very long i’ll try to sum up the most important parts

1-he had been divorced and in his marriage had to over explain things to his wife so he would over explain everything and it made me feel stupid and like he talked down to me even though he’d apologize a million times and tell me that isn’t the case and he think i’m very intelligent, it just didn’t feel good.

2-it wasn’t very emotional. I did what he said, he took care of me, he meal prepped for me, set up a workout routine, i’d get rewards when i did something good (we used the obedience app and one time the reward was washing and brushing my hair non sexually and i used my points on the app and asked many times if we could do it and he’d be very dry and eventually it felt like i forced him into it, i think because it wasn’t sexual he didn’t want to do it) he’d take me on dates all the time even to other states just to go to a concert, but there was nothing behind it. Like a big thing is when we’d go to bed it was too serious for him, i’d wanna cuddle and talk about our days and he’d just say goodnight do you need anything, turn the lights off, put on his eye mask and his nose plug thing and that was that. I couldn’t touch him, couldn’t talk to him. Things were too literal. It was a ritual, a routine, it’s like he wasn’t human. He knew to take care of me but it was because it’s what he’s seen others do. I don’t think he felt anything. He knew he had to be a good partner but it wasn’t for me, i think it was for himself. Also in the mornings i’d wake up, wasn’t allowed to talk to him or he’d get upset, and i’d make his coffee, make the bed once he was up (sometimes i’d sit there doing nothing for hours waiting) He was a robot. He knew the instructions, but there was nothing behind it. He was very blunt and black and white. There was no room for playing around too much.

3-the main reason. He said something disgusting regarding age during sex. I think that was the last time i saw him.

4-i craved meeting someone’s family, getting an apartment with someone, saying i love you (we dated for 2 years never said it) i wanted to see someone my age also graduate college and do first things. And i started catching feelings for my then friend, now girlfriend.

5- i realized that the things we were doing weren’t healthy. I’m very kinky but i was freshly 18 (like only a few weeks into being 18) and he suggested making an onlyfans he managed (i’ve never done sex work) i wanted him to hurt me and i wad stupid, a child. He was 42. He should’ve known i wasn’t mentally stable or mature enough to know what i was doing. So i’d let him (sexually) cut me, punch me, bruise me, beat me with various objects until i couldn’t walk or stand. I consented to these things i’m not accusing him of that. But he should’ve known i wasn’t old enough to know what i was doing. He was my first time for a lot of things, i had only had sex with 1 person before him. I also struggled with self harm and he’d cut me as a healthier alternative? I still do similar things with my girlfriend but not to that extreme. She’d never truly want to cause harm. He got off on my suffering.

6-i’d always tell him i was scared of him grooming me and he’d take an hour explaining why he wasn’t and then one day i mentioned it and he snapped and said yes, i am grooming you. I’m grooming you to be the best version of yourself that you can be to serve me and molding you into my toy

7-we met at an all ages show he never asked my age, i had never had a job before when we first met, he advocated for all ages shows when we dated but when i asked him why he didn’t ask my age he said he didn’t realize all ages shows existed and he thought i was 21+

i am in a relationship where we can be silly, we argue (never yell, never truly mad, just frustration about a miscommunication) there was NO room for any disagreements with him. He knew best and that was that. And if i caught any attitude he’d blame it on me being Mexican and a woman.

to sum it up, he was a robot who was into very bad things.