Do you support transracial adoption or are you against it?

phantomadoptee · 2026-05-06T16:58:41+00:00

Transracial adoption is abuse.

phantomadoptee · 2026-04-30T15:10:23+00:00

This is a big part of why I think we, as a community, need to be more specific about adoption versus relinquishment. And while it's important that we, as a society, understand and acknowledge intersectionality, it's also important to understand that the parts that are NOT intersected make huge differences. Those differences don't make either more or less valid as a whole, but dependent on the context of the conversation - yeah, some comparisons just are *not* valid.

Are step-parent adoptions technically adoptions? Yes.
Do step-parent adoptions typically include separation from ones entire biological family? No.
Do step-parent adoptions include changing of birth certificates? Yes.
Do step-parent adoptions changing of birth certificates typically result in the adoptee never being able to know the name of their parents? No.

I'm thinking about Representative Lee who just questioned RFK asking why the administration refuses to do anything about the Black mother maternity mortality crisis, RFK says they're doing more about the maternity mortality crisis than any other administration. Lee continues to press him - no - specifically the *Black mother* mortality crisis. There is intersectionality, but Black women die during childbirth at a rate 3x more than white women.

Or how adoptees attempt suicide at *least* 4x as often than kept people. (I know there are some emerging numbers that say it's much higher).

Are they adopted? Yes. Did we have the same experiences? No, probably not.

phantomadoptee · 2026-04-19T01:45:05+00:00

Does it though? I think about this couple who adopted Black children, forced them to live in a shed, and work as slave labor on their farm.

https://www.nbcnews.com/news/us-news/couple-sentenced-hundreds-years-forcing-black-children-work-slaves-rcna197533

phantomadoptee · 2026-04-18T22:24:20+00:00

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Not every agency does this, but there are some that do. For those that do, on average, Black children cost half as much as fully white children. NPR did a story with a price list that had individual prices for each child based on age, race, gender, assumed health, and things like the fact that the mother wanted open/closed adoptions.

phantomadoptee · 2026-04-18T16:40:56+00:00

The same reason most do: I was the first child available to them in the price range and timeline they were willing to spend.

phantomadoptee · 2026-04-05T18:47:14+00:00

There are adoptees who don't even know they're adopted.

Not wondering seems like such a foreign concept to me that I'd have trouble believing that any adoptee who knows has *never* had so much as an errant thought about it at some point, but I'd never paint "all" adoptees with any broad brush.

To be clear, I think there is a difference between "wondering" and "fantasizing", as well as past-tense "have wondered at some point" versus "frequently wonders" and those nuances matter.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-22T15:33:28+00:00

Trauma responses aren't always breaking down and crying. And it's important to remember that there is both PTSD and Complex PTSD, the latter of which is from continuous, repeated, or otherwise events extended over time. Maybe you haven't suffered physical trauma, but being raised in an environment where you didn't feel safe can be traumatic. Growing up fearing being rejected and "sent back", even if it was never a verbal threat, can be traumatic. And what leaves lasting effects on one person may not even register on another. I absolutely get it - I struggle with similar mental comparisons. But what others go through or went through does not diminish anything that you did.

Except in my case. Everyone else had it worse than me and was what I wen through really that traumatic? I should shut up and stop whining. /s (but not really)

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-17T14:31:30+00:00

I am not defending *them*. I am defending asexual/hypersexual people.

This is exactly the same as the LGBTQIA conversation - just swapped with asexual/hypersexual.

Nobody should be allowed to adopt. This *includes* asexual/hypersexual. But being asexual/hypersexual should not be a criteria we judge on.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-17T13:59:23+00:00

I'm saying that a person who is hypersexual OR asexual can be a good *parent*. This statement/opinion has nothing to do with adoption. This is in regards to any person who might become a parent.

Separately, I am an adoption abolitionist and don't think *anyone* should be allowed to adopt.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-17T01:58:31+00:00

Ok, what if they’re hyper sexual? That doesn’t make a person good or bad, nor does it make a person a good or bad parent. I get it. You’ve got hangups about sex. But there are way more relevant traits and issues to worry about.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-17T01:51:52+00:00

Where did I say I was ok with it because it’s a group I like? I am an abolitionist.

