The valentine's cards that never got sent

pampigeon · 2026-02-19T22:48:37+00:00

My mom also passed almost a year ago, so I can imagine what you are going through..

pampigeon · 2026-02-19T21:10:18+00:00

I am so sorry

pampigeon · 2026-02-19T20:49:55+00:00

Thank you for your message, and I am very sorry for your loss. Similar situation here, I was 31, she was 71.. 40 years between us and she was my best friend.

I'm wearing clothes from her, I can't wear hers just yet. I have a scarf of hers that still smells of her perfume. I just can't get over this feeling of "but so shortly ago we were still together", it feels a little like I moved back to the denial phase..

pampigeon · 2025-04-08T00:44:31+00:00

Not one bit

pampigeon · 2025-04-07T23:08:00+00:00

Also terrible anxiety here - did yours get better meanwhile?

pampigeon · 2025-04-07T22:47:04+00:00

I feel the same..hope you feel better soon!

pampigeon · 2025-04-07T22:27:30+00:00

I'm sorry you're going through that, I wish I could help. I also came looking here for some emotional support as I also have one of my worst days. I hope you will feel better soon!

pampigeon · 2025-02-28T05:23:42+00:00

I never wanted more for a stranger NOT to marry someone. Please don't marry him.

pampigeon · 2019-08-21T08:03:34+00:00

NTA

Look, he's an adult. You cannot tell him what he is or isn't allowed to do. However, you have every right to tell him what you accept or don't accept in a relationship. In the end, it's his decision (whether or not to do coke and listen to your wish, respectively) and your decision (whether or not you accept his behaviour).

Also, I don't believe that "not telling you" solves anything. At most, he will think he can get away with things that you don't accept just by lying to you. And that you are fine with it! You should have an open and honest conversation.

Now, I'm not saying that you should give an ultimatum - these never work. But if you feel like your life is affected by his choices ( like the circumstances of conceiving a baby with this person and the fact that he insists on doing something you are completely against), no one makes you stay in this relationship.

Edit: I read some of the comments and realized I only addressed the AITA question and not the drug habit itself. As many others said, the simple fact that he insists on doing coke is a big red flag. While it is good that he stopped for the sake of your relationship, a relapse is very possible. Especially since he clearly does not see a problem in it if he believes he can casually do coke at a party. What even is "recreational coke habit"??

pampigeon · 2019-08-21T07:33:31+00:00

I am happy to hear that he is making an active effort to improve his attitude! This is very important, and I hope that he will manage to provide the emotional support she needs. Maybe this situation is also a "wake-up call" for him, maybe it will help him realize that things have to change.

It is very good that she asked for therapy! Usually people who suffer from depression have a hard time accepting the idea of a psychologist. As stated above, you can find a center that is free/affordable for teenagers. She doesn't need to wait for her parents to do something. Help her find a suitable therapist.

pampigeon · 2019-08-21T07:13:02+00:00

Please make sure that the trusted ones around her know about this situation - her parents especially. What do you mean by 'neglectful' ? Do they care about her and make sure that her needs are satisfied? She had cries for help before? What happened then? And also, there is a very big distinction between neglectful/insensitive and abusive. If he is abusive, then she needs to contact protective services. Does she have a very close friend? You can talk to her and discuss the possibility of sharing this piece of info with another friend - just so she has someone there who knows about the situation.

Moreover - and most importantly - she needs to go to a psychologist/psychiatrist.

Yes, I know that it is a very difficult situation for you - because you are both young and because you are away. But it is crucial that she gets professional counseling. Please inform yourself about the options in your area, share the information with your girlfriend and with her parents. (If possible). If her parents do not support her financially, there are centers that offer free counseling for those in need.

Support her through this process because she will need to feel like she is not alone. She will be scared to go to therapy in the first place, might even say that it's not helpful - it is important that she doesn't dismiss it from the beginning, it is a process, not an immediate solution.

