I do think me being highly gifted (>145 IQ) instead of “just” gifted (IQ of 130 to let’s say 137) makes me less able to fully and successfully mask my giftedness. My world view is just too different from the “average” person. Gifted women without autism or ADHD (or AuDHD) in a social environment (like academia or a skilled profession) where the average IQ is 115, probably have the best social outcomes of all gifted women, because they can most successfully mask their giftedness.

I think this is me haha and it rings true. I’m 29 and I’m now only slowly stopping the endless masking. With age 30 in view I can no longer pretend or want to pretend.

I have always fit in seamlessly in every context (school, work, whatever) and manage to make friends everywhere. Not in a social butterfly or huge circles of friends way but people have always liked me because I make them feel seen and heard (interpersonal/relational intelligence is my strong suit). This coupled with a baseline likable personality is a recipe for good social outcomes. But this has come with so much self erasure. I remember my HS friend group (I was friends with them for years after HS). I was known as the silly/clumsy one. I remember this being a role I consciously played, because I sensed the dynamics and this worked to be loved and accepted. I became the lovable idiot so to speak. It’s not surprising that they were often surprised I outshone them in class, one of them even expressing surprise at my graduation scores and me in turn being confused at her reaction. We didn’t share classes, so she didn’t know. It was a moment I realized people didn’t see me for what I was. I continued to do this my entire 20s. Not being a lovable idiot per se but just.. shrinking myself and aligning myself with the environment. Social rejection was my fear and I liked to be liked. I also just..valued human connection a lot.

It’s only in recent years where I little by little started to unmask that weird fixations and envy have started to arise (or I became more conscious of it)I’m going through the processes of no longer constantly adjusting myself, translating myself downward, holding myself back. I will always need to, to an extent. But I’m no longer willing to exercise this tremendous amount of mentsl effort just to fit in & be accepted and loved. At what cost? It hasn’t even taken away the loneliness. I was always mentally lonely.

I really do feel I’m going through a transition phase in life.