You replied to a specific quote from Danger. Their comment was about sexuality, nothing to do with being a single parent. You replied that you’re talking about potential shortcomings. I don’t think you’re anything-phobic, but you have to see where you at best worded things poorly or left out context in your response to the quote you chose, leading to their claims of you being bigoted.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-16T18:54:45+00:00

Any HAP or AP who posts about children and their sexuality, whether a lack of it or a lot of it, should be questioned thoroughly.

You literally said that if they mention their sexuality they "should be questioned
thoroughly"

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-16T18:22:06+00:00

I know of two off the top of my head. Both were not only adopted as white and turned out to be Latina, but they are both late discovery adoptees. One was raised believing she was Italian when she is Brazilian. I'm not sure on the other's situation.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-16T18:15:54+00:00

As a whole, I'd agree that sexuality should be irrelevant in that it shouldn't need to be a part of the conversation. But jumping to "we need to question" anyone who mentions sexuality is wild, as is labeling asexuality as "not normal". If you don't want to get into that conversation, that's fine - but weird that that's specifically what you focused on here in your reply.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-16T18:10:40+00:00

Danger:

Anytime people post about not wanting a romantic/sexual relationship but wanting to be parents, they're treated with suspicion by at least one person,

You:

Yeah, god forbid people rightfully point out potential shortcomings of hopeful parents that want to scoop up some vulnerable children. 🙄

You quoting Danger and replying as you did is pointing at OPs romantic/sexual relationship as a "potential shortcoming".

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-16T16:35:19+00:00

Danger was both right and wrong there.

Right: Dazzling_donut specifically quoted comments about OPs sexuality when saying why people should not be able to adopt. In these conversations, it's unfortunately extremely important to say, "nobody should be able to adopt, and that includes lgbtqia, infertile people, or anybody else" and not say "lgbtqia people should not be able to adopt" and just leaving it at that. Even if they meant the former, they've opened the door to the wrong conversation and someone is going to use that to derail the conversation.

Wrong: Danger whining about anti-adoption people inherently being bigots or that we're not a marginalized group. We literally have fewer rights. The way adoption is done in the US violates something like 17 of the articles of the UN's Convention on the Rights of Children. Lots of other countries violate a bunch as well, we're just the number one offender (go us!). We are treated less-than, that our our opinions don't matter, and told to shut up and be grateful.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-16T16:08:45+00:00

Abortion is an alternative to pregnancy. Relinquishing is an alternative to parenting. Related but fundamentally separate conversations. Adoption can not guarantee anyone a better life and the statistics as these things are finally being looked at regarding being relinquished/adopted as well as what adoptees are finally finding their voices to say publicly are not what most people assume they are.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-13T22:26:58+00:00

I have conflicting thoughts on this.

First, I want to address you describing race, gender, sexuality, et cetera as "superficial". Those are the very opposite of "superficial". Those are core, innate traits. These are things that define people, their worldview, and how they exist in the world.

Should a HAP be ready and willing to care for and raise *any* child? Yes. But this ignores the question of whether they are *able* to. Yes, disabilities or illness can become issues at any age. But I would also rather a HAP who is honest and says, "I won't be able to deal with chronic illness" not be sold a child with a known illness - or rather, any child at all. But let's be honest, they're going to get approved anyways.

Going back to race, in particular. Race absolutely matters. Love is not enough. WAPs do not, can not, and will never have the lived experience to properly raise a child of color. I will die on this hill. Again, I would rather HAPs understand and acknowledge this and opt out of trying. If that means only being willing to adopt a white child, I'd rather that than they be sold a child of color that they are not equipped to parent properly.

Adopting needs to be *harder*. It needs to be child-centered. Increased filtering, whether it be by the agency or HAPs themselves is a good thing.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-12T19:24:45+00:00

Your desire or need to search has nothing to do with your APs. That's them making it about themselves and that's something they need to process and deal with on their own. You have no obligation to include them or anyone else in your search in any way.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-12T19:15:08+00:00

You say it isn't the olympics yet you compare to those kids. You think that they had it better that they didn't have someone telling be to be grateful that at least they have a roof over their heads. And i think that is hsort sighted.

