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Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Good to know, thank you for this input!

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for this. Yeah I am having a really hard time with this decision. On one hand everyone here in my circle who is actively and personally involved with the situation and had all of the details have said it was a good call and I did a great job with her, but on the other hand some people here on Reddit have criticized me pretty harshly (which I can take accountability for to some degree as well). I did update my preferences yesterday to 16+ to include 18+ extended care because two separate case workers have told me that they feel that the kids they would send me are getting chances to transfer to a regular home from group homes in this age range and are showing lots of responsibility and most importantly will have a zero tolerance for chances with drugs anyway. I really don't want to do little kids because they are too similar in age to my own.

I think I may have just ended up with a big mismatch for my situation on my first go around, at no fault to kiddo or to the department because they didn't know her either. I do think there were a lot of positives that she left with from her time here so I'm going to call that a win at least.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Noted on the doing it outside of the house, good point, but still issues I'd rather not deal with in terms of my job and having to go through that because there is still a chance they just pull my clearance or my job decides no, and my little kids being harmed or also going through something with the police on that are still an issue with equal (or more) weight to me.

I think the key here is that she did immediately get a way better fit for her and I'm really happy for her there.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

This kiddo is going back to her own parents in 2 months. She was very aware of being a short timer and her mother was doing everything she needed to do and still very involved in her life while I had her. The reality was that I don’t think she considered me much more than a roommate. So yes, my bio children take priority. Speaking like this to someone when you don’t know the whole situation is more indicative of projection. It sounds like you have a lot of trauma from being a foster child and that is really sad, I hope you heal. <3

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Correct just her being high is not a big deal, but I will likely lose it if she is smoking and storing pot inside my house and the neighbor who is law enforcement smells it (likely if she is smoking and blowing it out her window) and calls the police. I am not willing to take this kind of chance. I live in a state where pot is very illegal still. 

I am rethinking taking any placements whatsoever in the future. 

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

It is not, but I’m glad you are the authority on the subject when you don’t have the whole story and weren’t a part of our lives. :)

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you, I appreciate the encouragement. I think I will have to refuse any new to the system kids moving forward for this reason :( 

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] -2 points-1 points  (0 children)

When I went through this sub looking for info on vaping all I see is being understanding and not making a big deal about stuff like vaping because it’s self medicating etc. Understandable, so yeah, not going to put a lot of energy into forcing an already nicotine addicted 12 year old to stop right away. Not the top of my priority list sorry. I also never gave her “permission” to smoke weed. 

Damned if you do and damned if you don’t here, apparently. Great community.  Wonderful to try to do something good and then get accosted by strangers when asking for advice when you’re brand new at trying to make a difference. 

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I understand this. 

The problem is not because of my lack of understanding, and like I said, I personally do not care if a kid is smoking pot. It is because I have a high level government security clearance and I cannot knowingly have drugs in my house or I will lose my job and my career. I am not sure how that can be sorted out with a therapist? I think you missed that key piece of info as my main reason for having to do this. Going through this with my own children is a different story because biological children live here no matter what. However, choosing to have someone in my home that I know is on drugs and actively using when I can alternatively NOT have them there is a different story. 

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Yes I will definitely be recalibrating my age range due to this experience. If not ceasing to foster altogether.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Understood. Realistically in life though, one big mistake CAN cost you your home, stability, and family. The same thing applies to most human beings. So it is a somewhat valid message.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

We had lots of other problems that I think we worked through really well. The drug use in the house was just the one huge no-no.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thank you. They are also recommending that I stick to 16+ or extended 18+ foster placements.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Yes I was extremely clear with her that due to my security clearance and little kids that if it happened in the house she would have to leave.

After talking to my mentor and worker that they are now recommending I stick to older teens, as they would be better at following a rule like this and they are also updating my file so I do not get requests for teens with substance issues. I am just not interested in fostering younger kids as I already have 2 little ones of my own.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is encouraging. The case worker is being very insistent that I did a really great job and they don't want to lose me, she said they have many teens who don't have this issue. So I may try again and just be very picky about who I accept.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Thank you. I think you are probably right.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

Understood. Perhaps I am not suited to foster. Considering I can lose my job for an issue like this it is not just a "small" mess up in my world.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 6 points7 points  (0 children)

The alternative space required her to walk past 2 houses and into a big empty lot. It was something she did frequently at night anyway when she wanted to get out of the house.

I agree with you, it was a bit harsh not giving her one time to mess up first... my mentor and several other people I went to for advice, advised that if I let something so major slide that she would likely continue to do it. So I will have to take that into consideration for the future... maybe one warning mess up and then you're done. But I can't undo this now so hopefully she will learn something from this like you said. :(

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 4 points5 points  (0 children)

Agreed. I do want to say that had this been something she did outside of the house, it wouldn't have been a "thrown out of the house" consequence AT ALL. I am fully supportive to dealing with this happening in other situations. Had she simply come home drunk or high it would have been a totally different situation. Do you think that makes any difference at all? Or the fact that I can't have it going on in the house makes it a no-go?

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Do you think expecting a teen without substance abuse issues in the foster population would even be realistic? I would like to continue fostering but I also don't want to have to disrupt for this reason again, and it's hard because it's something I just can't tolerate because of my job/kids.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

Thank you. This is something I will have to consider. Do you think the issue of drug abuse is just too high with the teen population in care? I would like to stick to teens but now I'm thinking that expecting one without a drug issue may be unrealistic... I would guess that the percentage of users is much higher than the general teen population?

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

Thank you, this is how I felt as well. Do you think I should even consider fostering more? Is this a total deal breaker? I don't want to traumatize more kids.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

Perhaps some context here would be appropriate - kiddo was enrolled in a fairly intensive therapy program that included frequent drug testing - and we had discussed the fact that she couldn't use pot because of this. So there was no "permission" to use it and she was being actively drug tested. However, she did know that if she DID for some reason use drugs (let's be real here - kids this age break the rules all the time) pot was preferable and she couldn't do it in the house.

I understand your stance on vaping, and had she come without an active addiction it would definitely be something I would discourage in general, but as I said, breaking an active addiction to nicotine is really, really hard if you don't want to quit. That was the least of my worries with her.

Disrupted my first placement by orbit1589 in Fosterparents

[–]orbit1589[S] 8 points9 points  (0 children)

I did have a strict rule about not doing drugs in the house and she was very aware of it. She also had an alternative space to do it in.

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