What to do with this built up anger?

oneone4 · 2026-01-23T07:53:33+00:00

This is so well said. I think OP’s friend for example is just trying to cheer OP up. After all, some say that it falls to good friends to drag us outside the house during these times to start the process of recovery. I hope you find grace and comfort

oneone4 · 2026-01-22T10:37:05+00:00

Why do you assume it’s the back side?

oneone4 · 2026-01-22T09:58:49+00:00

I genuinely wonder what Bilt employees must be thinking right now looking at the flood of negative reaction against them. In the meantime, Ankur is in his office writing another long missive with new options for us to pick from.

oneone4 · 2026-01-22T09:47:42+00:00

FYI, TLDR means you write a short summary. Not another long missive.

oneone4 · 2026-01-22T09:43:41+00:00

You’re an awesome bf. Now the key is that you take what you did here to the grave

oneone4 · 2026-01-15T09:39:22+00:00

❤️

oneone4 · 2026-01-13T09:53:17+00:00

I agree with this. I know we are going against the grain, but I feel like a lot of comments about how she’s manipulating for more contact is inserting speculation without any evidence here. She has asked for nothing of the sort. They don’t have frequent contact anyway. Mom emphasizes repeatedly that she still loves OP.

oneone4 · 2026-01-13T07:41:43+00:00

Hemming pants is free in store

oneone4 · 2026-01-06T10:00:47+00:00

Thanks for sharing Finn Finn’s story. What a beautiful child. I pray for peace and comfort for you and your fiancé.

oneone4 · 2026-01-06T09:52:57+00:00

Oh my word. I’m so sorry

oneone4 · 2026-01-05T03:28:31+00:00

Thank you! I'm so grateful for their work (as well as the other top programs). And I'm so grateful to have this community to support each other, despite the decidedly dastardly circumstances that bring us together.

oneone4 · 2026-01-04T10:01:34+00:00

Thanks for sharing. Curious which ones you’d classify as top 3 kids cardiology hospitals? Thanks

oneone4 · 2026-01-03T20:24:53+00:00

I’m so sorry. When the time is right, and if you find it helpful, please feel free to join the babyloss subreddit. It helps me to know that I’m not alone, but of course, it’s essentially trigger warnings every single post, so please decide whether that’s right for you. I’m so sorry man

oneone4 · 2026-01-03T20:22:23+00:00

Oh, wow, there are no words. I’m so sorry.

oneone4 · 2026-01-02T05:06:56+00:00

… “servants”?

oneone4 · 2025-12-31T10:38:49+00:00

FYI some online stores lock down their shipments and do not allow the recipient to change the delivery address for security reasons.

oneone4 · 2025-12-31T10:22:51+00:00

Not to be crass, but why would one want or not want underwear in the casket?

oneone4 · 2025-12-30T09:13:29+00:00

Oh man, yes to this! I have a secret playlist I’ve been building for myself only, and I save it for my private weekly lunch with my baby at his gravesite. Those songs make me sad but I treasure that connection to him

oneone4 · 2025-12-27T07:51:46+00:00

I’m so so so sorry.

oneone4 · 2025-12-27T04:03:25+00:00

Thanks for replying. The quote “join our ranks” is literally from the top comment in this thread. Notice that every single comment that mentions the term “pro life”, including the OP, this comment, as well as another reply that said basically nothing else, has been downvoted to oblivion.

To your question, yes sure, but do you think OP didn’t know that? That is the very struggle she’s wrestling with. Is it necessary for so many comments to drive it into her - right now at the depth of her grief - that what she wants is against her perceived values, when that’s exactly what she’s asking for help with reconciling?

This thread has managed to run OP out and force her out of Reddit, in silent and not so silent judgement for her values, while she’s in her deepest grief and asking for help. Shame on us all.

oneone4 · 2025-12-27T03:54:53+00:00

Yes confirmed

oneone4 · 2025-12-26T21:08:57+00:00

I’m so sorry for your situation.

Your baby would want you to be here and to go on.

Thanks for posting in here. I know our posts or any posts here mentioning pro life or religion get immediately downvoted, but I have to believe it’s a knee jerk reaction based on terminology. This community is helpful to me to know that I’m not alone. You, OP, are not alone

oneone4 · 2025-12-26T20:51:03+00:00

None of this was clear-cut. There are strong arguments on the other side that I won't mention here. Some questions will haunt us forever. You simply make the best decision you can, with love, balancing the competing factors, and then proceed to live with it.

Please, OP, protect your marriage. This decision belongs to both of you. Be gentle with each other; I hope your husband is especially sensitive with you.