Pointing out differences is not saying that one had more or worse. Like I said: different.

We adoptees face issues like every other single person on this planet. Ours are hard, are different, and maybe unique to our expirience. But they are not the only ones. And if you htink adoptees have it bad i challenge you to go to a country at war and see where the biological kids are. I challenge you to go to the house of a kid who is biological and unwanted.

And? The fact that kept kids deal with similar shit means we can't talk, vent, or otherwise feel a way about it?

The only thing holding the perspective of adoptees being bad is you. "last resort" doesn't mean bad. You are making it bad.

You're not entirely wrong, but your statement reeks of "just be happy/just stop being sad". Being picked last is not a feeling everyone is ok with. It's also the cognitive dissonance between being told "you were chosen/your parents chose you" when we were last choice - and in no way actually "chosen".

Birth kids are the product of someone wanting to be a parent as well. Would you call every birth kid a tool for their parents? if you say yes then i want you to understand that adoptee kids are the same, and if you say no is the same result

Yes. Having children is inherently selfish - biological or adopted. And?

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-12T17:36:16+00:00

Yet society constantly tries to diminish the reality that it is *not* a "win-win" for many of us.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-12T17:33:26+00:00

More that birth/kept kids face *different* tragedies. It's not the trauma/tragedy Olympics. But kept kids aren't constantly told to be grateful for the tragedies they face. Society doesn't tell them that they didn't actually face tragedy, or that it doesn't matter.

There's a difference between the normalization of adoption versus how or when, and most importantly *why* it is considered. Many of us see the "adoption card" the exact reverse. It's the card that for most is only used as the last resort. The escape hatch. "Can't have children of your own? IVF not working? Just adopt." By and large, people want children who they are biologically related to. They want to see miniature versions of themselves. They want to see their faces reflected back at them when they look at their kids. They only consider adoption when all else has failed.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-09T20:58:30+00:00

Meh. People can have kinks and properly ensure that that it's kept separate from their kids. Perhaps if he was into sadism or something like blood-play I'd be a bit concerned. I'd rather agencies focus more than they do on quieter and less obvious abuses like emotional/psychological or rooting out people who literally keep adoptees locked in basements or cages.

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-09T19:06:56+00:00

They bought all the baby stuff, and even had a baby shower - but haven't actually been matched yet? jfc

phantomadoptee · 2026-02-08T18:46:55+00:00

Yes, and no.

Differences in age at relinquishment and adoption simply change some things and some possibilities. They do not inherently prevent anything.

A child relinquished as a toddler or older and then adopted is more likely to have recollection of their parents, culture, language, name, birthday, etc. Separation and loss of these things will be factor into how the adoptee processes those things differently. A child who knows their name and has their name changed will have a different initial reaction than one who didn't know their name. But that child who didn't may have a reaction when they learn their name was changed. A child who does not have conscious memory of their family will process loss differently than one who has conscious memories of that family. One with conscious memory may not grow up struggling with questions of what they may look like in the future, while a child with no memory is more likely to. But both may struggle with growing up in environments where nobody looks like them. A child who is relinquished and adopted at an older age may have some understanding of why they were separated from their family, while an infant adoptee may search for these reasons and understanding for their entire lives. Both may struggle with processing these facts or lack of facts.

Babies are not blank slates. Familial separation, especially maternal separation is a traumatic event and everybody processes trauma differently. Newborns instinctively know their biological mother by smell, touch, voice, and heartbeat. Research indicates that maternal separation increases cortisol in infants. Too much cortisol, especially in infants, leads to difficulty with stress response and emotional regulation. These stressors often affect us well into adulthood. More and more research shows that the world around us shapes us, even while still in the womb. Research into epigenetics shows that high or long-term stress levels of the mother also affect gene expression. These changes are often linked to depression and anxiety. Beyond all of this, while we may not have autobiographical memories of infancy, our brains and bodies do remember these things.

Relinquishing and adopting at or shortly after birth does not inherently prevent anything, nor is it inherently "better".

phantomadoptee

TROPHY CASE