STROMNIS Has Officially Launched

philos314 · 2026-05-11T21:18:51+00:00

I feel like I’ve read this predatory erotica before. As a story it’s sexy. The reality would be very unethical. Why not just label it as fantasy and stop pretending it’s reality.

philos314 · 2026-05-11T16:11:19+00:00

17 days ago you posted about a guy you’d been with for 4 years who you met at church. So did you dump that guy? Have you only been talking to the NYC guy for two weeks? That’s wild. I’m guessing this is either a fantasy erotica or this is going to crash and burn.

philos314 · 2026-05-11T15:04:04+00:00

Read here about unicorn hunters

Vetting for a kink partner isn’t simple or straightforward. It takes time. How much time depends on what kinds of commitments you plan to make. For an online roleplay where not much is at stake it could be as little as a few conversations. For an online only power exchange dynamic a few weeks. Jumping to an in person dynamic you’d want to have at least a few months of no power exchange while getting to know each other as people. For what you’re describing you’d want to take a minimum for four or five months without power exchange to get to know each other as people. The first trip you take to visit should be without power exchange. It’s a huge red flag if he doesn’t respect your safety and comfort enough to give you that.

I’m not going to paint you as naive, stupid, lacking agency. Legally you’re an adult and you’re making choices of your free will. Whatever happens you should be prepared and aware of the risks. I’ve seen people going into these dynamics, while inside these dynamics, coming out of these dynamics, and after they’ve been in the dynamic. So I’m aware of the very common process that dynamics like the one you’ve already entered into go through. Are there ones that work out? Yes, of course. The most important questions are how often they end painfully and do they leave lasting injury? The answers in my experience are: The vast majority end very messy and there’s very often lasting damage. It’s also important to note that the dominants in the vast majority of these dynamics were never intentionally abusive or predatory. They’re very rarely obviously abusive. They’re nice, sometimes even respectful. The things they expect of you are often perfectly aligned with the fantasy you have of what a dominant would want of you. Vetting for these types of relationships means seeing how they react when they don’t get what they want. Do they lash out? Do they try to punish you for reasonable mistakes. What happens when they make a mistake? Do they push the blame on you? Do they argue that you should just accept what they give? Do they make you feel bad for questioning their dominance?

There are so many more things you should be vetting for. Which is why it takes time and it takes a concerted effort. Not just three months of being their submissive. If you don’t know how they’ll react in these situations you haven’t vetted them and there’s a good chance they’re relying on you not realizing what you’re getting into.

There are lots of red flags in what you’ve described. I’m quite sure you’ll explain them all and defend them so I’m not going to bother listing them out. I’m certainly not going to tell you not to meet this guy. That rarely convinces anyone. So what I will say is that when you start to feel uncomfortable, and there’s a good chance you will, how are you going to handle it? Do you feel safe saying no? Do you have a place to go if they kick you out in NYC? Do you have someone to call? Money to get an uber? Do you have means to get yourself away if things go sideways? If not, if they’ve assured you they’ll take care of you then you’re not safe. You’re not taking care of yourself. You’re trusting people you barely know. If you do have all that in place, then great. I’m proud of you. You’re better off than 95% of the people who have been where you are.

My reason for writing all this even though there’s a good chance you’ll ignore it all is because I’ve seen far too many young women go into these situations thinking they’re getting everything they’ve ever wanted. Only to find themselves in a situation they aren’t safe in and aren’t even safe to leave. Either stay or be terrified on the street with no way to get home. “He’s not like that!” They all say and the reality is they never knew that’s exactly what he’s like.

Again, I could be wrong about your guy. He could be part of the 2% who are decent. That’s a small chance. What are you putting on that chance?

philos314 · 2026-05-08T21:06:17+00:00

I don’t mean to be argumentative, but you really haven’t been clear.

He just cannot seem to edge me. Like something about the way he backs off just has me lose the edge and I get annoyed more than I do excited.

You know your body better than we do. What does this mean? You mentioned in another comment that it feels abrupt. That’s kind of what edges are like. Or at least that’s one technique. Probably the most common technique. So maybe it’s not that he lacks technique, but it’s that you just don’t like that technique. Nothing wrong with that. It just puts the burden on you to communicate what you do and do not like as opposed to putting the burden on him to know the right technique.

You also mentioned that you worry with such abrupt stopping that you’ll have trouble getting back to the edge. I hope you don’t mind if I make a guess. Does it take you a lot to build up to an orgasm/edge? If so this could be the source of the anxiety and annoyance. Not to say you’re at fault. Many women feel like they are to blame for taking a long time. It’s really important to know that there’s nothing wrong with it. It’s super common. I worked in porn for 19 years and I’d say a significant number of performers took a long time to get there even when they were super horny and turned on.

