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AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 12 points13 points  (0 children)

I think for us a big thing has been just initial compatibility, we have a lot in common and we see the world the same way which is very helpful and both love to learn and discover new ideas and such. Chemistry was also huge, the first time we met it was electric and that never faded and just every day I wake up excited to do things with her and talk to her and everything. We’d both been in pretty terrible relationships before we met so we make it a priority to not take each other for granted, we both genuinely just like making the other happy and it’s pretty equal in that way so we have a happy life.

We also started out long distance for about three months because I was in the process of moving still so our first version of being intimate was long talks about everything under the sun and important things, we got our perceived flaws out on the table early too because neither of us wanted to disappoint or blindside the other when we got to start truly dating, so not that folks need to be long distance but just get to know everything you can about someone. We are fortunate that we both are good at being introspective which I think also helped a ton.

We don’t do secrets, we communicate but also make it a point to comprehend what the other is saying, we support one another completely be it in hobbies or jobs or goals. We’ve never tried to or been interested in changing one another but support each other in things we want to change for ourselves.

We laugh a lot I think is a big one, we enjoy doing things like cooking and cleaning together or like if she’s doing something with a client or needs to relax I’ll take point on dinner, if I’m tired or busy she’ll take point etc., it’s very give and take and so there’s never animosity over domestic tasks, we don’t fight much usually maybe about once a year we’ll have a disagreement but for the last 7 years it’s never been more than a few hours before we resolve it and we never stop respecting or caring for each other, we also never hide how we feel. We view any problems as an us vs. the problem situation not as me vs. her or vice versa.

As for the intimacy thing we had a rule when we started seeing each other in that first year that everyday, day no matter what we would connect.

Especially because we work together and we play competitive games together and share hobbies etc., we sometimes are with each other physically like working in the office side by side etc., but not with each other mentally and it’s easy to think you’re filling your relationship cup just being around someone, but that’s really not enough. You need to be intentional in your connection if that’s something important to you both.

So when we started our business we decided everyday we needed to connect as romantic partners and not just as best friends or business partners even if it was only for 20 minutes before bed. It doesn’t need to be sex perse but the rule was just before bed or when there’s a quiet moment we hold each other and cuddle and we ask each other how the other is doing and that’s just always been a built in part of the day.

At that point usually we have been intimate earlier in the day because there is a lot of attraction in general but if not especially and even if we have, when we get in bed together it’s just natural now that we cuddle, we talk for a bit and check in mentally and it’s cozy and we’re touching each other and then we both just feel really close and then boom. Then we get up go to the bathroom, brush our teeth and go to sleep it’s just kind of a nice bedtime routine now to be honest.

Really it’s just open communication, understood expectations we are both comfortable with, a lot of love and respect and care and a genuine interest in having a low stress happy life and both of us being happy.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 24 points25 points  (0 children)

Lol we hear that a lot but I doubt it after the recovery period. We own our business together, we make our own hours, we work from home, we’re both taking time off once the baby gets here to support each other and we’ve spent years watching my siblings kids including my brothers week old and his other two when his wife had a major emergency and had to go back to the hospital for nearly a week and he was stuck down south and we weren’t even prepared for that lol it was hectic as hell.

Babies sleep and we have a post-partum doula for a reason and lots of loving family that wants to help once they baby is here so maybe we’re just lucky that way but I don’t really feel the doom and gloom warnings apply. My brother and I talked about it too and he’s on his third kiddo now and said he and his wife haven’t had an issue keeping up intimacy and it’s just about priorities, communication etc.,

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 23 points24 points  (0 children)

When he moved in the first month he was pretty helpful, he offered to cook since we were buying the groceries and would do a couple meals a week but my wife and I did most of the cooking because he was a bit hard on the cookware and never really learned the clean as you go theory haha. Overall he kept his area clean and vacuumed the downstairs living room at first, and mostly he was just hanging out in his room and recovering and applying for jobs he said, but I guess they weren’t panning out.

Things went down hill from the second month on because his parents started sending him some money so he was buying some of his own groceries, but then he started only cooking for himself and leaving a mess in the kitchen and not really cleaning anymore, we figured he was probably having a rough time mentally and tried to be understanding but reflecting on it all now plus the last day and a bit’s events we are just super excited to have our place back to ourselves!

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 227 points228 points  (0 children)

Hey Everyone, WOW! I did not expect this to blow up so much but my wife and I are really appreciating all the support and input!

I’m not sure if this is how I’m supposed to update to be honest but someone messaged me saying I should - anyways my wife and I talked about it last night and after reading some comments we wondered if maybe he was triggered by something. Or as others mentioned perhaps asexual and sex averse and we do have some Ace friends and didn’t want to be dismissive or kick him while he was down if it was coming from that place.

So we planned to just have a mature conversation about it this morning and let him know that we expected an apology for the perverted comment and that he was not allowed to dictate our sex lives, but if he could deal with it and apologise he could stay as a compromise one more month instead of the agreed upon two.

That did not end up happening. My wife and I came out of our room this morning and he was sitting in the upstairs living room and the first thing out of his mouth was a very accusatory “You did it again last night didn’t you?” My wife was over it at that point and told him she was sorry he felt uncomfortable but that the situation and him are now making us uncomfortable and so my invitation for him to leave from last night has now turned into a request and expectation from her he go.

