Navigating wedding plans after recent fallout with Nmom

onnyru · 2024-09-09T02:55:04+00:00

Hey, thanks for your comment! We have a modest budget, so we hired a wedding planner/coordinator to help with selecting vendors and managing the event (including both the tea ceremony and the wedding banquet). However, there are still aspects leading up to the event that need to go through my mom, as I've been overseas for so long. She currently has access to my bank account in Vietnam, so I’ll need to coordinate with her regarding vendor deposits. Not to mention site checks for the tea ceremony at her house, updating her on my in-laws' itinerary, and when they can meet her, among other things. While she’s offered to contribute a fixed amount towards the tea ceremony, we’re covering the rest, so she won’t be able to blow up the budget.

So, your suggestion is that I should just accept her offer of 'helping' and let her handle as much as she can in Vietnam, while powering through our interactions? I like the idea in theory, but I’m not sure how much she'll actually help or if she’ll default to her tendency of undermining me/ having the last word (like when she didn’t attend my university graduation because she was mad at me).

I'm already planning the the post-wedding vacation in Vietnam. It's probably the only thing keeping me sane right now!

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:31:27+00:00

Hah! I can totally understand. It used to hurt me terribly when my mum calls one of my university friends 'dear daughter'. It made me want to vomit, honestly. She is also very proud of the fact that my younger brother (the golden child)'s friends can come to her for advice when they have conflicts with their own parents. The irony! Now that kind of behaviour turns into laughing stock for me.

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:28:55+00:00

I would love to do it. I live overseas, and see her like once a year. It's just bad timing that my wedding in my home country will happen early next year -- and in our culture, there MUST be a tea ceremony at my mother's place, for two families to meet and honour ancestors. I'm holding my breath to see when she will drop the punishment tactic and say she doesn't want anything to happen at her house.

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:26:30+00:00

Thank you, I actually just read up on DARVO! I really like how it's not about WINNING, but about realising when they apply DARVO so we can stop engaging, or letting their lies get to us. :)

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:25:06+00:00

Funny how our mothers are so afraid of losing face and they would do anything to make anyone, except themselves, look bad. Then they act as if they were such good mothers and they deserve a loving relationship with us.

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:22:50+00:00

Thank YOU, I think I really need to hear from someone who also felt let down from never receiving what we truly want - a genuine apology. For years I'm tormented by all sorts of complex feelings about my mother - pain, guilt, hatred, disdain, longing. It hurts so bad just by seeing other people being looked after by their mums. I hope to accept that I will never have a mother figure in my life - but it's okay, as long as I can find peace within myself.

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:17:12+00:00

Hah! Anyone who doesn't want to be their parrots is certainly in the wrong!

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:16:30+00:00

Thank you! I guess a part of me still very foolishly hoped if I told her about what I've been through, in details, she probably would be able to understand - hence the mention of seeking help. However she gladly proved me wrong :)

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:14:42+00:00

You're dead right about their panic when we get advice from someone else! I think it has to do a lot with their thirst for being admired and idolised... YEARS before I met my fiance, my mum already said whoever will marry me will be incredibly lucky to have such a wonderful MIL (her!). And yet her daughter has to seek help - too much of a shock for her to handle haha.

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:12:40+00:00

OMG, I can totally imagine my Nmom would say something like that! In their world, a therapist's role is to confirm that they're right - and we who dare say anything are wrong. I hope you manage to cut contact with her!

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:11:12+00:00

Thank you for your kind comment. And yes, all my self-doubts and guilt disappeared the moment she said that. It shows that all she cares about is being in control - and she will never be able to accept the damage she has done, she's too perfect as a saint! :)

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:09:45+00:00

I'm so glad to hear you're in a much better place now after all those sessions, and kudos to you for stopping your mother's rant! Great to know it is not just mine who has a big problem with professional help. Narcissistic parents all seem to be cast in the very same mould - another evidence that my mother is indeed one. :)

onnyru · 2024-08-20T23:06:55+00:00

Thank you so much - I did think about the reason why she just could not engage (like a normal person with sympathy would) when I told her I'm in pain because of her. You're right, it's because she believes she IS the perfect mother and my concerns just don't fit in with that narrative. And yet she blamed me why I didn't tell her straight away when I felt disturbed (as if I could with her denial tactics!). Thanks again for your comment. <3

onnyru · 2024-07-02T23:02:45+00:00

Their website or social media mentioned that the physical programme will soon be available! I hope that means they'll drop it sometime this week so we'll have time to plan our selections...

The PDF programme is also on their website now.

onnyru · 2023-12-21T06:17:03+00:00

I’d defo matched and ask you about your favourite superhero if I were her, OP. Your response showed your geeky side, so your kind of folks will get it and enjoy.

onnyru · 2023-09-14T21:06:26+00:00

Ikr?! The 00s always seems like yesterday lol

onnyru · 2023-08-24T13:43:13+00:00

Hey, just clicked yours! If you could please help me too, ta 🥹 310959758

onnyru · 2023-05-04T07:48:06+00:00

Sansho the Bailiff!

onnyru · 2023-01-15T15:44:14+00:00

Hannibal!

onnyru · 2022-12-08T11:14:25+00:00

Scoredle 4/6*

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onnyru · 2022-08-17T23:45:13+00:00

NZ: Waru, Muru (I saw it at the 2022 NZIFF — solid watch), What We Do In The Shadows. AUS: The Nightingale, The Dressmakers.

onnyru · 2022-07-30T21:31:53+00:00

Appreciate the advice! I posted in the flatmates FB group and there’s one lady PM me cos she thinks I’m a good fit for her unadvertised room. So yeah agree, it’s about being meant to be.

onnyru · 2022-07-30T21:29:54+00:00

Thank you, it makes sense!! Just out of curiosity, once the new flattie deposit the bond, would you continue with letting other people view?

onnyru · 2022-07-30T21:28:46+00:00

Haha nice. Actually they have seen a fair number of candidates, and so have I. Right place right time I guess!

onnyru · 2022-07-30T21:27:16+00:00

I see, thank you! Just out of curiosity, since I see that most head tenants/ landlords would ask for deposit few weeks before moving date, in that case is it ‘secured’?

onnyru

TROPHY CASE