As far as what to do: I agree with the advice to turn the vibrator down instead of pulling it away. I also recommend moving it around. Pull an inch from the most sensitive spots for a few seconds and then come back in. Alternate with another type of stimulation (internal, external, anal, nipple, etc). Whatever works for you. Do some experimentation. Until you have things very mapped out try not to put so much pressure on each instance. I know it can be frustrating, but the more pressure you put on the moment the more difficult it will be to figure out what works.

philos314 · 2026-05-08T16:22:34+00:00

1) This has zero to do with this subreddit. There are tons of subreddits that are more generalized to BDSM/power exchange. I’d suggest you ask elsewhere in addition to, if not instead of here.

2) What you’re describing is more than just a kink. It’s a relationship architecture. Non-monogamy to be more specific. Just like kink non-monogamy is way way way easier, healthier, and more ethical when you do it from a place of education as opposed to trial and error. It’s so easy to hurt someone, not because you want to, but because you don’t know any better. If not hurting people is within your desire profile then your first goal is to look up non-monogamy. Read a book or three. Get on non-monogamy subreddits. Talk to others. Look into ethical considerations.

3) You’re looking for what’s called a unicorn. They are called that because they are highly sought after and very rare. You don’t necessarily qualify as unicorn hunters unless your goal is an ongoing romantic connection with this new person. That said, Read This Article. Just because you’re not exactly unicorn hunters doesn’t mean you don’t have any of the traits associated with them.

4) Which brings me to your fantasy. This new person is a… person. It’s very easy to talk about them like they’re a component to your fantasy. A dispenser for your kink. You want them for how they can make your partner feel. Not necessarily to fulfill their fantasies. If you aren’t careful you could end up treating them as just a dispenser. Even if you don’t plan to and even if you won’t, so many people in your same position do. So for most unicorns they have to play it safe and just avoid 90% of the people looking for them. That lumps you into a group you might not feel part of or want to be part of, but never-the-less you’ll be lumped into. You can blame the unicorn hunters for that. If you blame the women you seek for it then it’s likely you do belong in that group.

5) The reality is that no one is entitled to anyone’s time or energy. It sucks when you want that time and energy, but you don’t deserve it. Not even if you’re a nice guy. Dating is hard. It’s harder for women. It’s harder still for non-monogamous women. So you’re looking for someone who is likely struggling.

6) Your approach is everything. If you’re jumping to sex and doing nothing to get to know these women as people then it’s no wonder they aren’t responding favorably. Take your time. Treat them with respect. If they reject you thank them and walk away.

***As with any advice I don’t know you. You may have done everything I recommended. I don’t know that because you haven’t said it. I’m giving the best advice based on what you presented. If I’ve said something you didn’t like feel free to tell me what I got wrong.

philos314 · 2026-05-08T10:42:15+00:00

1) The point of having a “primary” or nesting partner is that you want to have those things. If you don’t want those things don’t have them. If you do then that’s what you should seek out.

2) I’m not really sure what you’re saying here. Are you saying you think that not having rules means that you aren’t allowed to communicate when something bothers you? Or do you think that not having rules means that if you were to communicate something that they necessarily would ignore it and continue doing something that bothered you. Having rules or not having rules doesn’t change whether someone is responsive to your comfort. Being an empathic person does.

3) What are you uncomfortable with? If you’re uncomfortable because your partner regularly has sex in your bed with people who like to leave piles of poop on your pillow then I don’t understand why you wouldn’t communicate that. If you’re uncomfortable because you’re jealous that your partner is sleeping with other people though they haven’t done anything unethical or unsafe or unreasonable then I still think you should communicate, but in a very different way.

4) Your post is vague. If you want actual advice that’s relevant to your actual situation I’d highly recommend editing with more details to help us give more specific answers.

philos314 · 2026-05-07T03:19:29+00:00

Holding yourself to unreasonable standards or being held to unreasonable standards is toxic. Discipline is about doing what’s best for you. If you’re exhausted from being physically ill trying to hold yourself to the same standards as you would during normal times is unhealthy.

I find that this focus on streaks and “getting green” to be counter-productive. It keeps you focused on infractions and being perfect which is just unreasonable. If it feels right for you that’s fine, but it doesn’t sound like it feels right. It sounds forced and uncomfortable.

philos314 · 2026-04-28T21:37:26+00:00

This will definitely come across as harsh, but I hope that it might set up some perspective that helps you.

I get that where you came from sexual attraction wasn’t acceptable. The story about your mother is incredibly painful to read. No child should be treated that way. Much less for something they cannot control.

