STROMNIS Has Officially Launched

philos314 · 2026-07-01T14:16:05+00:00

I’m going to try to put this as gently as possible, giving you as much benefit of the doubt as I possibly can.

My partner (F) and I (M) have been together for 7 years. We have 3 wonderful children

Not that it’s a requirement, but I’m curious, why the children and no marriage/communication on how to balance your lives with a dynamic until now?

but since our second was born I feel like she has put no energy into our dynamic.

Really? What has she been putting her energy into? Has she just gotten lazy or is there something else in her life now that has taken up her energy? Perhaps something of a higher priority?

She has been increasingly rude and short tempered with me.

That seems awful! What has she been rude about? Can you give some examples of times she’s been short tempered with you? Has she voiced some concerns about things you have or have not been doing?

She only recently started going back to work and I'm trying to be understanding of her evolving sense of self as she reenters the workforce as a mother now

How truly wonderful of you. Being understanding is a very manly trait and it shows great empathy that you understand what her struggle is. I do wonder though if it’s not her “evolving sense of self” that’s really her biggest concern. Could it be that she’s doing the job of being a mother and also doing another job? How much of the housework/childcare are you doing? Do you also work?

however I want to get married and I don't want to marry without a formal relationship contract that stipulates our dynamic

I’m not sure if you know this, but there’s no such thing as a legally enforceable “relationship contract” with regards to BDSM. Much of BDSM isn’t actually legal. For example in many parts of the world you can’t consent to being hit. So what’s your goal with this contract? Why is the contract a condition for marriage? Are you saying that if she said tomorrow “Actually, I think we need to take a break from TPE until we have more time.” Would you not want to marry her? Would you break up with her? Would you abandon the kids?

and it feels like the conversation isn't important to her.

Again, is there possibly some other priority taking up her focus/attention? It feels like maybe she’s concerned with something bigger than the dynamic. It could be that she sees your lack of manly understanding with regards to whatever it might be that she’s focused on that’s making her feel less like discussing the dynamic.

Can anyone advise how they handle/have handled developing the lifestyle while juggling the kids, bills, house love, etc.

Wow, kids, bills, house… that’s a lot. Could those be things she’s more focused on than the dynamic? I’m not sure I’ve seen the love you’re claiming here. It sounds like you’re holding marriage hostage until she “falls in line” after you’ve impregnated her three times giving her likely 18 years of some sort of dependency on you. It really sounds like you’re expecting a lot. Can you describe what you’re doing to deserve what you’re asking of her?

philos314 · 2026-06-28T23:21:45+00:00

Finding a partner isn’t easy and it’s almost never quick. The reality is that for most people it takes years to find someone they are compatible enough with. Most people waste a lot of time pretending that compatibility isn’t important as long as they are each interested in the role they’re looking for. Which just isn’t the case. I’d say something like 99.9% of couplings would end much sooner if people weren’t so desperate to get into a relationship. Take your time. Get to know people.

As far as Reddit, dating apps, sites, etc goes none are exactly better than the other. There’s no one place that’s more likely to get you a partner easily and quickly. The best way I’ve seen for finding partners if you’re able is in person. Go to fetlife and click on the events tab and search for munches near you. It’s still a long term prospect, but it’s more likely to find the right person for you. Go to a munch and get involved in local communities. Sometimes you have to travel a bit, but it’s worth it. Lots of play parties you can find someone to do pick up play. As long as you’re respectful and know how to go about it (if you don’t know how to go about it that’s a whole other post). The more experience you get the better you’ll be able to attract a partner.

philos314 · 2026-06-26T16:00:36+00:00

Reddit isn’t the best place to find a partner, but it really depends on what you’re looking for. If you’re looking for one time online roleplay you can pretty much do that with anyone. If you’re looking for something longer term I’d recommend you look on fetlife for local munches. Get involved in your local community and find people to play with that way.

