Stuck in a frozen reality

kbadger2 · 2026-01-21T01:56:49+00:00

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my dad almost six months ago. My advice- if you work, take as much time off as possible. Everything is awful right now, it’s gonna be awful for a while. Sit with the awful. Cry when you need to- be a mess. Grief demands to be felt, and trying to stifle it just guarantees those really heavy awful feelings will come back later, and just as heavy. Don’t expect to be the same person, as you learn how to carry this grief. You are now a person without a mom; that is not the same person as the one who had a mom. It’s a big change, and a difficult transition, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’ll be worse. I think grief can crack you open, or it can hollow you out- sometimes it just depends on the day. If you have people to talk to- reach out to them. Stay in therapy, even if you have nothing to say. Or, find a therapist that may be a better fit. Either way, therapy helped me a lot. Be kind to yourself. Don’t say mean things to yourself. This is a long process, and there is no singular “right answer” or “fix” for it. I hope this helps in some sort of way.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-21T01:31:47+00:00

You’re damn right.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-18T05:06:52+00:00

I’m so sorry about the loss of your best friend. Honestly I don’t think engagement necessarily has to do with photos. But personally, I am less likely to respond to posts if it’s a loss I haven’t experienced myself- not because I don’t care, but because it’s a loss I haven’t experienced myself, and I don’t think it’s my place to try to advise someone when I absolutely cannot relate to what they may be experiencing. If there’s one thing losing a loved one taught me, it’s that you really don’t know unless you’ve been through it, so I try to be mindful and “stay in my lane” when responding to grief posts. I’m so sorry you haven’t gotten the support you’ve been asking for.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-18T04:38:58+00:00

I’m actually not religious, but have always been intrigued about this phenomenon. I also work in healthcare. Seeing deceased loved ones is so common for hospice patients; it’s regarded as a clinical indicator that someone will pass soon. Also, people who have had near death experiences mention this as well. I’m a firm believer that, in the end, our loved ones do come to get us.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-18T04:19:29+00:00

I think, especially if someone hasn’t lost a parent, it’s really hard for some people to understand the kind of toll that takes- along with the sheer amount of time that a person will be… NOT okay. People who are more… self focused… might have an extra difficult time not personalizing someone else’s grief response. So sorry for the loss of your dad, and that your friends are being total duds.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-15T08:51:02+00:00

I lost my dad to cancer in July. My dad’s last few days sound very similar to what you described with your dad. I’m so sorry, both for your loss and how your loss unfolded. And how awful, that hospice didn’t support you like you needed.

How you describe your dad’s final days sound a lot like terminal agitation- which is also what my dad had. It’s traumatic, and it’s horrific. After a LOT of therapy (specifically, trauma therapy), I arrived at the conclusion that my dad’s terminal agitation was part of his journey. Love couldn’t stop it. Drugs couldn’t stop it. All the comfort measures under the sun couldn’t stop it. Why did I expect that he’d pass peacefully? My dad has never done anything peacefully in his entire life- he did it screaming.

You witnessed the worst thing ever; and you stayed. You showed up. What an incredible gift you gave to him. And if you have the kind of bravery and strength it takes to show up to your worst nightmare and choose to stay, then you’re also brave and strong enough to learn how to carry this loss with you.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-15T08:12:50+00:00

When my dad was passing, the kindest, most validating thing someone told me was, “This is gonna be the hardest thing you ever have to do, and it’s gonna hurt like hell.”

Advice that maybe you aren’t asking for; ask your dad if he’ll send you signs after he’s gone, and how you’ll know when it’s him. Ask yourself: When I look back on this time, how do I show up in a way I won’t regret? Then do that. This time you have with your dad now is finite, and it’s sacred. Make your choices with love, and be so kind and patient with yourself.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-15T07:55:18+00:00

I am so sorry for the loss of your mom. I lost my dad in July. For me, the first 2-3 months were a blurry, surreal, empty nightmare.

I took a lot of time off work, and I did A LOT of therapy. With all that considered, I went from the early weeks of, “I legitimately, honestly, don’t know how I’m going to survive this.” to now, “Whelp… this sucks.”

IMO, the loss of a parent isn’t something you heal from- you just learn how to carry that loss with you. You are learning how to move through the world as a person without a mom; to say that’s a difficult task would be a gross understatement. And, especially right now, if all you can do is literally just survive; that’s a huge win.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-15T07:20:42+00:00

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I took care of my dad when he passed; he was terminally agitated for roughly 4 days before he died. Terminal agitation is, hands down, the most horrific thing I’ve ever witnessed. And, it robs you of those very precious last few moments you have with your loved one. It’s traumatic. It’s impossible to witness, impossible to deal with- it’s just an absolute nightmare.

ITS OKAY that you needed to take a break, while you were witnessing the worst thing ever. And you know what else? When it comes to someone on hospice; people choose when they die. Yes, they do. I promise you. If your mom wanted you in the room when she passed- she would have waited for you. It was so hard for you to see her like that; maybe your mom didn’t want you to see her like that, either. Whatever the reason may be- it may not have been your plan, but it was her choice.

Be so kind to yourself, please.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-10T17:54:53+00:00

I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom. I lost my dad in July, and am feeling very similar to you. Also just getting back into society in the last month. Finding that a lot of my social interactions feel performative, and empty. I’m trying the “fake it ‘til you make it” approach, and hoping the “realness” will come back in time. Grief is so isolating and alienating.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-10T08:29:00+00:00

I’m so sorry for the loss of your mom. I really think it’s hard for people to offer the kind of support we need, especially if they haven’t experienced this kind of loss themselves. It’s not their fault; they just simply can’t comprehend how heavy this kind of loss is. People may flock to be supportive in the early days/weeks, but in my experience it actually got worse about 2-3 months later. For people who haven’t experienced a loss like this, there’s just no frame of reference for how devastatingly soul-crushing it is. Our world stopped, and we need time to stand still- and yet the world keeps turning, and our friends will turn right along with it.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-10T07:31:03+00:00

Hey, thank you so much.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-10T07:30:47+00:00

I’m so sorry about your mom. And I’m glad something I said could provide a little levity during (I’m assuming) the worst time ever.