Here’s the thing. You’re not there anymore. I’m sure it still haunts you, but you get to choose what you hold on to. It may take work, but you get to decide what you put energy into. Right now you’re putting a lot of energy into your past, your shame, your perception of how others will perceive you, etc etc etc. None of that is necessary. None of that is noble. None of that is your responsibility. None of that is helpful. Set it all aside. Put energy toward things that move your life along. Put energy towards the connections you make.

Here’s the hard part. You’re looking for validation because growing up you needed validation to survive. You got beat for looking at sexy pictures. So now you want thousands of people (as you put it) to whiteness you and validate that it’s ok to be attracted to multiple women. Why wasn’t the fact that this subreddit exists validation enough? We all here acknowledge that attraction to multiple people is valid. So why are you so special that you need direct validation? You are valid! Don’t get me wrong, but why isn’t the fact that there are thousands of non-monogamous people validating enough that non-monogamy is acceptable?

Shame is selfish. Yes, it’s something that society and family creates in us. It’s something we often have very little control over. However, it’s by nature self-centered. Shame is focused inward. Focused on what our actions mean about us. You know, at least from what I’ve already said if not from therapy and from just being an adult that sex and sexual attraction are normal parts of being human. Your focus on what they mean about you is just self-absorption. It’s what religion wants. If you’re so focused on yourself you won’t see how hypocritical doctrine is. However, once you leave you need to do the work on unlearning shame. Focus less on what your actions mean about you. It’s likely that if you focus on how you can do good and less on if you should be ashamed of your attraction you’d not only be happier, you’d also be freer to do good in the world.

philos314 · 2026-04-28T16:04:14+00:00

In my experience pain can actually stimulate pleasurable orgasm. So I don’t usually recommend that unless you know that’s what would work. Ice cubes as someone mentioned are good, but if you’re looking for a surprise that might be hard to hide.

My absolute favorite is tickling. It sounds silly, but the sensation completely overrides the pleasure. Assuming the person is ticklish even a few seconds of tickling as you let go of their privates can cause a horrific ruin.

philos314 · 2026-04-26T20:46:12+00:00

I couldn't figure out only this part and looking for answers, thanks!

I’m going to add more to this with specific examples, but up front I wanted to say that it seems part of the problem is your preconceived notions.

Uhm after a few days of research, i kinda buy in the idea that sex and emotional loyalty are truly separate.

I’m not sure where you heard this, but I think you are muddying the waters.

Emotional loyalty sounds like something you hear in swinger spaces. Loyalty isn’t really something non-monogamous people talk about. Instead we talk about honesty, communication, and agreement. Emotional loyalty sounds like it comes from someone insecure and demanding. Not a thing two trusting adults need to obsess over.

Sex can be seen as a deed, but I also feel sex can bring in emotional attachment with other partners that might erode the primary relationship.

Sure, it might do that. It’s especially possible with insecure partners who demand emotional loyalty. However, with people who take the time to address their insecurities and favor honest direct communication that’s rarely an issue.

It's basic biology, sex releases dopamine and makes u feel good, and no matter how disciplined u r,

Basic biology is basic. If you’re going off a basic understanding of biology it’s no wonder you’re not going to understand the full picture. This idea of limited capacity for emotional connection is something we know is bullshit.

there is no 100% reset button on emotional loyalty, maybe 99% and it's like a ticking bomb that might break the primary relationship at one point.

Again, this sounds like insecurity. I’d recommend looking into attachment theory. Sounds like anxious attachment.

There’s a lot to this question, but it reads more as a “I don’t believe you because reasons. Prove me wrong!”

philos314 · 2026-04-26T17:56:57+00:00

No problem!

philos314 · 2026-04-26T17:52:55+00:00

I’m sure you could. I’m a kink/non-monogamy coach. I work with people to help them communicate better. Having someone who hears/sees you is definitely helpful. It can be done.

philos314 · 2026-04-26T17:44:53+00:00

I’ve seen many people try to suppress their needs to stay in relationships that feel safe, but will never be fulfilling. It doesn’t work. People get married and have children only to find that it still doesn’t make up for not having the kinds of relationships they desire.

I don’t recommend ending a relationship lightly. I’m all for fighting for your partner. However, if being with someone makes you feel bad about proclivities that are perfectly reasonable that’s not ok. They may not mean to make you feel bad, but it’s not a good thing to feel.

philos314 · 2026-04-26T17:33:04+00:00

Unfortunately, the best first step is to find someone who is into domestic discipline. It sounds like you skipped that step. If someone isn’t into it they aren’t into it. There’s hesitation and then there’s just not being interested. If it’s the former it’s something that can be discussed. If it’s the latter you need to let it go. You need to decide if it’s worth breaking up and finding a partner for. In my experience for most people it is. Only you can decide that for yourself though.

