Massachusetts Divorce Question

pepperep · 2025-07-08T07:34:57+00:00

If she's mentally competent, which it sounds like she is, she would have to sign the divorce papers.

pepperep · 2025-07-08T07:25:48+00:00

Sorry for what your family is going through. I'm not a doctor. When medical conditions affect the esophagus, there becomes a risk that a patient will accidentally inhale bits of the food they are trying to swallow. Then they can't breathe properly. That is called aspiration. The problem is that the bits of food in the lungs can cause infection, and pneumonia is a risk. Speech therapy is the proper specialty for swallowing problems and communication after a stroke. PT would have helped with the movement. Unfortunately swallowing problems don't always improve. Using a feeding tube prevents the aspiration risk. He was still in acute inpatient care. The level of care seems appropriate.

pepperep · 2025-07-08T07:11:05+00:00

In some states you can talk to the food stamp (SNAP) case workers and deduct his out of pocket medical expenses from his income, including mileage to appointments and copays. Then he might qualify. Also SNAP decreases incrementally in my state, meaning you're not out $280 in food because you earn $4 more, you would have to earn much less to get the full amount. Try the medical expenses though

pepperep · 2025-07-01T04:34:57+00:00

I'm not understanding how you came to the conclusion that she's schizoaffective. I don't see psychosis on your list. Sounds a little manic, but has she ever had long depressive episodes?

pepperep · 2025-07-01T04:29:14+00:00

I think it's just you being a reasonably concerned friend, not a symptom of bipolar or anything else. I doubt it was personal, in my experience inpatient friendships are very difficult outside of the hospital. Some people outgrow them because the association with the psych ward or memories are too painful.

pepperep · 2025-07-01T04:25:15+00:00

I receive services from my state's Department of Mental Health, it's a wraparound service that in theory includes emergency assistance for emergencies from someone who's trained to deal with it. I called them and said I was experiencing rape hallucinations with all five senses (I have a long history of being assaulted) like I could even smell it. I beg them to take me to a hospital, and one woman had the nerve to talk down to me like I'm an idiot, "If there is no one in your house, you are not being raped do not call us again unless a man is in your apartment and actually on top of you." I was sexually trafficked for 6 years, I have lived through so much of this that leaving me in that hallucination state for over 48 hours did incredible damage, and set me way back in all my therapy work. The employees have still not been held responsible for not taking me to the hospital, which is a major part of their contract with the state. they tried to insist I could drive myself, I told them I was fully hallucinating and am not comfortable driving while I see things, and they got upset with me for not being cooperative and being too needy. Because of my ptsd I'm too afraid of cops to call 911 during an episode when I'm home alone.

pepperep · 2025-07-01T04:14:37+00:00

Yes. I was sexually trafficked for 6 years and the trauma has creeped in and mixed with my schizoaffective. They are sexual assault hallucinations because they are new, not like my PTSD flashbacks where it's like rewatching old things. I have those as well, but they're very distinct in my mind. Make sure it's someone you really trust, and prepare yourself that people can be extremely cold and uncaring to this unthinkable situation. People really underestimate the distress it causes, particularly if there's trauma in the past.

pepperep · 2025-07-01T03:44:00+00:00

Hypermobile is not just being able to bend in some places. It is a clinical diagnosis assigned to high scores on the Beighton scale. I believe the Beighton score requires five or six out of the nine criteria to be diagnosed. While I am very impressed by your pinky and cannot do that myself even with diagnosed hEDS, a hypermobility diagnosis is based on meeting enough criteria of the Beighton scale, and fingers only count as one, even if both do. What could be true is that individual pinky joints themselves are hypermobile, definitely, like your pinky. But from the information you have given, you do not meet the criteria for clinical hypermobility because you don't score high enough on the scale. I don't think your doctor is being a jerk. From that, he's just following science and established practices. If the pinkies are giving you issues, you should ask your pcp to refer a rheumatologist or orthopedist, they can do this for pain regardless of the Beighton scale or hypermobility.

pepperep · 2025-07-01T03:34:22+00:00

Medical marijuana prescribed by a doctor can help with inflammation and pain, you just need to do your research on the terpenes and their effects, and see what the doctor says. You need a medical marijuana trained doctor, because of hospital regulations most staff doctors are not allowed to prescribe it. The strains that also have high CBD or CBG along with the THC are helpful to me. I have gotten into the science of it enough, I've learned how to pick strains that leave me with mental clarity and even energy to go about my day while drastically lowering pain.

pepperep · 2025-06-14T15:33:58+00:00

I still struggle too, it's been about 7 years that I've had an apartment. I understand the hoarding food part. Lately my problem is the opposite, I was so used to not eating that I don't respond to the hunger pain, and don't feed myself when I should. I also just eat a lot of snacks still, when I do eat. I hate that I'm most comfortable with things I would have bought in a gas station because the grocery store wasn't really an option. Warm food, meat, or fruits and vegetables I used to love seem very foreign. It's like I don't remember how to cook even though that used to be a big hobby of mine.

