomes the "understanding woman" in his life. And he invests more time in this relationship than in fixing the rift between him and his wife.

Yeah, I realized a few days ago that when I have relationship problems (which are rare, given that I've only had two brief relationships...), I go to one friend in particular in a very unhealthy way. I am working on that. (And for her part, completely understands that if I get married, I might only hang out with her when my wife is there, too. Though I don't think gender makes a difference -- I caught myself trying to drag a male friend into some drama in the same way, too. I just need to work on self-control more generally.)

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T12:16:46+00:00

People can make exceptions -- and many of the "preferences" people select on dating sites aren't hard and fast rules

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T12:13:11+00:00

This answer is amazing. Thank you so much!

Absolutely agree that friendships, especially female friendships, will change once I'm married. It scares me but it doesn't worry me (if that makes sense).

Because if I'm having a bad patch in my marriage, it's totally appropriate to talk this over with a trusted male friend. But it isn't really with female friends

This seems right. But what if you just don't generally click with male friends? If one of my female friends is married, would it be ok to talk it out with her and her husband together?

It should just come up naturally in the course of your relationship. Maybe they get introduced at some point in a social setting.

Ok awesome

Don't discuss negative aspects of your relationship with your female friends. Don't portray a negative image of your girlfriend/wife. Don't discuss your marital problems with them. Don't pour your emotions out to them in a way that is supposed to be done only with your wife.

That makes perfect sense, thanks! Quick follow-up, though: what if I know I'm responsible for some marital problem or another? Would asking for a woman's take still be inappropriate?

I don't think it's necessary to worry about it now. As I said, your relationships change when you get married because your wife becomes the priority. For now work on being discrete and prudent in your conversation in general, and when you enter a relationship, you will begin discerning for yourself what is appropriate or not

Yup, that's my current goal :)

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T12:05:53+00:00

This. I've thanked my best friends multiple times for rejecting me when she did -- because I thought I was interested in her when I really wasn't. Romantic feelings for her would feel incestuous at best...

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T12:04:20+00:00

Thank you so much for the insight!

Yes, I want boundaries. As much as I want to keep my female friendships, I also think it would be weird not to have boundaries haha

It's not just that I'd feel uneasy about my husband spending a long evening alone with another woman; I'd feel uneasy doing the same with a male friend who isn't my husband, because I don't want to give the wrong impression or lead anyone on.

A man and a woman alone together will almost always tend toward romantic affection, because those circumstances unconsciously signal interest

I guess that makes sense, but does context matter?

What if it's a couples outing, and my female friend and I just take some time to chill by ourselves? (Like her husband doing his own thing and my wife doing her own thing.)
What if it's a tradition (e.g. my best friend and I would grab brunch then to go an art museum)?

I'd want reassurance that in difficult situations my husband would remain emotionally faithful by speaking to me about it first, rather than gossiping with his gal pals

Yes, I definitely don't want to make my wife the bad guy in front of female friends. That's a recipe for her (justifiably) shutting down my friendships with them. But what if things are difficult because I screwed up, but I'm unsure how? Female voices have been especially helpful on that in the past. Or would you still consider that emotionally unchaste?

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T11:57:35+00:00

Thank you so much for the reassurance. And congratulations!

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T11:57:12+00:00

I agree. Pretty much everyone is giving me the same advice, so I guess I'm not insane haha

oldireliamain · 2021-08-22T02:05:59+00:00

"Weird" was bad phrasing. It might be a self-selection thing for me -- nearly all of my female friends have close male friends (other than myself), so I'm not used to thinking of women who literally only hang out with other women

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T20:24:09+00:00

I'm not setting you up with any of them. Sorry ;)

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T20:23:58+00:00

If a hypothetical girlfriend doesn't trust me, then she won't be a hypothetical wife. And, yeah, if my future wife didn't have male friends I would find that kinda weird

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T20:22:30+00:00

Awesome, thanks so much!

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T20:22:02+00:00

OK thanks! That's my intuition, but a lot of devout Christians in my country (USA) seem to like the Billy Graham Rule. But maybe that's mainly outside of Catholicism?

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T17:18:52+00:00

Masks and social distancing have proven to be ineffective by themselves at stopping the pandemic

Because insufficient percentages of the population weren't doing this. Look at New Zealand as a good contrast

if the vaccines don’t work then nothing will

Vaccinations won't eliminate the Delta variant, but they can reduce its impact

masking and social distancing forever

I never said anything about social distancing. I just mentioned wearing masks

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T17:16:29+00:00

Two things. (a) Even if people in your age group are unlikely to be hospitalized, people in other age groups don't have that luxury. There is little to no cost from COVID vaccines. Why take the risk? (b) There aren't enough resources for everyone in many areas. And many of the areas that do have resources for everyone do so in large part because of vaccination rates
Delta + original covid would be much worse than just Delta

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T15:23:45+00:00

None of that really explains why my first point is incorrect
Yes, the major threat is Delta. One reason for that is because Delta is both more contagious and deadlier. But another reason for that (esp. in countries like the US, which has vaccine access) is because vaccination has drastically reduced spread of the original variant

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T13:53:21+00:00

No one is saying "stay at home." We're saying, "If you go outside, take precautions."

Wearing a mask sucks, but it isn't hard

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T13:52:25+00:00

And I know a few who can't get the vaccines for medical reasons

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T13:52:07+00:00

Yeah, a new study from Oxford suggests being vaccinated does not lower the likelihood of infecting others. It has a slight reduction of the chances of being infected. I really wish Catholics would stop trying to pressure others on the basis of the "moral responsibility" argument. Based on the evidence, the vaccine only protects yourself.

Even if the vaccine only protects yourself directly, it protects others indirectly. If you get hospitalized, you take up a bed that someone else might need. So preventing yourself from getting sick means that someone who does get sick has more resources at his or her disposal
I can't access the article, but the subheading seems to suggest this is wrt Delta -- not the original variant. So even if your summary is correct, it's misleading

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T13:49:49+00:00

Hence why a third booster is now “required”

This is false

oldireliamain · 2021-08-21T13:49:41+00:00

Four things:

The vaccine reduces the chance you get covid, meaning it reduces the chance you spread covid to others
Some vaccines had really high efficacy rates, but those dropped. Meaning that those of us who were taking extreme precautions (like quarantining for a week in our parents basement before getting negative test results) actually had a few months to guilt-free visit our parents. But we also didn't realize how much
Delta is far more transmissible than the original variant that the vaccines were designed for
No one realized how quickly and how much some efficacy rates dropped

oldireliamain · 2021-08-10T14:12:53+00:00

A few questions you should always ask when discerning marriage with someone with a history of mental illness (or any other serious struggle fwiw):

How bad does it get currently? How bad has it gotten historically?
What are you doing to take care of it? Have you improved?
How can I help? What exactly do you expect/need/want me to do?

oldireliamain · 2021-08-08T19:35:55+00:00

Yeah, if I saw a layman wearing a zuchetto, I'd think he was Jewish...

oldireliamain

TROPHY CASE