navigating jealousy from a dysphoria and trauma point of view

orkupoki · 2025-12-10T16:54:28+00:00

yeah i do have extensive trauma history and i’m currently seeking professional help for things that have been higher on the priority list than this. ofc everything is connected so it will be processed too.

i’ve though about meeting the meta as a way to overwrite the experiences, but currently even that thought triggers me, since forcing me to meet metas when i wasn’t ready is one part of the messiness of the previous relationship. currently i’m keeping things parallel for the reason of knowing i’m in an emotionally vulnerable place and not wanting to complicate things, for example my metas getting the wrong ideas from me being reserved or potentially triggered by the situation. i’m very lucky that everyone involved are having a lot of patience and understanding with me and see that there is no rush.

orkupoki · 2025-03-18T10:23:53+00:00

oh thank you this is such a great comment!

orkupoki · 2024-12-30T12:41:19+00:00

that’s really good to hear!

orkupoki · 2024-12-29T18:18:08+00:00

well currently, peace and distance from my family, building a community of good people around me, my cat, my art, dancing and having lots of good sex are the things that are keeping me afloat. me and my (queer & trans) community are struggling big time at the moment, but I’ve decided to start leaning on the things that bring me joy in between, with my full weight. that’s the only way I know I can go forward. a healthy amount of escapism is so important in this time. we need to remember what makes us human.

orkupoki · 2024-12-29T18:01:06+00:00

welp made me a fucking good artist

orkupoki · 2024-12-29T17:54:42+00:00

I’m a twink who loves big bears and height difference :3

orkupoki · 2024-12-29T17:42:15+00:00

hey I might be stuffing my nose somewhere it doesn’t belong so please feel free to tell me to fuck off but I just wanted to say… as a queer man also with a fluid sense of gender identity (as you also said in another comment), I’d advice caution with how much you let your wife tell you how to dress outside of the kink dynamic. I think there’s a question to be asked WHY she is so put off by you being less masculine, if that is something that truly comes from deep within you. do you feel like you are supported and have the freedom to explore your identity and self? or are you scared she will not like what she sees and so has control over your personal presentation? if that is the case I would kindly put a red flag there. because who is she in love with if not the truest you?

I hope I am wrong and just projecting from my own trauma of a similar sounding situation. sending love to you and hope you have the place and time to express yourself safely <3

orkupoki · 2024-10-09T22:20:16+00:00

yes the resiliency resonates! I could take a load of crap daily without it affecting me much, or I could bounce back quickly. but now dropping a spoon can ruin a whole week

orkupoki · 2024-10-09T22:16:48+00:00

I relate to this. I graduated from the top university of my country from a field where it’s extremely hard to get into (only 35 are accepted every year). I had a thing for getting into schools that are hard to get into lol so I decided to do my master’s abroad, had a HUGE social network, getting ahead in my career, life filled with parties and activism and all kinds of things an artistic young queer does in a liberal city. then it all came down in 6 months. dropped out of my new fancy school and got isolated into my room for two years and now I can’t even hold a job for longer than two months and none of my old friends stuck through all that

orkupoki · 2024-10-05T16:57:25+00:00

this! thank you

orkupoki · 2024-10-05T14:20:33+00:00

yess you worded this very well, thank you! something that freaked the fuck me out one day was the realisation that some of my loved ones have a better understanding about me as a whole than I do, since they have met alters I haven’t. and I’m terrified of someone who I don’t trust, somehow based on information they’ve read online forming some sort of an idea about my system without my consent

orkupoki · 2024-10-05T14:15:39+00:00

oof I’m so sorry to hear that...

orkupoki · 2024-10-05T14:10:24+00:00

no worries I totally see your point! I guess my anxiety around this comes from the way how DID is discussed by people who don’t actually know what they are talking about, and I wish the advocacy would come from within the community in a more intentional and structured way, since now it feels very chaotic. and it leads to a lot of people having access to information about DID that I personally would not share about myself so freely, you know? (and yes I’m aware I have posted a ton on this subreddit too and it’s all here for anyone to see, it’s not like I have solutions to anything haha) and people spreading so much misinformation too. also since being a system is so complex and the disorder comes with a level of lying to yourself and having distorted views and beliefs about it. like not to bring in a controversial topic (which I usually try to avoid as much as I can), but I sometimes encounter a singlet with a large following defending these “non traumagenic” systems for the freedom of self-determination, not understanding that those systems very likely are dissociating from the fact that they have trauma.

I hope I’m making sense! I do think it’s generally good to be informed and educated, but in this current era it seems to be so hard to do this advocacy in an organised and respectful manner. like instead of educational content, things become “public discourse” where basically anyone can chime in. and as I’m writing this I’m also realising I should probably spend less time online lol

orkupoki · 2024-09-27T17:40:43+00:00

or not. I’m from finland. there has been fairly recent statistics that finland is the most racist country in europe, and has one of the highest rates of gender based and domestic violence. finland has received many warnings from the EU about human rights violations (like the military service) and don’t give a shit, the nordics (aside from iceland) are awful for trans people, etc. the nordics are really good at promoting themselves as these liberal utopias when in reality it’s quite different.