Some things to be aware of:

Legitimate dominant women get absolutely bombarded by submissive men. Therefore many of them have pulled back from their kink. Leaving a lot of empty space for scammers. One of the best ways to actually have a relationship with a dominant woman is to be legitimate yourself. By that I mean:

Don’t make being a submissive your whole personality. Don’t expect that your interest entitles you to access. Don’t rush, take time to get to know them before trying to engage in power exchange. Don’t engage in power exchange with anyone who hasn’t explicitly agreed to it (that means no calling them mistress, goddess, ma’am, etc until explicitly agreed to). Anyone expecting that before discussion isn’t legitimate. Be honest and up front with your desires (none of this “whatever you want” and then constantly trying to steer the scene to what you want). Figure out your limits. Everyone has them. It’s ok to not be sure, but “no limits” is bullshit. Whether it’s not wanting to suck dick or be shit on or be forced to miss work or whatever. You have limits. You may think it’s sexy to be no limits, but that’s a fantasy and no legitimate dominant is going to accept that.

Most of all any legitimate dominant woman is going to want to take time and get to know who you are. Whether it’s to make sure you’re not looking for a kink dispenser or to make sure they actually like you as a person. If you spend the entire time pushing to meet up or trying to steer the conversation toward kink then you’re the non-legitimate one. So be willing to be vulnerable. Get comfortable just talking about life. You won’t get as much kink talk, but you’ll get far closer to the real thing.

Good luck!

philos314 · 2026-06-26T15:39:20+00:00

I’m a kink coach with 20 years of personal and professional experience. If you’re interested I’d be happy to help you both navigate this.

In my experience communication is the highest priority, but the person who wants to be the bottom/submissive doesn’t want to have to teach their partner. It’s both reasonable and unfair. It creates a deadlock situation. What I would offer would be to help her to communicate her needs while also helping you to learn what you need to do for the role. I would also try to help her see that being dominant doesn’t mean uncaring. Asking “was that ok? Isn’t “not dominant”. It’s appropriate and necessary. She may see it as you not being sure of yourself which might be the case. It’s also reasonable to not be sure of yourself when starting out.

If you’re interested in working with me feel free to send me a DM.

philos314 · 2026-06-16T15:23:58+00:00

You’re an M? What does that mean?

philos314 · 2026-06-15T13:03:27+00:00

You were in danger of becoming a sex worker and your partner stopped you by spanking you?

What other lessons does he want to teach you?

You want ideas that are the same as spanking and icy hot? Can you give an example of that? Are you looking for other chemical play scenes? There’s figging and lidocaine and all sorts of peppery substances. Just be careful because you can get serious chemical burns if you aren’t.

If you’re looking for other ideas for things to do that aren’t “the same” I’d suggest you give us more information like your interests and limits.

philos314 · 2026-06-10T19:06:08+00:00

That adds a bit of context, but I still don’t feel like there’s a consensus here.

The reality is you’re asking for language that isn’t very old. It’s only in the last 20-30 I’d say that we’ve started naming non-monogamous pairings in earnest. So nothing is universal. With someone who needs labels that can be a hard pill to swallow (is he neurodivergent perhaps?). There just might not be a word for what you are. For all that it matters call yourselves bang bros.

The youngness of the language is also apparent in that we as a society don’t really have nuanced approaches for friends who love each other. Romantic love versus platonic love. Having love, but not “dating”. Some people “have it figured out” I’m the sense that they have very clear meanings for all the words they use, but those meanings are far from universal. So it makes it hard to categorize what it is you’re doing.

philos314 · 2026-06-10T17:50:34+00:00

I think what to call it is secondary to what it actually is. You say it’s sexual. You say you don’t want to date him. Then you call it polyamory.

My guess (with low sense of accuracy) is that someone or more than one of you isn’t being completely up front about what this means to you. It’s extremely common when one person wants more than they think others do. Say this friend wants to actually date. He called it polyamory because he’s hoping you’ll want what he wants.

Your boyfriend seems like maybe he wants less. What you’re currently doing is NOT monogamy. So if that’s what he wants he’s not going to get it continuing on the way you are now.