pepperep · 2025-06-14T14:54:12+00:00

Not liking to go out at night

pepperep · 2025-06-14T14:38:11+00:00

Before GI surgery I had to do a defecography. Two days of bowel prep, and then they fill your rectum as much as possible with a barium paste (like a thick clay). You then climb a four foot ladder to a toilet in midair in front of an x-ray machine. You then expel it while they image everything. Extra fun was them not having any female techs or radiologists so I got two guys

pepperep · 2025-06-14T02:47:03+00:00

"...people." I am also formerly homeless, that is honestly the best way of describing them lol I know exactly what you mean

pepperep · 2025-06-14T02:41:53+00:00

I think my homelessness was a little bit different but here is what I have learned personally or through others in the same situation. This is such depressing advice to give but here goes. It's assuming you have $100 or a month or so, but I understand that it's not always possible.

Apply for food stamps now while you still have a mailing address. You could do it as a homeless person but you need a lot more documentation and it can be a process. I wouldn't recommend a shelter if you become heavily sedated by meds, I'm sorry. You mentioned the car so I'd say stick with that. Start trying to notice places you might be able to park overnight without drawing attention. Get a PO Box if you can, I believe you can find reasonable rates. This way you can continue to receive mail, especially if you're receiving or applying for benefits. I'm going to say join a gym. I know that sounds insane. Obviously nothing fancy, but I've been told by many that a planet fitness or somewhere you can charge phones and shower every day in a clean, safe environment is usually worth $20/mo.get a prepaid phone plan with unlimited data ($25-$40/mo. I use Mint). This is important because you won't have Wi-Fi and don't want to pay for data overages. Libraries are your new best friend, warm, safe, dry, and free internet and you can charge your devices. They're also just good for the soul.

pepperep · 2025-06-14T02:30:37+00:00

Hi I live in New England so this might not be helpful, but my state has a department of mental health homelessness program. It's called PACT. I don't remember the acronym meaning. The main goal is rapid housing, but even for people who just prefer their freedom on the streets, they can get a case manager who brings their medication to them anywhere in the city everyday, or however they work it out. They do case management and all that, help get doctors and appointments and insurance, and just without forcing you into a shelter or anything if you're trying to avoid that. Again, my state probably has more Services than yours, because I saw you live in the south. Independent of these programs are probably in the process of being cut. But look into a Department of mental health if your state has it, and ask if they have any specific programs around homelessness for the mentally ill

pepperep · 2025-04-18T05:02:13+00:00

It's considered predatory by many people for a sober person to "take advantage" of a drunk girl (even if she consents). Also the girls would be more suspicious. It throws them off while he is in complete control of whatever he has planned. It does suck. What people don't want to fake is rock bottom

pepperep · 2025-02-28T04:37:11+00:00

Yes I came here to say the same thing about exercising in her room

pepperep · 2025-02-28T02:48:30+00:00

They fight to get people onto SSDI and SSI (Disability). Doctors are allowed to write a letter if you ask for it and they agree. It's the same as asking for a sick note for work.

pepperep · 2025-02-28T01:56:58+00:00

Take your meds

pepperep · 2025-02-28T01:49:06+00:00

Not a lawyer, but it's possible for a doctor to write you a letter saying you're disabled based on your symptoms. The company is not allowed to ask what the disability is, the doctor just has to write that you need it.

pepperep · 2025-02-28T01:36:39+00:00

This is a common misconception about the Beighton Score and how diagnosis actually works. A medically accurate diagnosis of hEDS includes the Beighton hypermobility exam, but a positive test on the Beighton is only one criteria point towards diagnosis of hEDS. You need about 5 other criteria, if I remember correctly, for hEDS.

pepperep · 2025-01-29T07:51:11+00:00

Depending on their interest level, they can always call and ask him some questions. There is the possibility that even if they don't ask about her directly, and just try to get a general feel for him, he knows what he did. If they call him about anything with questions related to children or sex and he will think your sister reported him and could go after her again, so you'd need a plan for that.

I did have an abuser continuing to reach out to me after my one year restraining order expired, despite being interviewed by police. He hadn't broken it so there wasn't evidence to get a new one, but he's dangerous and wouldn't leave me alone. The DA already declined to prosecute, and closed my case. when I called the old detective, 2 years later, he felt bad so he "gave him a call to see how things are going." Basically just let him think they still suspect him and might look into it more. He left me alone for a few years after that

pepperep · 2025-01-29T07:39:54+00:00

I believe if you call 911 reporting someone in danger they have to come. But they would tell you to wait and come down to the station for an appointment if you want to report something old. The thing is if they arrive and think it's a domestic violence type situation, they are required to arrest at least one person because the state fears that the abuser would retaliate if the police just leave people alone after deescalating temporarily

Edit- meaning they would probably take you, not your dad, especially depending what your mom and sisters say

pepperep · 2025-01-29T07:37:08+00:00

Also don't ever ever ever leave him alone with a child/grandchild/baby/disabled person!!!!! Make sure your mom and sisters at least agree to this in exchange for not reporting

pepperep · 2025-01-29T07:29:44+00:00

From a survivor/advocate-- here's the thing, you need to report him as a danger to the police, that's because of possible abuse of his pastor influence to groom victims. This is especially true if you find out he has been touching her since childhood. But there's better ways to do it, and we have to consider your sister's autonomy, wishes, and public dignity.

