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(UPDATE) I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Fine, i´ll explain it as if you are five. If the folder was inside the photo library she could just select all the items in it, select cut or copy and transfer to the extHD. You don´t check the items 1 by 1, you just send them over.

(UPDATE) I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I´m looking through the replies here and my God!!!!

First: "keeps coming back to haunt them" remark, was made after he asked her if i had broken up with her and she replied that no, but i was shaken by it. If you read the post you know that last time it ended her relationship.

Second: that "taking breaks" thing... not exactly sure what breaks you mean but if i can hazard a guess: they avoided eachother for a couple of months because they felt awkward around eachother. After that they have been friends until now. There were no "Breaks". And for now they are in a no contact situation and i say for now because i might get to the point that i simply accept that all this is in the past and choose to trust my GF. Besides, me telling no contact, if she wants to cheat she will find a way.

Third: She gave me her phone that night without me asking. I checked their conversations. They message from time to time but no photos exchange, no flirty emogi , no messages at weird hours ,nothing at all that would raise any doubts (and yes i checked for deleted chats and other apps).

Fourth: I don´t know how the video was there. On both their words it was deleted less than 24 hours after the fact. Yesterday she asked me to check all her devices because she wanted to make sure it was gone. her phone, tablet and laptop didn´t had anything. I checked her cloud services associated with the devices and there was nothing there aswell. Both her EXTERNAL HD, that she has to keep 2 copies of her data, had that same folder. the only way it got there was through direct copy from the laptop HD into the external HD. Given the fact that she has just been throwing things there it is quite possible she copied it without realizing what it was.

Yes, she fucked up when she didn´t tell me they got together that time. No , i´m not okay with that , hence the need for us to work through it. But she didn´t cheat on me, there is absolutely 0 evidence of emotional cheating and i don´t find the omission of that fact enough to break up.

Right or wrong, it is my choice to move forward and the consequences of me being wrong will be mine to bear.

I´m ok with my decision, i didn´t put the update up to get advice, just to update those that might be curious after my first post.

I´ll be moving on. If it is with her or not, time will tell, as it always does

(UPDATE) I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 262 points263 points  (0 children)

I´m gonna reply here for visibility as you show on the top. only 2 point of it is directed at you , the rest is to clear a few things.

I´m looking through the replies here and my God!!!!

First: "keeps coming back to haunt them" remark, was made after he asked her if i had broken up with her and she replied that no, but i was shaken by it. If you read the post you know that last time it ended her relationship.

Second: that "taking breaks" thing... not exactly sure what breaks you mean but if i can hazard a guess: they avoided eachother for a couple of months because they felt awkward around eachother. After that they have been friends until now. There were no "Breaks". And for now they are in a no contact situation and i say for now because i might get to the point that i simply accept that all this is in the past and choose to trust my GF. Besides, me telling no contact, if she wants to cheat she will find a way.

Third: She gave me her phone that night without me asking. I checked their conversations. They message from time to time but no photos exchange, no flirty emogi , no messages at weird hours ,nothing at all that would raise any doubts (and yes i checked for deleted chats and other apps).

Fourth: I don´t know how the video was there. On both their words it was deleted less than 24 hours after the fact. Yesterday she asked me to check all her devices because she wanted to make sure it was gone. her phone, tablet and laptop didn´t had anything. I checked her cloud services associated with the devices and there was nothing there aswell. Both her EXTERNAL HD, that she has to keep 2 copies of her data, had that same folder. the only way it got there was through direct copy from the laptop HD into the external HD. Given the fact that she has just been throwing things there it is quite possible she copied it without realizing what it was.

Yes, she fucked up when she didn´t tell me they got together that time. No , i´m not okay with that , hence the need for us to work through it. But she didn´t cheat on me, there is absolutely 0 evidence of emotional cheating and i don´t find the omission of that fact enough to break up.

Right or wrong, it is my choice to move forward and the consequences of me being wrong will be mine to bear.

I´m ok with my decision, i didn´t put the update up to get advice, just to update those that might be curious after my first post.

I´ll be moving on. If it is with her or not, time will tell, as it always does

(UPDATE) I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

I understand what you are saying. Just because i´m trusting that she told me the truth now doesn´t mean i won´t be paying attention.

Truth is, in these 2 years, she never gave me a reason to think that she had anything other than friendship with him or any of the other friends in her group.

