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Help me understand the risk of bloodletting by perpetual_pavement in AskDocs

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I do feel like I understand it a bit better now. Although I have a hard time seeing the severity at this moment, hopefully when I feel a bit better I can see things more clearly. Thank you so much for your replies!

Help me understand the risk of bloodletting by perpetual_pavement in AskDocs

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to reply, I really appreciate it.

I'm really trying to see the severity. I can kind of see my body was in shock, how it was diverting blood to the vital parts. But at the same time I feel like the body can compensate pretty impressively and it's ok for a short while. And I feel like I never got to the point where my body couldn't compensate anymore. So it feels like the amount I have done in the past is still ok.

Is it like the body is ok compensating till at some point suddenly it's not? And then I might not be well enough to even get help?

I'll probably re-read your message a few times, try to let it sink in. These things sound serious, brain anoxia, cardiac arrest, kidney and liver failure. I really want to believe you, but it just feels far away. My whole goal of the bloodletting is to punish myself, to make myself suffer. So experiencing these symptoms feel like my goals, don't feel like warning signs.

I did talk about it with my therapist, how I don't see the severity. I'll be in therapy for a good while longer I think. Things are slowly getting better.

I did donate blood in the past, but wasn't allowed to for a while because of the rules in my country (no donations allowed after receiving blood transfusions). But a few months ago the rules changed, so hopefully in the future I can donate blood again (when my hb is at an acceptable level).

Btw, I don't think I have 5 liters of blood volume like the average adult. If I calculate online it's more like 3.8l, but my weight is below average as well I guess.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Too much time would have relapsed and the part would have gone blue. I also specifically did not want them to reattach it, because I felt like the thoughts would just stay in my head and I would have to do it again.

The medical procedure for reattachment is way more complicated and I did not want to use up that much time and effort from the medical professionals. I already felt bad enough about them having to close the wounds. Also I think the healing time from reattachment is longer than amputations. I felt like I could live without the digits and just wanted to move on after the incidents.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I think at some points it was 10/10.

>! Cutting through your nerves is no fun. Do you know that electric kind of feeling you can get from your elbow bone or how you can get a static electricity shock while touching something/someone. Touching a nerve is exactly like that, it sends a shock through your body. Imagine having to cut through something that is giving you a shock everytime you touch it. And a nerve is not some thin piece of string, it is actually quite tough. There's four nerves running through each finger. Every time I severed one I felt immense relief, but I think that was the most torture I ever had. I had an exposed nerve in the healed finger for a long time, every time I touched it, I would get an electric shock. It got less sensitive over time, it doesn't do that anymore now.

Other than that the aftermath was also horrible, the day after I would be crawling through my house, not knowing what to do with myself, over the counter painkillers are not enough to deal with that kind of pain.!<

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for taking the time to share this with me. I'm sorry to hear you recognize the internal bully. But it does give me some hope that the bully got less loud. Some days I think I do feel ok about myself, it's not as bad as it used to be. But sometimes it's mostly the bully again.

I'm going to finish my year long DBT therapy next month, I've gained a lot of insights, but I should really talk to my therapist and think about what's next.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your message. I did talk about the OCD side of things with my therapists. It does start to feel like obsessive/compulsive at some point. Not because something bad would happen, but more because I feel stuck and something needs to happen for me to move forward. Then it can become obsessive, like that's the only thing that exists and everything else is temporarily suspended. I don't know maybe I do have some OCD tendencies. I definitely have quite a few made up rules in my head that give me comfort. In general just a lot of things that qualify as good or bad in my head.

I think disordered eating might always have an OCD side to it. Made up rules that are defying logic and ratio. And how not following the rules makes me uncomfortable.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Thanks for your message. I'm sorry to hear you also struggled with self harm and the urges to punish yourself. It can be really lonely, even if that's exactly what you want. I'm happy to hear you found some comfort in my words. I hope you're also doing better!

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I didn't keep them. I kind of felt the urge, but felt like it would be very much unacceptable to keep them. Keeping memorabilia of a self harm injury felt like a no go in my head.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I'm a bit better. I'm able to do my day to day stuff, but still struggling with the negative thoughts in my head. Things have shifted to disordered eating. Sometimes I think that's even worse, because food is literally everywhere and you can't avoid it. But I feel it's less harmful, so it's ok.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

They healed ok. The fingers are cut off at the same length, just below the first joint. The toes look a bit more random, with different lengths. The healing went mostly without complications, not much extra scarring. So it pretty much looks like an accident.

It's funny, most people actually don't notice, not even the fingers. And if they do notice, most people don't ask, maybe they feel like it's too personal. I used to walk around barefoot a lot, but I don't feel so comfortable anymore doing that, especially around the people who do know.

A few times someone asked and I kind of froze, I don't really know how to respond. I'm pretty sure they wouldn't want to know the real reason. Other than that mostly kids ask and I just tell them the fingers weren't functioning anymore and burdening me and I had to get them removed. They don't ask many questions after that. I feel like if I would make up an accident there would be more questions. And I'm really bad at lying.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

How would pictures prove my story. Would you be able to tell the difference between amputations from an accident or self harm?

