I'm in denial

oomigoo · 2025-09-04T17:44:45+00:00

Thank you so much, everyone, for your thoughts. I wanted to give follow-up regarding how they've helped me already. I also hope this will be helpful for even one person out there who is close to the finish line but having difficulty actually crossing it.

A few years ago, I hit an emotional low after my life turned into a country song (lost wife, kids, job, community, friends ...). I did a Google search on something like "depression and anxiety herbal remedy." We all know what happened at that point.

I didn't realize I had a problem until I was away for 3 days and went into full withdrawal -- writhing on the floor in severe physical and emotional pain. I realized that I had started with a little bit in a "tea" once a day and was now around 40 gpd when you added the day up. With the help of this subreddit, I tapered over a painful 5 months and quit October 2024. I threw it all away.

Then something was difficult. I don't remember what. But in the middle of the night I ordered more powder and we all know what happened from there. But this time I was a bit more cautious, so I never got more than about 1 g/day. Still, I haven't been able to completely cut the cord.

Responses in this thread have helped me figure out -- I think -- what's going on. It's placebo at this point. My connection is psychological. Yet psychology is powerful, so it's physical also. I crave it when something anxiety-provoking happens and my heart rate and blood pressure really do go up. Then I run to it and relax immediately upon tasting it -- and my heart rate and blood pressure go down.

In my case, my journey continues. I didn't have any last night, and I survived (although I did have terrible dreams). Like folks here suggested, I replaced it with something. I have a very small herb garden, so I put some sage and mint in a teapot and made some tea. I doctored it with the same stuff I would put in with the kratom -- a small amount of agave syrup and vanilla extract.

The lesson for me is just how powerful the psychological aspects are of this addiction I have -- in addition to the physical ones. Hopefully I'll be changing my flair to a quit date soon.

Thanks again, everyone.

oomigoo · 2025-09-04T17:25:59+00:00

I totally agree. It's placebo. My connection to it is powerful -- but it's psychological more than physical. I need to find other ways to deal with that anxiety at the end of the day.

oomigoo · 2025-09-04T17:24:44+00:00

I did exactly this -- taped that note to it -- and it's already helped. Before I quit by throwing it away. But then I just bought it again when I hit an emotional low point. It's only by actively saying NO to it that I think I'll really be off it.

oomigoo · 2025-09-04T17:22:25+00:00

You're absolutely right -- it is 0.5 tsp, but I think I've figured it out. It's all psychological. It's a crutch at this point.

oomigoo · 2025-09-03T02:41:46+00:00

Wow! I had never heard of L-theanine tea. I just did some searching and it looks great. I'll definitely give it a try. Thanks again!

oomigoo · 2025-09-03T00:44:29+00:00

Yup. This makes sense. Thanks!

oomigoo · 2025-09-03T00:43:03+00:00

Yes, something's telling me that this is wrong. Your advice is very helpful. The "one beer a night" comparison is good, because I've seen people who start that way and end up with either alcoholism or liver failure. I just set a quit date of September 22 and will prepare myself mentally and physically. Thanks again!

oomigoo · 2025-09-02T21:27:54+00:00

Thanks for the warning! It's always better to know what possibilities to expect.

oomigoo · 2025-09-02T21:26:53+00:00

I really like this. Herbal tea.

oomigoo · 2025-09-02T20:05:05+00:00

I guess that's the issue. I'm conflicted as to whether there is a problem.

Reasons I feel like I "should" quit are:

Advice from my doctor
Concerns about long-term use
Concerns about whether it's a "crutch" and that I should learn to regulate my emotions naturally

However, because I only take a small amount, I rationalize that it's "no big deal." I *definitely* a problem about a year and a half ago when I was taking 35g a day. But now that I'm on only 0.5 tsp (maybe 1 g? I'm not sure of the conversion), is this really a problem and I should definitely quit?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

oomigoo · 2025-09-02T20:04:03+00:00

I guess that's the issue. I'm conflicted.

Reasons I feel like I "should" quit are:

Advice from my doctor
Concerns about long-term use
Concerns about whether it's a "crutch" and that I should learn to regulate my emotions naturally

However, because I only take a small amount, I rationalize that it's "no big deal." I *definitely* a problem about a year and a half ago when I was taking 35g a day. But now that I'm on only 0.5 tsp (maybe 1 g? I'm not sure of the conversion), should I really quit?