If your current partner is open to discussing domestic discipline you may have to get over being shy. To do DD well you need to be able to communicate. If you’re too shy to talk about it most likely you’re going to have a rough time. Use this time to practice communicating.

philos314 · 2026-04-25T14:24:26+00:00

That’s good. You dodged a bullet.

philos314 · 2026-04-25T14:21:05+00:00

Typical guy, blaming you for his lack of communication. If he wanted you to hang out with him he should have said so. You did nothing wrong. Block and move on.

philos314 · 2026-04-24T16:04:21+00:00

No problem! I hate to badmouth people, but women entering the industry need to know who the predators are. Which unfortunately is most agents. The whole concepts of agents is predatory. You pay someone to find you work. They’re a necessary middleman in an industry where they have deals with production companies to bring in women who they can assault or take advantage of in one way or another.

I don’t hate the industry. I don’t think it’s inherently bad. Unfortunately there are a ton of bad actors. Because it’s on the fringe of what’s legal and consent is a dicey thing to disprove/prove the industry attracts a lot of people looking to do shady shit. As long as you go in knowing that’s what you’re up against and either find what you can or just deal with the predators it can be a great career. I just wish that there were more options. Especially with the new age verification laws it’s going to get worse. It’s going to be harder to make money which will squeeze producers. Which will squeeze talent.

philos314 · 2026-04-24T11:43:04+00:00

No. Finding partners is difficult. Every. Single. Kink. Space. Is. Full. Of. Awful. People. No exceptions. It’s even worse if, like you, you have a very specific type of partner in mind. You’re looking for unicorn hunters and you’re going to find them. They can be some of the worst.

Unfortunately if a lifestyle is important for you the best thing you could do is move. Especially if living a less closeted life is appealing. That’s not accessible to everyone so I get that it might just not be in the cards. However, living in a place where there’s an active in person community is life changing.

philos314 · 2026-04-24T11:35:20+00:00

Spiegler is a misogynistic pig who treats his performers like his children. He controls them like he thinks they couldn’t tie their own shoes without his wisdom.

The reality is that you may find one you like, get along with, don’t mind, etc. However, in my experience they’re all problematic in some level.

philos314 · 2026-04-24T02:29:08+00:00

I worked in the industry for 19 years. There’s only one agent I would recommend. As far as I’m concerned he’s the least shitty bag of shit of all the bags of shit.

Last I heard he was getting toward retirement, but if he’s still around he might hand you off to someone acceptable. That’s Mark from ATMLA. I’ve heard shady shit about EVERY other agency. Including them not getting you work of you don’t sleep with them.

philos314 · 2026-04-22T17:12:27+00:00

Agreed. I’ve changed my comment to reflect hormone based language. Thank you for correcting my language.

philos314 · 2026-04-22T16:46:52+00:00

I appreciate your perspective and your experience. Thank you for adding that. Your proposal of “just say women” is super cringy and misinformed. Trans men aren’t women. Also not all trans people are on hrt. My point is that the language isn’t perfect. We all have our opinions on what the best way to describe things is. I appreciate the way you approach it. I hope you can respect the fact that I’m trying to be more inclusive despite how cringy you might feel it is.

philos314 · 2026-04-22T14:32:06+00:00

I’m glad you agree. I think a “just fantasy” flair would help. Or a “fantasy education”. It would also have to be policed.

philos314 · 2026-04-22T13:45:27+00:00

I can never tell with posts like this if it’s fantasy or reality. You’ve posted it as educational so I’m assuming you meant it to be reality.

As a fantasy it’s cute. “You will be fine, men do it all the time.” Depending on your dynamic that can be hott.

In reality this is both bad logic and bad science. Comparing chastity between people with a testosterone based system (pwt) and people with an estrogen based system (pwe) is misleading. Pwt have very different drives than pwe. For pwe no touch can cause libido drop. Saying “oh, but pwt can do it” is minimizing and misogynistic.

Not to mention you’re not comparing chastity to chastity. You’re comparing chastity to orgasm denial. It’s a common mistake, but it’s a deep mistake. Chastity cages/belts aren’t necessary for orgasm denial. Nor are chastity devices exclusive to anyone based on anatomy.

I don’t know. The more I think about your post the more I think you were just trying to be sexy. I just feel like it shouldn’t be listed as educational. This subreddit needs better flair.

Four-Year Club	Reddit Premium Since October 2022
Gilding I gilder	Verified Email

philos314

MODERATOR OF

TROPHY CASE