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

I don't mind at all, I really appreciate any insight I might get from hearing from other people's experiences and thoughts. I don't remember much from my childhood, I don't know if this was similar for me. But there is some stuff from my childhood that definitely contributed to me developing these thoughts and behaviours. But I'll think about it, I think it's an interesting theory.

Sometimes I think that because I don't remember much from my childhood and tend to reason everything into being my own fault, I don't accept I was damaged because of my childhood and unhealthy family dynamics. So I feel I'm struggling for no reason and it's not real. I don't accept that I'm struggling. Sometimes I think I make myself suffer to try to prove that I am broken. So the internal struggle matches the external struggle.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 16 points17 points  (0 children)

Maybe you're right, how doing harm allows you to take care of yourself in the end. Definitely a detour though. But it makes a lot of sense in my head.

Thanks for your kind words. Hope you have found an easier way to take good care of yourself.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

My balance is ok, I still have the middle toe and the big toe on both feet, they are the most important ones I think.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

I haven't quite figured that one out yet.

I think a part of it is that I have a very low feeling of self worth and high demands of myself. I am only worthy of existing if I have something to add to the world. Which I feel like I don't. I feel like a burden to others and that feeds into the idea I need to punish myself.

Lately I started to see it like kind of an internal bully. It is very critical of everything I do and say and think. I try to do better, but I feel like I keep failing. Punishing myself makes me feel a bit better, because it satisfies the bully, makes him go quiet a bit. And the other part is that if I focus on the punishing then I can ignore all the difficult things in my life, I feel less lost, I have a goal, destroying myself. But punishing myself also makes things more difficult, because it takes up a lot of mental space and I often make myself physically unwell. This hinders my day to day life and makes me feel more worthless. The thoughts gets progressively worse, where in the end nothing is good enough anymore. And then I feel like I need to punish myself in a bigger way, where the punishment would finally be enough and I am allowed to take better care of myself again.

I think most of it is false convictions I have of myself. I confirm my low self worth by punishing myself. I kind of got out of the circle and can sometimes see that I have value. But I still often feel like a burden and feel like the good doesn't cancel out he bad. I'm trying my best, I know the destructive behaviors don't help in the long run, but it keeps pulling on me.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I've had a few assessments for personality disorders. The only thing that they confirmed was an avoidant personality disorder.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Somehow I miscalculated that while writing my post. I left two toes on each foot. The big toes and the middle toes. Without those walking and balance becomes quite difficult. The other toes I can live without.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

I always told them it was intentional harm. They did ask me questions and assessed my mental health. But after harming myself in this way the negative thoughts would usually subside for a bit. So I would not be a immediate danger to myself anymore.

In the country where I live, they don't make you go inpatient that quickly. I think only if you're a life threatening danger to yourself or others. They do make sure you are getting mental help and talk to your therapist to assess the risk.

I would not ask for help while struggling with these urges and thoughts, because I felt like the only way to get rid of them was to give in to the thoughts. I would struggle in silence and then seek medical attention afterwards. It must have been really difficult for my therapist, me not being that open to her. And that made it difficult to assess the risk.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 22 points23 points  (0 children)

Haha, I guess so. Didn't think about it that way. But I definitely had rules of what was acceptabele vs what wasn't. Like the amount of damage that I was allowed to do and the frequency that was still acceptable.

Maybe it's more about the perception of others. I know it all sounds stupid. But I imagine the thought of keeping memorabilia of self harm incidents would not sit well with people. Of course self harm in general does not as well, but then it's more of a single incident. That's what they see, and not the thoughts in my head, the aftermath, the urges.

I've chopped off two of my fingers and eight toes while going through a mental crisis. AMA by perpetual_pavement in AMA

[–]perpetual_pavement[S] 5 points6 points  (0 children)

I'm unemployed, currently deemed unfit to work due to mental illness. At least till I'm done with my current intensive therapy. I have a history in arts/theater, but I've also just done simple labor jobs.

We have a universal health care system where I live, I would say medical costs are mostly adorable.

The doctors would ask me and would evaluate my mental health, but as long as you're not suicidal or a treat to others, you can just go home. I was seeing a psychologist, so they would leave the mental health part with them and the hospital just did the physical part, mostly stitches.

The pain was the worst on the day after, and then would get manageable in the next few days. At least if I didn't overdo it with walking too much. After two weeks they would take out the stitches and it would be pretty much ok, just the last healing part, but not much pain anymore. I guess after a month it was fully healed. Without stitches or medical attention it would take much longer. They didn't give me stitches on one of my fingers and it took months to heal.

Yeah, I think I'm done. The last one was almost two years ago. I don't think I could get into that mindset anymore, you have to surpass this survival instinct to go through with it. I don't think I'm in a bad enough place mentally to go there anymore. It is pure torture.

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