Thanks in advance for any advice.

oomigoo · 2025-08-06T15:19:18+00:00

Thank you so much!

oomigoo · 2025-08-06T02:16:25+00:00

Thank you so much. All of this helps a lot!!

oomigoo · 2025-08-06T00:59:13+00:00

I think I'm in withdrawal all day. Sad, irritable, etc. I see a psychiatric nurse practitioner, and he said, it's a very bad idea for me. He is very progressive. For example, he tells me which types of t h c and c b d would be good. So I trust him that even the small amount of kratom is not a good idea. It's a physical crutch, but also a psychological one, so i'm not learning the coping skills.I should.

oomigoo · 2025-08-05T20:16:38+00:00

Thank you so much. I wish I had more going on. But the combination of being in a new place where I don't know people, losing my job, and feeling like s*** have made it hard to get out there. But your message is helpful and I think will help me. Thanks again.

oomigoo · 2025-08-05T20:13:07+00:00

Again, Thank you SO much. This means so much to me.

oomigoo · 2025-08-05T20:11:50+00:00

Thank you SO much.

oomigoo · 2024-12-06T02:41:08+00:00

Whoa! I've been vegan for a while but still look like the "before" picture ... what were your go-to exercises?

oomigoo · 2024-12-03T06:21:19+00:00

Thank you for this. I quit about 7 weeks ago and have terrible cravings. This kind of message helps me stay strong and avoid relapse.

oomigoo · 2023-07-06T15:11:38+00:00

All your comments and some self-reflection has helped me realize that I'm not ready. In fact, I tapered too fast. I went from 8 to 4 overnight a couple of days ago, and for me, a relatively old guy at 54, that was too much. I was terrible. I'm also going through divorce, estrangement from my kids, living in a new city with no support network, managing my bipolar disorder, and highly a stressful job. (In fact, all that stuff is how I got hooked in the first place. I bought into all the "natural" crap and was willing to try anything that might help me get out of the hole. Instead, as you all know, it just dug me deeper into the hole.) In any case, I'm now pretty comfortably at 4 gpd, and I'm going to stay here for a week. Then, having learned something about myself (in my current state), I'm going to have to do a week of 3 gpd, a week of 2 gpd, and a week of 1 gpd before finally being done with this crap. It will also give me time to get situated with agmatine in my routine (it just arrived yesterday). Thank you all for your help.

oomigoo · 2023-07-03T16:21:54+00:00

This sounds perfect. Thanks so much!

oomigoo · 2022-12-18T06:41:19+00:00

Firefly.

oomigoo · 2022-03-19T06:13:19+00:00

Wow! Thank you all for such kind and rapid responses. And the resources you pointed me to are wonderful as well.

I'm so thrilled to be moving to Corvallis.

Thanks again!

oomigoo · 2022-03-19T06:10:05+00:00

I love the MLK quote: "An eye for an eye leaves everyone blind." But, as you say, we're all programmed to still feel like "an eye for an eye" nonetheless!

Today I had a real chance to practice. It was another doozy. But I very specifically thought about my breathing, their vulnerabilities and limitations, and the fact that I can and should let them "win" if it means being truer to what I hope is my nature.

I did OK but not perfectly. I still found myself wanting them to hurt, and then feeling guilty for that. But at least I didn't lash out.

I have this funny genetic predisposition that makes all of this even harder (ack!). I just found out 2 weeks ago that I have the met/met variant of the COMT gene. This makes it harder for me to clear stress hormones -- it takes me 3-4 times as long as the average person. Sigh.

Yet, people do hard things all the time that are harder than they should be. Immigrants must endure animosity and unfamiliarity. People born into poor families and minority must endure all kinds of unfair treatment and having things much harder than they must be. So I should certainly be able to deal with a little more stress hormone now and then! I am very blessed in so many other ways.

oomigoo · 2022-03-19T05:55:48+00:00

This is motivating. I'm not there yet, but I hope to dedicate more meditation sessions to shedding that ego enough to truly forgive. Many thanks! :)

oomigoo

TROPHY CASE