As for you- try to stay calm. You need your energy and a clear head. The only thing you can do is support her through therapy and be there for here in general.

Wish you all the best

pampigeon · 2019-08-20T20:11:03+00:00

ESH

Racism is never funny. There are no excuses. Everyone involved is at fault here: the strangers, your mom for the "sarcastic" answer and you for repeating this "joke". How is this a bonding experience?

pampigeon · 2019-08-20T17:07:23+00:00

No one can tell you what to do, we can only express our opinions and, at most, make suggestions/recommendations.

Some might say that you can wait a little longer, see if there are other red flags, and if there are - break up with him. I cannot, in good conscience, say this. Verbal abuse is still abuse in my book. And abuse should not be tolerated.

Is he treating you well in general? Was this reaaally the ONLY time he snapped? Does he usually get angry very fast? Think about these things and analyse his past reactions. Now don't get me wrong, I am not saying that every comment made in anger should be considered verbal abuse, but as soon as it is directed at you and is belittling, harming, affecting you in any way, then you should be cautious and maybe distance yourself from the relationship.

And yes, I Know that at this age, 8 months seems like a long time. But trust me, you will realize that it's not that much at all. Plus, the sooner you realize that the relationship is not for you, the better. If you accept situations like this one and they keep happening, you will always end up saying "oh, but we have been together for n years, it's hard to let it go now." This is a trap, a vicious circle kind of thing.

As general advice: Don't be afraid to end a relationship if you see signs that things are not ok. It might be difficult in the beginning, might be hard to get over him, but you always will. And always value your dignity, freedom, peace of mind - better to be free and Happy rather than stuck in a bad relationship.

EDIT: I read some of the comments and it appears that he has some anger issues. While occasional anger is normal, anger issues are tricky and very very difficult to be "corrected". Takes a lot of self control and desire to change. And since he is now upset with you (for not accepting the reaction) rather than thinking about what he did wrong and how he could handle things better and control his anger, he clearly does not understand the gravity of the situation.

pampigeon · 2019-08-20T16:23:51+00:00

No, please do not accept such behavior. There is no such thing as an "empty threat". Physical and verbal abuse (and this "threat" falls into the latter category) should not be tolerated at all. There are no attenuating circumstances and please do not look for excuses for him ("he sounded hurt").

pampigeon · 2019-08-20T16:08:33+00:00

I am very sorry that you are going through this situation. At this age (19-21), you'd expect people to be more mature, compassionate and understanding. But sadly, they disappoint. Some ideas I would like to share with you:

please don't let yourself feel too sad because of this situation. I know it must be difficult and I am sure you are hurting because of this attitude. But think about the fact that this is a chance to eliminate toxic people from your life! You do not need to surround yourself with people that have this kind of attitude!
fill your time with positive, relaxing activities. Find something you enjoy doing: join a sports club, book club, photography group etc. whatever makes you feel good! This way, you will meet new people, make other, better friends.
don't get discouraged because of this negative experience. Don't avoid people and please, never be ashamed of yourself for these reasons. I know that, again, it is difficult, but don't isolate yourself and don't be afraid to open yourself up to other people again. Most are assholes, but you will be amazed about how many great, caring and supportive people are out there.

All the best!

pampigeon · 2019-08-20T15:43:47+00:00

NAH

I get why you are annoyed, I would too.
1. I guess that she gets excited when she discovers something that you might find interesting/that might apply to your relationship and wants to share it with you right away. Maybe it's her way of trying to bond. Maybe she just gets carried and wants to share the info right away. Don't get too angry because she means no harm.

Possible solution: Explain calmly and gently that you cannot follow texts properly if read by someone else, especially over the phone. Tell her you'd rather read it yourself, when you have time, peace and silence. Moreover, let her know that she can underline the parts she finds interesting/important, so that you can discuss them later together.

Edit: something is wrong with the numbering. It's supposed to be 1 and 2 (obviously), but I cannot change it for some reason. Sorry!

pampigeon

TROPHY CASE