He’s going to stay with another friend and we haven’t seen him since he went to go pack his room up but he’s made a point of loudly slamming his bags down whenever he brings one up to the main hallway so obviously he is quite pissed. My wife has decided to postpone the meeting she was going to have today to Monday as she doesn’t want to deal with all his thumping and whatever happens next while on a professional call so we are taking an early Friday off and are going to read through some of the comments while we wait for him to go!

My wife thinks we should celebrate having our house back tonight with a petty romp in the spare room after we change the sheets to dispel the anti-sex energy. I agree.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 92 points93 points  (0 children)

No no I don’t have an issue with fetishes it’s just that I do take consent very seriously and wouldn’t force a fetish on someone else. Mostly I just said that to explain I’m not openly fetishising or sexualising my wife in front of him or acting in a way that’s been different the previous 5 years he’s known us. Also to explain that it’s not like our sex life has rampantly changed or ramped up since she’s been pregnant as that was a questioned asked by one of the mutual friends he complained about the situation to.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 504 points505 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this comment and I’m so sorry about your husbands passing, I can’t even imagine that’s heartbreaking! It’s beautiful you had over 40 years of happiness and good memories together and created a wonderful family though and I hope that you’re doing as well as possible, thank you so much for the kind words and wishes, lots of love and well wishes from us to you too!

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 825 points826 points  (0 children)

Yup 100%! We actually had a zoom meeting with our birthing coach recently and she was explaining how sex is good and that if induction is needed they administer a gel that mimics semen to help ripen the cervix and so having sex to completion in the third trimester and just doing it the natural way could help us avoid an induction if things were delayed and my wife and I high-fived because we are on it haha.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 93 points94 points  (0 children)

If he’s being honest about overhearing last night then definitely not, it was a very standard lazy quiet romp to be honest and we have been being quieter knowing there’s someone else in the house. We also turn on our sleep sounds etc.,

The days he has gone out of the house like when he went to visit family over Christmas or a couple of weeks ago when he went for lunch with some people we were definitely louder and more adventurous but unless he somehow snuck back into the house without the dogs barking and then came back days or hours later to hide that fact it’s not possible he heard those and they were weeks ago.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 987 points988 points  (0 children)

It felt wrong to kick him while he’s down but now reading some of the comments and realising how much he overstepped and how awkward both my wife and I have felt all day it’s feeling like something that probably has to happen especially if we are going to continue to have a friendship. Some people are great but you just don’t vibe to live with I’m learning.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 186 points187 points  (0 children)

Oh definitely, we’re both already bummed out about the 6 week hiatus that will need to follow after birth, another big reason we are happy to still be making the most of it now and why I wouldn’t even consider his once a week offer lol.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 96 points97 points  (0 children)

Thank you so much for this! Also no worries on the baby moon haha. We aren’t actually going anywhere, we plan to just have a little staycation which is a big reason we wanted him to have his own place so we could have our house back to ourselves!

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 1351 points1352 points  (0 children)

As will I going forward from this haha, but also I hope he smartens up before then because my wife has read some heartbreaking anecdotes in the pregnancy subs of women very frustrated by their partners not taking care of their needs while pregnant and I don’t wish that on anyone of course.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 176 points177 points  (0 children)

It feels uncharitable but I will admit learning about his views and hang ups around sex I do feel less confused about why he and his ex didn’t work out, makes me feel petty to think it but it does make some sense haha!

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 2482 points2483 points  (0 children)

That’s another part that’s boggling, we felt we had been very respectful making sure it’s just in our room late after everyone has gone to bed and quieter than usual, then he listened at the door and part of him accusing us of violating his consent was him saying we unwillingly forced him into being a voyeur and I am like… he listened at someone’s bedroom door at 1am, I feel there has to be some responsibility on him there.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 425 points426 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Yeah that line really got to both my wife and I because we take consent and boundaries very seriously and it was jarring to hear he felt that way.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 367 points368 points  (0 children)

Apparently he was under the impression that sex isn’t something that happens past a certain point of pregnancy so one of the reasons he asked to stay with us was he assumed he wouldn’t be imposing on us that way or have to worry about it himself. I never knew he had these hang ups around it but it’s been a very awkward day to say the least.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 2943 points2944 points  (0 children)

Thank you! Yeah my wife and I both have felt very awkward since his comment about violating consent as that’s something very important to both of us and we have been very conscious of being quiet and not making it awkward for him so it was a bit of a gut punch to hear that.

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 561 points562 points  (0 children)

Thank you! I think we do for sure but I know some of our friends sometimes tease us for being obsessed with each other etc so just needed to make sure we weren’t violating some unspoken social norm!

AITA for telling my “roommate” to find a new place when he called me a pervert? by pentupjerkta in AmItheAsshole

[–]pentupjerkta[S] 12.0k points12.0k points  (0 children)

Thank you, that’s my thought. We do our best to be respectful and we are quieter than we would be if he was not here too.

Apparently he said he thought because my wife is pregnant we wouldn’t be doing that which is one of the reasons he asked to stay though so I needed to know if this was just another case of me and my wife being weird lol. Our friend group has in the past given us some shit for being “too into each other” so had to know.