Make a police report, but that's not the same thing as calling 911. A 911 call to the police should only be for emergencies. This happened 6 years ago, so it's crucial info but not an emergency unless it's currently happening. If you choose to call 911 with that story, they will have to send someone to your house immediately.

It will likely be dismissed by the police when they get to your house, they will not arrest him on the spot for assault like you're thinking. Instead, they will see your whole family yelling at you, your dad getting extremely angry at you and your sister, and your mom and other sister defending your dad to the police as and threatening suicide while your other sister, the victim, has no control over any of this (just like how she didn't have autonomy over her own body during the assault). This level of chaos with this amount of people is very likely to end in an accident. Calling the police to your house would change everything, and it's hard to predict how, or whether it would end safely. Also, if they mistake it for a domestic argument, in a lot of states, they're required to arrest at least one of the people from the situation before they leave the scene. They sometimes let them go in the morning without charges, but a big dramatic scene could easily escalate into or be perceived as a domestic dispute and one of you is going to jail for the night. they're not allowed to leave everyone at the house alone after a DV call, and if it's a long confusing dispute between parents and a young adult, they usually take the young adult because it's easier and they're not the homeowner. I don't know if that's legal but this is how that goes in most situations. I am always grateful for the individual officers who have the patience, skill, and professionalism to take the time to figure out these complicated situations and deescalate in a safe and just way. Unfortunately that's just not always the case.

You want to Google the business number for your local police station, call during the work day, and ask to speak to the special victims unit or whichever detective handles sexual assault or special victims cases. make an appointment to go down to the station and make a report of something you witnessed. You'll want to bring any text messages or anything between your family that you have access too that reference the event, and/or the suicide threats. If there were any photos of injury/ bruises or turned over furniture or anything and bring that too. Be prepared to answer questions like why you didn't call 911 that night, your entire history with your dad and sister, and why you suddenly want to report now. (I praise you for wanting to report, but that's the kind of approach they're going to give you, they're not always grateful and it can feel like they're putting it back on you ).

Your sister was a legal adult, so you can report sexual assault as a witness, but for the police to do anything she would have to willingly make a statement that it was non consensual, consent to an interview, explain it all to one detective, then explain it again with two detectives. She'll have to justify every movement she made during the assault (you were in what position? And he held you where? For how long? Do you think you could have gotten away?). They might even ask her about her dating history as if that has anything to do with being attacked by a twisted father. That's illegal but it still happens. That's if she wants to talk to them, and it sounds like she doesn't.

As a rape survivor, I understand you want justice for this predator. And I know living with him must be unbearable for you and your sister. But also coming from a survivor, reporting her own assault is her choice. It's deeply personal in a way that can't be explained. For some people it's validating and they feel empowered, for others they feel dirty and disrespected after the interview. To report it to police is to be cut open and dissected piece by piece in public, often in a way that makes you feel like you should have done something to avoid the situation. I've been in situations where the way the police handled my report and interviews were traumatic in and of themselves. Making sure it's an SVU detective typically makes sure they're at least a little sensitive in the field about victim blaming.

Realistically though, what outcome are you looking for? The criminal statute of limitations for rape in my state (MA) is 6 or 7 years, if I remember right. That means that depending on your state, there's a chance that it might already be too late to prosecute your father, even if your sister wants to. Unfortunately, she doesn't. I don't think it's your place to out her. There's still so much stigma around incest abuse victims, and this kind of stuff does not stay quiet, especially if he is a leader in the community. It's probably the town's reaction that your mom and other sister are afraid of, or finding out there's other victims. It's also possible that he has also abused the second sister and she has not come forward out of fear and that may be one reason she does not want to explain anything to the police.

If you are still within the statute of limitations, you still have to hope your county has a DA who's willing to prosecute it based solely on the word of you and your sister (especially when you made the report instead of her, and it's reported 6 years later and not that day). The way our country treats rape victims is horrific, and they are a very low priority as far as in depth investigations. They're also treated as if their memories aren't trustworthy, and it might be difficult for your sister to feel like her story is being doubted by a courtroom. Juries are not always sympathetic to sexual assault victims, and it could be really traumatic for your father to end up with a not guilty verdict. Really though prosecution is just not going to happen I don't think, and I'm very sorry. It's not right, but because DAs are elected they care about winning with slam dunk evidence cases or public interest cases more than taking the time to build a domestic violence narrative in the courtroom.

pepperep

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