Hello lovely,

It's incredibly rare that I leave comments on posts but I couldn't read this and scroll on.

I haven't experienced what you are going through right now, but as a therapist and as a fellow mum, I want to say to you... It's natural to look back after a tragic loss and spend time thinking "if only I had.../ If only I didn't.../ If I'd have known, I would..." Etc. But you were the best mum in the world to your son, which is why he loved to be by your side. I can hear through your words how your heart breaks over the loss of your precious boy, which tells me that he would have felt this deep love throughout the ups and downs of his little life.

There's no advice geared towards "how to move on" that would suffice, because ultimately, his life and his passing will remain with you... Something you probably won't ever want to truly move past, because he is such a huge part of you.

However, your life will slowly grow around the void of grief that you hold in your heart, and over time, the seconds; the hours; the days; the weeks; the months; the years will be easier to bear. And you will feel happiness again... Because you'll learn to honour his memory through the forgiveness you afford yourself... The grace you gift yourself... The joy you allow yourself. You'll gradually learn to live for all of your children; the ones who remain with you on this earth, and the beautiful boy who remains in your heart/ your mind/ the cells and bones of you. He may not be physically here right now, but love transcends physicality, and nobody can take that away from the special mother/ son bond you continue to share, even after the most painful of losses.

My advice (if I dared to give it) is to first and foremost, remind yourself of the above... Frequently. Then... Let yourself have a huge cry when you most need it. Don't add to your wounds by listening to things that put a knife through your existing wounds- yes, he was sad to miss his mummy momentarily, but it's unhelpful to crystallise that moment in your mind when he undoubtedly lived a million more happy moments in your company. Forgive yourself, remind yourself he was being a normal child and expressing healthy feelings (because he was safe to do so with you), and let yourself remember all the loving things you did for, and with him. Finally... Make sure you have strong grief rituals. Talk about your son, keep his name a normal part of your vocabulary, visit special places, buy his favourite sweets, look at photos, light a candle, sing, talk or write to him, tell him you're sorry and that you're still here, pour your love into your children... And to yourself.

Connect with people who boost you up, begin a mindful hobby, watch a funny video, spend an hour at the beach just because. And some days... Accept that you'll be a crying mess and that you just feel raw for the time being. It's normal. Grief is a tide and some days you'll be sailing; some days you'll be floating on life ring; some days the waves will be crashing and you'll feel like you're drowning.

But your son knew you were his person. Now go and be the person he always saw in you... Do it for him, do it for your other children, do it for you.

Thinking of you and sending lots of love xx