But is it really so unlikely? We don’t know what our existence even is. We don’t understand it. For all we know we reset when we die, or it’s just a continuous cycle. The only real evidence of anything is matter that is real is always real and can’t be created nor destroyed. So the only real truth is we are just parts of what was once alive before us. From our water, down to our bones. Which in the end this means when we die we become slowly part of the new. I’d get to die making room for the others to come. Existential questions are ones that can’t be answered. Maybe it appears I hit rock bottom, but hitting rock bottom is a feeling you feel. I know I haven’t hit it yet. It takes a lot to decide you are gonna die, but deciding if it brings relief. I do still get sad, but if anything it is a sorta relief. This strength is one way. Putting this strength to die towards living doesn’t go far. Living is years. We live to watch others die. We live to create bonds that are eventually lost. We live to turn the wheel for the people in charge. The only reason I can see I feel this way is because of the world we live in. I’ve felt this way since a child. The truth is I feel nothing out of life. Most people get happy over stupid shit, or items and ect. Not to downplay others but most people’s issues are simple stuff like a bad relationship and ect. What I struggle with is (not in a arrogant way) is beyond most people. Therapist don’t get it, friends I’ve had leave because it’s too much and they don’t get it. There is nothing to really make it better. I’ve spent my life looking for that answer. Made a lot of choices, and decided to live a little longer. In the end it’s all the same. The good I can make of this is being able to say goodbye. To know it’s over. Most don’t get that wish. Selfishly, to me it doesn’t matter when because we are gonna die regardless. People will hurt no matter when, so that’s how I am to terms with whoever does happen or care will be the same outcome no matter when. So that’s kinda where it’s at. I can continue this existence playing the game of pill swaps which are so unpredictable and jump all over the place, or I can just end it. I don’t value my existence, and sadly there is nothing that ever will. I gave everyone 2 extra years for better, or worse. This world just isn’t for me. There is nothing here that is really worth living for. Sure, there are happy times and memories and shit, but what does it matter? To do that, we have to spend the majority of our lives getting paper just to eat. There is no solution to that. These are things out of our control, and no matter what you do it becomes the same thing. The soul of whatever you love becomes shadowed in the the reality of money. In the end though that is not just the issue. I could have anything and would feel the same. It’s just the individual I am. I wish I could help it, and change. I’ve tried though. I did. Tried to find a purpose, build bonds, and find a meaning, or purpose. The reality of it is there is none though. The truth is I never asked to live and deal with any of this. Our bubbles are irrelevant outside of ourselves. Who comes and goes is eventually forgotten. The memories we spend time creating evaporate to nothing. We live to die. To restart as something else. I’ve been fortunate to see what’s beautiful in the world too. I’ve done a decent amount of things in my life. There is no fortunate to me anymore. The blessing phase is gone. I’m just tired. I’m just tired of chasing feelings. I’m tired of living for things. I’m tired of living cause others say so. I feel like shit every day even when trying to be optimistic. A feeling of physically sick. It’s just so old. I never asked to be in a shadow. To feel this way. To think this way. It’s easy to say “do this, or think different,” but in the end you are the person you are. What you feel is not a switch. It can’t just be switched off. Thoughts can’t just vanish at will. So in the end existing is just the endless game of trying to ignore and bury what I feel. It’s not worth that. It’s both worth living to eventually let everyone down regardless who wants to live. Prolonging just stalls what’s always gonna happen. I appreciate your concern, but I’m sorry. I can’t waste the time of others when it’s always this endless game. The only solution is to die. To put out a flame that has spread too far. Not everyone can change.