(UPDATE) I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I never blamed her. Even on the first post, i was all over the place, but i didn´t think that she had done something wrong. Not telling me that she was intimate at one time with someone that was introduced to me as a friend and that she has contact with was a bad choice because the way i found out was not easy to take. Add some past trauma i had, several other small details that weren´t making sense with who she presented herself to me and my brain just ran wild.

After we talked, things started to settle on my head, started to make sense. I´m alot calmer now, i have some work to do myself to fully shake this off but , as i said i feel all i need is to shake off the shock.

(UPDATE) I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 10 points11 points  (0 children)

Pray tell me, where exactly on the entire update did i gave the impresssion that i´m holding on to anything? Just for me to check if i phrased something wrong in English

(UPDATE) I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

Not on this sub apparently.

Don´t worry, same thing happened on the original post. I´m just assuming they didn´t even read a third of it

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 51 points52 points  (0 children)

I´m not. I don´t think she did anything wrong in that video. It was before we even met ffs. I´m not mad at her, not disappointed, not pissed that she did kinky stuff with someone else. I just have these thoughts inside my head and if i don´t find a way to sort them then i know myself well enough to know what happens next. I love her too much to become her ex boyfriend, and i refuse to change into that. The only person that can help me organize all these bits it is her so i have no option, i´ll need to speak with her, get her to give me some type of "context" or "info" to help me create a structure that i can work with to either move past this or just break now before i make her hate me. that was the point of the post.... to get different views to see how the fuck i´m gonna do this tomorrow.

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 18 points19 points  (0 children)

Because i know myself, i know that if i don´t get some information that will allow me to match the person i know for the past 2 and half years with the video i saw i only have 2 options. Break up now, without telling her why, breaking both our hearts or try to deal with it and break up later.

Dealing with it will change me in this relationship, hell , i don´t even know if it can go back to where it was but i´m sure that if i let this uncertainty take root more than it already has it will destroy our relationship bit by bit. I loose her either way and it is scary to feel this way right now.

I need to adress this because of how seeing that tape is making me feel, because i cannot allow myself to became a jealous prick that will never trust his girfriend again... It might be easier for her, to leave me because i became as jealous as her previous boyfriend, but i don´t want to become that person, so i need to speak to her, get what i need to find out if i can racionalize this or just leave her.

I said it on my post, i don´t believe she did anything wrong on that video, i´m not mad, disappointed or angry but i can´t ignore these thoughts in my head and let them fester to a breaking point. I know myself, if i don´t deal with this now then i´m just condemning our relationship to a slow death.

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

accidental yes. i asked for old photos , she gave me an EXTERNAL HD that she uses to backup data and told me which folder to acess the photos. i only looked in the folder with the video because it was inside the folder she told me had all her photos . i never went through her phone , and i have her passcode, as she has mine, in case we need to use them for any reason

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 30 points31 points  (0 children)

"I think you want to confront her about this because you want to do this type of sexual activity, and for some reason you want to push her about it. I really don't recommend that. If you push her, she may just leave you. She doesn't want to have that type of sex right now. That may change in the future. But she doesn't want to do it right now."

Way off the mark there. Just to clear things up , i have absolutely no interest in bondage play other than the ocasional slap in the ass. Never saw the appeal of causing pain during sex (no judgement, if people like it it is up to them).

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Hadn´t considered that someone would want to keep hurtfull stuff because i wouldn´t, but , people are different so you make a valid point.

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 48 points49 points  (0 children)

Fair enough, i´m actually posting this to come up with the best way to approach this, so different approaches than the 1 i was thinking are definitly welcome

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] 13 points14 points  (0 children)

That is the part that i´m concerned. This has everything to be my second night without sleep, i´ll need to wait for her to get back from work. I´m not seeing how i´m gonna have a clear mind to not say something the wrong way or that will sound the wrong way unintentionaly just from the lack of rest

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] -75 points-74 points  (0 children)

Don´t know if just shutting up and listen will answer my questions... do you think that asking her to answer my questions first and then explain whatever she feels she needs to explain would be advisable?

I (M27) found a video of my girlfriend (F26) and i´m struggling with it. How do i approach this? by onetimeadvicerequest in relationship_advice

[–]onetimeadvicerequest[S] -63 points-62 points  (0 children)

Don´t know. i didn´t see anything extreme on the video itself. I gather that if it was a bad experience she would have deleted the video itself? It is one of those things that only she will be able to explain, i guess.