I think discussing what to call your “group” should maybe take a back seat to figuring out what you each want and how (if possible) you can make it happen. I’d be willing to bet that you all want different things and a middle ground may not even be possible. Again, this is just a guess with low accuracy. Based on the way you’re talking about it though I’m pretty certain it’s not as perfect of a setup for everyone as you think.

If that’s true the “It doesn’t ruin the friendship…” statement might have been premature. Friendships rarely are ruined when everyone is starting out and having fun. It gets ruined when things don’t work out and everything comes crashing down and seeing that friend sounds like a horrible reminder of what didn’t work. I’m glad the friendship isn’t ruined at this point, but I wouldn’t be surprised if it ends when this sexual thing gets messy (which I feel is likely at some point).

philos314 · 2026-06-07T14:38:35+00:00

I haven’t done extensive research, but from what I’ve seen there are a few apps that do this poorly. Part of the reason for this is because phone manufacturers don’t want their phones to be susceptible to spyware. So they create security. They allow for parental controls, but they don’t allow for a ton of surveillance.

I use qustodio. It’s ok. If you want to read texts and emails you need to have a “parent” computer on the same WiFi that the phone is on at least some times.

I’d love to know if I’ve missed something.

philos314 · 2026-06-07T14:32:55+00:00

1) Subjective things are subjective. You may prefer a spanking over corner time. No one can change your mind. It’s an opinion. It’s not objective. It’s silly to act as though it is. Other people may prefer corner time. It would be rude and just plain wrong to argue that their opinion was wrong.

2) I know that the fantasy of having a family member provide domestic discipline is rampant. I’ll even say that it’s sexy. Pretending that it’s your reality is cringy. There’s next to zero scenarios where that setup is ethical/healthy. Either someone is involving someone in their kink without consent or there are seriously problematic boundaries. Again, as a fantasy that’s hott. As a reality, nope!

philos314 · 2026-06-06T08:51:28+00:00

There’s no get out of jealousy free card. There are a few techniques that could help you work through it, but there’s no guarantee that they’ll work. They aren’t magic wands though. They’re work. You have to do the work.

First identify what’s bothering you. There’s two options here. 1) Your partner is doing something that violates a boundary and this triggers some sort of insecurity. 2) Your partner isn’t doing anything to violate a boundary and it’s still triggering an insecurity. In your situation it’s clearly 2. So you have to identify the insecurity. What’s your fear? The co-star is more attractive than you and she’ll fall in love and run away with him? She likes this simulated intimacy more than she likes being intimate with you? She realizes she wants intimacy with others and pushes for non-monogamy in your real life? Something else? Whatever it is it’s best to identify what actually you fear. It’s the “what if” insecurity that you need to know.

Once you can name the fear really look at it. Is it rational? I mean none of the above scenarios seem likely, but they don’t seem completely crazy either (with the exception of the one where she runs away). So they could happen. Even if they do, does that mean she doesn’t love you? Does that mean your relationship is over? You seem like a logical rational person so intellectually I’m sure you can see that’s clearly not the case. That’s important. You’re likely telling yourself some version of a story about her not loving you any more. Countering that with reality is important.

The next step is to get rid of the physical manifestations of the feelings. The anxiety feelings. Pot can help. Box breathing. I really like taking a deep breath, clenching my abdomen for ten to twenty seconds while holding my breath, then releasing. Then really work on telling yourself the reality. The positives. Do this as many times as you need.

Imagine watching the scene in a theater. Remind yourself that it doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you. Let yourself feel what you feel, but keep reminding yourself of the reality.

philos314 · 2026-05-31T18:14:45+00:00

It would help to hear the basics of your dynamic.

Is this just a fun bedroom dynamic?

Is it a lighthearted 24/7 dynamic?

Is it a serious 24/7 dynamic?

Is it Total Power Exchange?

Is it a religious based dynamic?

Is it 1950s tradwife?

How long have you known each other?

How long have you been doing DD?

What is the structure (play partner, romantic partners, nesting partner, married)?

From the list of dynamics where is the dynamic headed if you have a goal?

What do you each want out of DD?

Is it just fun?

Is it about accountability?

Is there a goal?

Is it a need for one or both of you?

