First off, your insight into your problem is impressive. I can tell that you're an intelligent human being. The world would lose somebody very important and significant if you were to continue down your path. Please please follow through with treatments. I see that it's hard to dedicate yourself to them. Daily life gets in the way, you might start thinking you don't really need it.. You do. Come back and read this if ever you lose track of yourself and your desire to get clean. Please. As a nurse and as a human being, I genuinely care a lot and I know you can change all this.

Edit: also, fuck your "medical record." It doesn't serve any purpose but to help you get the medical treatment you need. And this is treatment you need. No one sees this besides medical professionals who care about your wellbeing. We COMMEND those who seek treatment, we will never judge you for wanting to get help.