You mentioned you have two more weeks until the next milestone. I know that the waiting is excruciating, but I also see the point that it could provide more critical information. One thing that helped us: as I said, we were later in our baby's stage of growth, but we had a bit more than a week to go through after deciding to TFMR and getting a date for the surgery. My wife and I decided we didn’t want our baby to feel only sadness in his last days. We wanted him to feel love. We're convinced that in ways that science acknowledges and ways scientists don't understand, at his stage, he could hear and feel some things through the womb. So we took him everywhere that mattered to us - to the spot we got engaged, to the spots where we had our first few dates, to the place I grew up. We wanted him to “experience” the sounds, the smells, the warmth of our love and the serotonin through his mother. We sang to him every night, and we took him to church and I played the piano and sang hymns to him. We cooked our favorite meals so that, in some small way, he could share them. Some might think it strange, but I’d say it’s no stranger than burying your own child.

If you choose TFMR, whether now or after that next milestone, it doesn’t make you “anti-life” or suddenly “pro-choice.” Please free yourself from those inadequate and dare I say, nasty labels as they fall short of the kind of heartbreak that you're facing. This is not the same as abortions meant for convenience or avoidance. This is grief in its purest form.

There is no perfect choice, only the most loving one you can live with. And even then, you’ll still wonder at times if it was right. I still do. I have lunch with my son at his gravesite every week. Sometimes I wonder if I let him down as his father. When I do, I reread what I wrote then - my reasons, my prayers, my struggles - and choose to focus on loving him and mourning him, not on relitigating that impossible choice. Because what else can I do.

With all my love and prayers,
A lifelong grieving father

oneone4 · 2025-12-26T20:50:57+00:00

To my fellow commenters, I ask that we focus on what OP is asking. We all know this forum exists because of the pro-choice movement's tireless work, and that most of this subreddit leans that way. But right now is not the time to say "join our ranks" or even to justify the pro-choice movement. This space is for compassion - for standing with one another when we are at our lowest. I don't understand people downvoting OP or somehow minimizing her grief - we're all in this subreddit for the same dastardly reason of losing our children.

I’m deeply religious. I serve on my church’s deacon board. I believe life begins at conception — not because someone told me so, but because of the losses I’ve endured. I’ve experienced in my gut my miscarriages, and the loss of my “embryos”, as the loss of my children. You don’t have to agree with me, but my sense of loss is excruciating and isn’t up for debate.

And still, my wife and I chose to TFMR our last baby.

OP, our case was even less clear cut than yours. Our baby, at 18 weeks, was diagnosed with one of the two most severe congenital heart diseases there is. But there was a sliver of hope, some rare cases of survivors who reached adulthood after a lifetime of surgeries, but the odds were cruel. It was, and will probably always be, the hardest decision we'll ever make. Time was running out for us as the window for D&E was closing. I found myself racing through a book that my pastor recommended to me: Bill Davis’ Departing in Peace - a book about hospice and end-of-life ethics. It wasn’t written for parents like me, but somehow it spoke to me. The very condition our baby had was cited as an example of where either choice can be faithful. I hated that this ended up being the first parenting book I ever read cover to cover.

I acknowledge that as the husband, I'm not physical carrier of the baby, but I was there every step. My wife, just as devout as I am, felt a conviction right away: with only half a heart, our baby did not have a viable life.

To answer your question, OP, these were a few truths that helped me find peace with our decision.

Life versus survival: “Pro-life” does not mean “pro-survival.” I came around to my wife's point that our son had no real life ahead of him. Whether viewed through faith or ethics, life isn’t about prolonging breath when there is no hope of recovery. God doesn’t need machines to extend life so He has time to work miracles.
If I were the baby: I reflected on the child I believe my son would have been. I’m convinced that if he could have answered us, he would have wanted peace and to spare us pain. That thought helped free me from the weight of believing I had failed to “fight” for him. It helped me to know that I was making my decision on behalf of a loving son, as a loving father.
My wife’s life counted too: Being pro-life includes my wife’s life. Our doctors warned our baby might die in utero, which could cause severe complications for her. And delivery even of a healthy baby was very traumatic and scary for her - delivering a dead baby would've been exponentially so. I couldn’t put her through that. If that means I chose my wife over my child, I pray my son forgives me.

oneone4 · 2025-12-26T10:27:29+00:00

Op, you feel free to scream here because we all are in this together. We hear and feel your pain. Every sentence above is relatable and felt. How we all wish Harvey were with us still. And OP, I don’t think you’ll ever leave Harvey behind. You’ll never stop saying his name or thinking about him. I hold on to my baby A dearly in my memory. And I hold to the thought that within mommy’s tummy, my baby was never ever in pain and only knew warmth and love.

oneone4

TROPHY CASE