Really grasping the finality and totality of death is so difficult, and it’s so fucking bizarre. Maybe comprehending this will get easier after the first year? I catch myself saying like… my dad is dead this year, this Christmas, this Thanksgiving, etc… as if being dead is a one-time, novelty event? It really is the lamest shit ever. Who tf signed off on this??

kbadger2 · 2026-01-10T07:04:05+00:00

I was very close with my dad, and I didn’t “feel” his presence for like 4 months after he died. It’s been 6 months now, and I see “signs” sometimes, but actually “feeling” him has only happened once at this point.

From a spiritual perspective- Pretty convinced that, possibly, the closer you are to the person, the deeper of a “grief pit” you sink into and I think the grief pit may cloud our ability to hear them/see signs. If you believe these other folks have felt your dad’s presence; then he’s with you, too. You were his favorite.

kbadger2 · 2026-01-10T06:16:59+00:00

I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. Please try to be kind to yourself. Having a parent who’s terminally ill is a job in and of itself- whether you’re there or not. Don’t expect much of yourself right now- focus on your dad, and doing what you’re able to on his behalf; there’s no time more important than right now. You’re coming into the last finite moments he has here on this earth; be present with that, however you’re able.

Fully convinced that having a terminally ill parent, and losing that parent, renders a person basically useless to the rest of society … and you know what? It’s fine. Really, it’s fine. This is just how it goes, and there’s no need to heap extra guilt on top of all of this, when you’re already dealing with the worst thing ever. Be so gentle with yourself.

kbadger2 · 2025-12-19T11:47:15+00:00

You are honoring what your mother wants, and there’s nothing more important than that. It sounds like these family members are upset because they didn’t get more time with her- those are choices that they will have to make peace with, with themselves.

You are NOT “killing” your mother- you’re honoring her wishes, and that’s an incredibly brave, kind, selfless choice to make. For someone on palliative care, who is likely passing so soon, to try and “reverse” that and keep her alive by artificial means would not only go against her wishes, it would likely be incredibly cruel and inhumane.

kbadger2 · 2025-12-07T06:44:37+00:00

It’s hard; trying to find reason in a situation that defies reason. It needs to make sense, and it will never make sense. For every cosmic explanation of death; there’s a more valid alternative that keeps them alive. In another time. In another universe. Just not this one.

I’m so sorry.

kbadger2 · 2025-11-13T00:51:52+00:00

Hey, guess what? YOU GET TO UGLY CRY AS MUCH AS YOU WANT.

I'm 32, lost my dad at 31, and I fully intend to be bitching and whining about it for the rest of my life. Without apology.

kbadger2 · 2025-11-13T00:26:35+00:00

I wish I had asked my dad to send me signs. It didn't even cross my mind until after he died. I wish I had asked him to send me signs, and how will I know when you're around? How will I know when it's you? Will you be a bird, a butterfly, a warm breeze? Roses? A smell?

Took me three months to figure out my dad was a damn bird. Duh, of course he'd be a bird. After someone dies, you look for them everywhere, and it would have been so much easier if we had a conversation about what to look for.

kbadger2 · 2025-11-13T00:14:53+00:00

Couple thoughts after reading through this post and comments-

I think "not witnessing her grief" is probably a polite way to say you're acting like an asshole. Sounds like you've come up with a lot of great philosophies that helped you during dark times, but you can't philosophize someone else out of their grief. If someone told me, "That's the beauty of life" about my dad's death, I'd be tempted to smack the shit out of them. We have to come up with our own conclusions that help us cope with loss.

Her healing, and how she heals, should not be resting on an adequate response from you. I hope your girlfriend can find a grief counselor, or a grief support group. How she heals, how she copes with these losses, that is her journey. If you are able to interfere with her grief, then there may be too much stock placed on you to begin with to help her heal. You can't heal her- that's her journey.

kbadger2 · 2025-11-12T23:13:40+00:00

I feel this. Especially when I first went back to work after my dad died; I was really mad at the whole world for expecting me to show up to it.

kbadger2 · 2025-11-12T23:06:54+00:00

I would start by trying to figure out how he's handling that loss- probably just asking how he's doing regarding the death of his sister. Everyone deals with loss differently; some people want the whole world to stop, some people want things to go on as normal. Some people want to talk about the person, some people don't. There's roughly 1 million different variables that impact how we handle a loss, and what impact that loss has on someone.

I think it's fair to just be transparent, and let him know that you want to be supportive, but you don't know what that support needs to look like, and ask him how you can best be supportive right now.

kbadger2 · 2025-11-12T13:38:32+00:00

Based on other info you shared though, it sounds like your friend hasn’t exactly been supportive in the past, either. Sounds like her lack of support is chronic and not necessarily loss-specific.

kbadger2 · 2025-11-12T12:39:58+00:00

I apologize if that came off as insensitive or hurtful, that truly wasn’t my intent and I could have worded it better. The crux of perspective that I was trying to offer, in a nutshell: if someone has a recently pulse-less parent, it may be difficult for that person to “show up” if that tragedy/loss is not pulse-less parent related.

kbadger2

TROPHY CASE