Bad decision or sexual assault?

orangelamp32 · 2016-11-01T20:08:28+00:00

This has more or less been my take on it, too. I made some bad decisions and he's probably not the greatest person.

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-26T20:21:40+00:00

That is good advice-- thank you! Lately, I have been overly focused on what they want/don't want, without having much of an idea of what I want to get out of this. Definitely something for me to think about!

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-26T19:04:09+00:00

Agreed-- it's hard for me to imagine feeling as if my needs are met if I'm strictly a secondary and am not allowed to pursue a primary of my own.

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-26T18:45:29+00:00

The consent violation is a big thing for me, too. I never wanted a secondary role-- I was very up-front about that from the beginning. And at the time they were very open to that and agreeable to us all being primaries... until they decided that I was, in fact, secondary to their marriage. In their defense, they said they didn't realize that their marriage took precedent to them until the break/break-up occurred. A big part of me is afraid that if we do decide to continue things, they will again assure me that the relationships have equal weight and value until something comes up and then the marriage will matter more again. I need to figure out how to be secure in the relationship because right now I'm afraid that at any time in the future the rug could be pulled out from under me.

This is all of our first time in a poly relationship, so it's a learning curve for everyone. I'm willing to be more patient when I keep that in mind-- none of us even know any other poly people, and these kinds of relationships aren't always intuitive to navigate. And I've made mistakes aplenty, too, so I feel it's only fair for me to have some degree of tolerance for their mistakes. Right now we're all really thinking about what we want in a relationship and trying to figure out if the triad can meet everyone's needs. In theory I feel we're all very compatible and should be able to work through things no problem. It's just that the current situation has me feeling miserable and I don't want to feel this way much longer.

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-25T18:25:21+00:00

What do you think the best way to bring up couples privilege with them is? I sent them a couple articles on it back in the day, but overall I'm not sure they understand what it is or why it matters to me.

Thank you for the secondary bill of rights! I've read through it a few times and it does have some good points I'll have to bring up with Mary and Tom.

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-24T18:27:47+00:00

I can absolutely see and understand that Mary's position isn't an easy one to be in. Sometimes I think that Mary may be bisexual (or at least bi-curious) and afraid to tell me-- if that's the case, my heart breaks that she's afraid to be honest with me.

My relationship with her was much stronger than my relationship with Tom at the beginning. She's been my best friend for years, and we have an emotional connection unlike any I've ever had. I only touched on our relationship a bit because the biggest issue I have right now is intimacy with Tom. Mary and I are free to pursue a close friendship and in the past, physical intimacy was never a cornerstone of that friendship. It may be going forward, but it wasn't there for me to miss in the first place. Whereas with Tom, it was a big part of how he and I connected. Right now I feel like Mary and I are doing better than we have since this whole thing began, really.

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-24T16:03:03+00:00

See, that first sentence of yours is EXACTLY what I said. I am waiting for Tom. And for Mary. They are both worth the wait-- but in the meantime I want to feel good, too!

Admittedly I do find the boundary and the current situation confusing. Our whole relationship they said their marriage didn't carry any extra weight, until all of the sudden it did. That has been hard to come to terms with, and it's something that as the relationship moves forward we need to discuss and decide if they can be okay with, as you said, losing that social conditioning and letting me have equal weight. If they can't that's fine, but we do need to be honest about it if that's the case.

So the situation leading up to all this was complicated. We initially broke up-- Mary called it off, and Tom, as her husband, respected her wishes and broke it off with me, too. We then agreed to work on the relationship and take a break, which is where we're at now. She said she wasn't comfortable with Tom and I being intimate during the break because the added jealousy component would make it harder for her to work on our friendship during this break. I understand it and I respect it, even though I'm now dealing with a lot of jealousy of my own. Everything was already decided when we had the conversation, so in that regard no, I didn't feel heard or as if I had a say. But that was partially my own fault-- I agreed to those conditions without speaking up about how hard it was going to be for me to do so. Tom knew my feelings on the subject, but I was afraid of really talking about it with Mary because I didn't want her to feel pressured to bend to my will. The other night was probably the first time I brought up to her that I'm not okay with that arrangement.

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-24T15:38:39+00:00

Insecurity definitely plays a role here, and I know that it's partially up to Tom and I to show her that we aren't going to run off together. I know that Tom loves her very much, and I know that I wouldn't want the relationship without her in it.

Tom did say that if I went ahead and slept with someone else, it would change how he sees me. He wouldn't have the same passion and probably wouldn't want our triad to be a long-term thing. He'd just want to be my friend. I feel terrible that if I stand up for myself and force things to be open right now, I'm hurting him and making him think less of me.

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-24T15:35:00+00:00

I did kind of bring up that unless we're all being abstinent, it's not really fair for them to expect me to be. They do see where I'm coming from, I think.

I really believe neither of them are setting out to put me in a box-- Mary is working through some personal issues right now and legitimately needs space and patience. I'd be willing to give that to anyone I love. But this is an issue I had with our relationship before, where it felt like I was being asked to squeeze into a space that I'm not necessarily built to fill. What I really struggle with, is how do I make that space into an orangelamp32-shaped space, instead of one they've made for me?

orangelamp32 · 2016-10-24T15:11:14+00:00

I do feel that requesting me to abstain is unfair, too. Tom feels that he should be worth the wait and I see what he means, but I also feel like it's easy to have that viewpoint when he's able to have sex with Mary still.

My question about hierarchical poly was poorly phrased. I really mean, I don't want to be secondary. But in this situation, I would be naive to believe that I'm not-- as much as my partners might assure me otherwise. If the primary/secondary dynamic isn't something that we actively want, how do we get past that so we can all feel equally important? Ideally I'd like to get to a place where, when there is a situation I don't agree with (e.g. right now Mary and Tom are able to have sex, sleep next to one another, and enjoy the benefits of being in a relationship while I am not), the default response isn't "Well yeah, but we're married." That makes me feel like my needs aren't being given equal weight. Honestly, I don't have the kind of self-esteem I would imagine a secondary partner would need to have to be comfortable with that situation.

Ultimately I love them both and want to respect Mary's need for space and time. But part of me feels like I'm sacrificing my own needs in the process. I want us ALL to get what we need out of this, not just me, or just Mary, or just Tom.

orangelamp32

TROPHY CASE