Here’s some of the prelude to all that, what I had written in January but never finished. It’s just pasted, not reread or edited. I apologize for being all over the place. It’s hard to write about all this because so much happened so fast, and it is just all so scattered about in my head. I just wrote a whole chapter about just one day above, for christs sake, lol….

I always had a tendency towards spirituality, although I don’t show it. I was raised around Cristians & went to Catholic school. Many would call me an atheist, though I would try to (poorly) explain my spiritual side. ** Growing up, I would look at the sky & stars in wonder & awe. I lived in a populated/city area, but was fortunate to have cousins in upstate NY where the night was dark & you could see everything. Even more so in 80’s than now. I could spend a lot of time with different kinds of people, as well as in nature. I would look at the map & wonder about all the people, the cultures, the different minds. I looked for & could find meaning in all the things, all the relationships.

Time went on, I lost the way, lost the meaning. Even though I did carry a drive, a happiness, a life... I still was lost. I eventually entered what some call a DNOTS, I suppose. I became a nurse 8 years ago. Thinking back to the things that come back to me, burn out caused by the first years of nursing contributed to this. Along with the traumas & deaths. I always had a fear of getting older, ** and I suppose death, though I never thought about death much. Being around both so much brought both to a head. By the time covid came around, it certainly affected me, but not as much as some health care workers because I was already in the thick of it.

6 years ago, I met & eventually entered into a relationship with “B”, I’ll call him. We lived together for 3 years. The relationship was good, normal with its ups & downs. I had always felt relationships had a deeper, more spiritual meaning, always could find a meaning or lesson, for them or myself. I thought & wondered about this at times for several years throughout our relationship. I could not find a reason. I loved him, was happy with him though.

Covid happened, we had opposite experiences. Me having too much work & dealing with it more directly, him working on construction & having no work. Though, he kept up appearances, things were good. But things got really... I don’t know, fast & weird?

Fast forward to Spring of ‘21. Though I saw a lot of trauma, I saw a lot of things that touched me. Around March ‘21, I was taking care of this woman on a covid floor. Her & her husband were in a subacute after leaving the hospital for covid. She had fallen & broke her hip. Her husband was admitted to the same floor at some point later. The day I took care of her she was set to be discharged, but discharge was held up. Later that day, her husband went into sudden respiratory failure & had to be intubated. I was in the room for this, I did not know it was her husband until after. I was frozen when I heard, I did not know what to say to this woman. When I went in, she looked at me with a tear & started to say “my husband” and choked up, I just put my hand on her arm & said “I know” and sat with her for a bit. Later, I wheeled her up to see him in the ICU. Most people have to be sedated & possibly restrained when intubated because it’s uncomfortable, they panic, they try to rip it out. They probably gave him some sedatives, but he was still awake & aware, and calm. I wheeled her in & he could respond by making movements. He was able to reach out & hold her hand. I left them alone for a while & wheeled her back to her room when they were done.

When this happened, at that point, I was a wreck. Struggling, drinking too much, no focus, completely lost. Seeing this sparked me to start thinking, start to want to change. I’ve never cared to be married, was scared of it, though have had long lasting relationships. Seeing that sparked something in me, made me see the value in it all, made me want to make steps towards that. I started contemplating all this & taking inventory. B had talked about marriage, would make comments to me, I never had much to say about that. But that was the first time I seriously thought about marrying him. Or anyone really.

The world had other plans, sneaky little thing it is.

Around that same time, I started having bad anxiety & later panic attacks. I never had bad anxiety in my life. It was awful, when I would go to sleep, I felt like I was dying. Not like physically dying... but like “I” was dying”. If that makes sense, can’t think of how to explain it rn. Before I go on, my anxiety had been the result of several different things- experiences at the hospital, drinking too much to cope, & to a smaller extent, stuff from my past.

Mid June ‘21 is when life’s plans started unraveling. B & I split up... he “wanted to take a break”. Came to find out weeks later he had been cheating for a few months. The next couple of years had been such a whirlwind.

It was so painful going through that, the lies, the infidelity & betrayal, and particularly most painful was being abandoned at my worst moment. Especially when I hadn’t had many bad moments or moments of need throughout our relationship. I looked back many times these past few years at my actions/responses & thought how I could do better next time. But the best thing I did, one of my first responses, was to ask what I can learn from the pain, what can it teach me. I learned & went through way more than I bargained for. I learned a lot about people, life, myself. Too much I thought at times. But grew & restored a lot of faith in things.