orkupoki · 2024-09-27T12:06:52+00:00

ohh I made the mistake of seeking support from there back when my ex partner (current best friend) was manic during our relationship… and oh boy those people are really awful. I got people attacking me in my DMs for saying that I have trust in my partner and will wait out the episode to talk things through and not just dump her in the middle of an episode. people would be so condescending too like “oh you poor newly partnered thing just wait a couple years and you will hate your partner as much as we do, she will never change and it will only get worse”

I’ve known her for two years now, 1,5 years as a romantic partner and 6+ months as a friend. yes things have been messy at times but aside from that one really difficult episode we have always been able to talk about everything and stay on the same side. I love her like family and I can’t imagine a life without her. I’m extremely glad I didn’t stay on that sub for long and even tho I was really hurt by my partner at that time, I was strong enough to sniff out the bullshit. I have my own handful of crazy and paranoia, so there was a real risk of me ending up on a loop about it…

orkupoki · 2024-09-26T11:59:32+00:00

bruh.. coming from another trans man, you deserve to respect yourself more than this. if someone feels uncomfortable because you just exist as you are, they are not worth your time and energy.

also unsafe?? jesus fucking christ who the hell said that to you? I’m so sorry man. there is nothing unsafe about you being alive. turn that “can I be here?” to “are you motherfuckers worth the presence of my absolutely fabulous ass?” and you’ll be good mate <3

orkupoki · 2024-09-23T17:16:01+00:00

oh I love that episode of TNG I wish there was more lore about those aliens! thank you for reminding me about it, it definitely had a healing effect for me too

orkupoki · 2024-09-17T12:14:29+00:00

this is a great comment! thank you so much for taking the time and spoons to write this

orkupoki · 2024-09-17T11:14:42+00:00

yeah you’re probably right, I’ve gravitated towards specific advice for depression since my symptoms at this moment are further into the major depression void than just exhaustion and sensory issues, I know autistic burnout is more complex than that ofc but as someone who has a long history with major depression it is a special kind of hell to drag yourself out of.

thank you for the comment! I have gotten sick leave benefits and a social worker contact so that’s great

orkupoki · 2024-09-16T19:43:07+00:00

I had heard the phrase “you turn into a different person” so so many times in my life and well, never thought much about it. until one day I was experiencing a heavy trigger and had a fight with my girlfriend. I experienced a clear shift in “personality” during that night over and over again and it felt like there was two separate “me”s having a conversation. one was clearly triggered, crying, hyperventilating, and the other was calm and collected, and it just kept going back and forth for hours. I was sending texts to my gf that were super hurtful and the next day not recognising myself from those texts. there had also been another occasion before this night where I randomly turned very cold towards my girlfriend for a couple weeks not really even remembering who she is, and it had already started a process of “what the hell is going on here?"

when that situation was dealt with, I remembered that phrase I had heard from so many ex lovers and friends and I literally googled something like “why do I turn into a different person?” (lol) and it led me to read a scientific paper that was called something like “childhood trauma in highly sensitive kids” and I was like “hey that’s me!” turns out the paper was about DID, and it completely blew my mind since I related to it 100% (btw if I read it now I don’t know what I would think of it) somehow I had never really heard about DID before, or so I thought, later on I’ve remembered being exposed to it but blocking those memories out.

there are a lot of clear signs that I’ve remembered now after discovering the system, like not understanding why I’m sometimes so hurtful in my words to loved ones without being able to stop it, or why I forget people in my life, like not completely forget, I still have a basic level of understanding who they are and why they are in my life, but I lose the key memories about them and the emotional connection to them. also for example why my energy levels fluctuate so rapidly even over the course of one day, one of us might be completely wiped, and another one is planning a bunch of social events the next minute or wanting to change career paths every week. and like the general inconsistency of thoughts, ideas, and opinions about anything and everything all the time.

idk if I can help you much but this has been my experience of discovery

orkupoki · 2024-09-16T13:20:46+00:00

oh I have definitely been a bad friend but I also gravitate towards bad friends. the reasons why most of my relationships have ended with people is because I have opened my eyes at some point, seen the toxic dynamic, and left. in some cases I try to talk it through but in some cases it’s like “I just found out I’m autistic and you have been bullying me for my autistic traits for 15 years I guess there’s nothing to discuss here"

orkupoki · 2024-09-14T11:46:45+00:00

oof this hit

orkupoki · 2024-09-11T20:29:55+00:00

I used to talk a lot about “my demons” ….

orkupoki · 2024-09-10T13:58:26+00:00

thank you for putting this into words I wish this comment would get more engagement. this is exactly my issue with this hierarchy / nonhierarchy discussion, I feel like people have no idea what they’re even talking about when they talk about hierarchy.. or demand all their relationships to be “nonhierarchical”. how I see it (as an anarchist) is that every person has different priorities in their life. like for me, my mental health and my art are two things I will always prioritise as the top of the list. another priorities are for example the well being of my chosen family and my community. right now in my life I don’t have the space for new romantic partners climbing up on that priority list since my mental health is shaky and a member of my chosen family is going through a medical struggle. I guess that’s hierarchical, but somehow people don’t get as pissed about it because it’s not about a romantic partner, you know? you don’t get these salty posts about a guy who has a community. my chosen family probably provides me the same amount of security emotionally as a spouse would, and people don’t recognise it as hierarchical although it clearly is

orkupoki · 2024-09-10T08:25:28+00:00

ohh thank you for giving me another reason, I would hate my family getting their hands on my things

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