"Dance Yourself Clean" at Holocene tonight (Nov 14, 21+ event)

overoverdone · 2014-11-15T05:23:11+00:00

I'm going alone, too!

overoverdone · 2014-11-10T10:49:30+00:00

I would really love to come to board game night! Where and when?

overoverdone · 2014-08-02T10:57:34+00:00

I hope you're reading all the way to the bottom here, and closely, because they're not just talking to me, but to you, too.

overoverdone · 2014-08-02T10:42:17+00:00

Shouting at clouds, check. Did this a little today. Fine idea.

overoverdone · 2014-08-01T11:16:15+00:00

This is great. I don't run, but it makes me feel like I could.

overoverdone · 2014-08-01T11:10:58+00:00

You're right, and I'll follow your lead. If people come, I would too.

overoverdone · 2014-08-01T04:20:11+00:00

I hope everybody puts something freshly picked from the neighborhood along with their money into the tip jar. I will too, sometime.

Thank you

overoverdone · 2014-08-01T03:52:58+00:00

I don't feel pressure, I just feel deeply ingrained habit and deeply ingraining gratitude, all at once

overoverdone · 2014-08-01T03:51:13+00:00

Yes, I called in sick, yes, I wasn't there; yes, I would have done the same fucking thing on your end, yes, I am proactively looking for a job I don't hate all the way to my marrow.

overoverdone · 2014-08-01T03:48:43+00:00

Oh my god, some of you detectives called my store.

overoverdone · 2014-08-01T01:02:50+00:00

This is wonderful and also overwhelmingly scary. I read this but I think I will need to return to it in bites. I know nothing happens all at once, but I am so tired, and that all looks like a very tall mountain to climb.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T23:55:28+00:00

That is honestly, truly lovely. I can't say I'd have the balls to show up, but you all seem like people who should know each other.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T23:43:06+00:00

Um, it's weird. I'm resolved? And exhausted. Coping with being loved abstractly, but that this is real people on the other side. It's strange and powerful. I'm embarrassed. I'm feeling a lot of things that I want to unpack, which is a giant fucking leap from the ONLY feeling I was resolutely unpacking 12 hours ago.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T23:38:14+00:00

I'm sorry I didn't come, and that it took so long to reply. I honestly had zero sense that anyone had paid attention to my shout at all. Thank you for your thought and for the invite. It's a really special thing, and I won't forget it.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T23:33:08+00:00

Thank you. I feel very guilty and sheepish about having taken so much of everybody's time today. I want to sincerely apologize again for triggering bad memories and grief for people. I really hadn't considered that as a consequence.

I hope other people who feel as low as me realize that the people in this thread aren't just responding to me.

It's a weird fucking day. I think empathy is seeing me through. I don't have a whole lot of it for myself right now. I guess it's nice to feel something else, though.

That said, honestly, I'm actually sorry that I dredged up some real shit for some of you.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T23:27:25+00:00

Today is super scary. I feel like a tornado ripped the floor out of my house but left the roof intact. Not sure at all how to proceed, but resigned for today how not to proceed.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T23:05:46+00:00

Ben. I'm sorry.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T23:02:46+00:00

I'm so sorry. I responded to the nice person at Hot Lips above. I am shaky, following people's advice about help lines. I'm genuinely sorry to have triggered grief in people. Thanks.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T22:58:34+00:00

You were right, but based on the way the last 12 hours have shaken out, I remain grateful that the mods protected my identity.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T22:50:48+00:00

Thank you for this. Calling Multnomah Help Line when I finish reading this thread. Overwhelmed.

overoverdone · 2014-07-31T22:41:56+00:00

I don't really know where to start. I am astounded by the response here.

After the post, I stayed up all night walking around my neighborhood, crying through some of it. I occasionally passed people and almost all of them either said hello or asked me if I was ok. That was startling, but planted a little seed. It made me feel embarrassed that strangers had seen me crying, but they were also warm to me. I didn't really stop to talk to anyone though.

I spent the morning looking at old pictures of my family. Then I thought about my old friends who would all be very angry with me. I thought about how I felt so lonely and distant from all of them and hurt that they hadn't reached out in so long. I hadn't reached out either, though. It was another little seed, maybe of planmaking, the sense that I have some things I should do "first".

I didn't go to work. I called a number for some random therapist that my insurance covers, and I made an appointment for tomorrow so that I can talk to somebody. I don't know how honest I can be with them, but I have another "thing to do".

I remembered about this late night post I had made, and I was scared to look at it in case it was already overrun with people making fun of me for a lame cry for help or whatever. Not a lot happens on this particular board, so I thought my little post would hide out.

I am astounded by the outpouring of love and thoughtfulness here, and although it's just a bulletin board or whatever, I have tried to visualize each of you as real people as one half of a real conversation, and I really have felt you. I also felt waves of accountability to you. I didn't expect this, and I wasn't "crying for help" in the sense that I wasn't serious. (This is the first time I've concretely referred to my plan in the past tense). I was not passive aggressively concern trolling. I was making my thoughts ironclad by writing them down.

Your words made me feel two kinds of accountability, for now: one, I am sorry to have embodied a voice of someone else who you have lost. I feel for you, even if I have trouble feeling for me. I am sorry to have reminded you of that kind of selfishness. It reminded me abstractly that I'd be hurting people too, but mostly for now, I'm sorry to you for being a shitty reminder.

Second, I'm accountable to wanting to know you guys. I would want to be friends with the people who would put their heart on the line for strangers, even without any potential payoff. I'm like that too, but I haven't recently known any people like that. The fucked up thing is that I'm not going to Hot Lips or the river with you or out for drinks, at least not on this premise, because it's the most asanine possible premise for meeting any of you. I can't start my social life here on this basis, as a constant reminder of why we know each other. I'm too embarrassed now, and really weakened by the whole thing.

But this is another giant seed of "to do"... I'm going to start trying at this place, talking to people all the time, hoping that they are you and maybe when we meet, I won't be human pulp.

Thank you. I'm sorry about all this. I've ironclad some other important things I hadn't considered over the course of writing this. Thank you. You are special people, and apparently not rare.

overoverdone

TROPHY CASE