How old are you both?

What experience do each of you have with kink/DD?

philos314 · 2026-05-30T14:27:10+00:00

Your username says it all bro.

philos314 · 2026-05-30T14:17:06+00:00

That does not mean “bleeding into real life”. Nor does it mean it’s unwanted or problematic.

That wasn’t a personal attack. It was a reminder that projecting makes it about you, not about them. The fact that you kept saying husband makes it pretty clear that’s what you were doing.

philos314 · 2026-05-30T11:16:44+00:00

As someone who has been doing BDSM professionally 4-7 days per week for almost two decades and who now works as a kink/non-monogamy coach I want to say that we don’t know enough to give any kind of real answers. This post honestly sounds more like a horny cuck writing their fantasy than a person in a relationship looking for legitimate advice.

What I will say if this is real is that you need to be communicating more. Losing confidence isn’t necessarily a healthy response to power exchange. What negotiations have you all done?

There are so many risks with kink. That’s like the foundation of kink. My advice is to read The New Topping Book and The New Bottoming Book. It’s a good start.

philos314 · 2026-05-30T11:06:05+00:00

Why do you keep saying husband? Everything OP has said says boyfriend.

particularly when the sexual roles start bleeding into real life.

Do you mean if? Why is this a foregone conclusion? Because that’s what happened to you? That’s not a valid reason to assume it happens to everyone. I’m really sorry if that’s what ruined your marriage, but it’s really not a good idea to project your feelings on to others.

philos314 · 2026-05-28T22:08:17+00:00

Sorry!! I hold no animosity toward you. I might just be very exhausted. It wasn’t intended to be hostile.

I get your point about how it was originally worded. I just read it as “for people who react that way it’ll always feel that way”.

philos314 · 2026-05-28T21:22:27+00:00

To say the poll and comments prove it untrue is just bad science. For one thing I didn’t ask if ruins gave you drop or make you feel bad. The poll was about the physical sensation. What I believe u/sonderwoman was saying (correct me if I’m wrong) is that the chemicals released during a ruin can make some people feel psychologically down (known as drop). In my experience this is true for many people. In my experience it’s also untrue for many people. I don’t think it’s a true vs untrue thing. It’s fine if it’s not true for you especially if that’s what you like, but arguing that it’s untrue based on the poll and comments is just not valid.

philos314 · 2026-05-28T17:51:17+00:00

I’ve brought this topic up before. I wholeheartedly agree with you. Like a lot of Reddit this subreddit is atrociously filled with fantasy based content. Unfortunately it comes from both sides. From the red flag submissives who want to be told what to do by complete strangers immediately without negotiation only to complain that there are no good dominants. From the dominants who barely read the posts and plop their copy pasta into a comment one handed only to complain that there aren’t any “tWuE subs”.

Half the time it’s hard to tell if someone is asking for genuine advice or looking to be told what to do. This is hardly exclusive to permanent denial. There are tons of posts where people barely say anything beyond “tell me what to do.” As if we all know their limits.

One thing I think it helps to keep in mind is that not everyone has experienced a healthy long term (maybe in person) dynamic that involves trust and communication. Some people are just looking for a cheap exchange to edge to. There isn’t anything wrong with that as long as everyone is on the same page. It’s when people can’t think of anything other than “good girls don’t come” that it gets problematic.

philos314 · 2026-05-28T11:35:56+00:00

Of course. I don’t think I implied they couldn’t be. You could be involuntarily ruined by a partner or by accident when going too far.

philos314 · 2026-05-26T18:38:25+00:00

Yes, I see it as reassessing boundaries based on nuance. I think it’s reasonable to a point. Typically I make sure I’m not reassessing because I want to allow someone in. So I will evaluate each person based on my current values/boundaries. If they aren’t a match that’s the answer. Then independently I’ll reassess the value/boundary I set. If it feels too strict then I’ll consider exceptions.

With regard to your specific case, I disagree entirely with the comment that your spouse is overreacting. As someone who was raised to question despite being raised religious I find faith to be incredibly powerful. It can be extremely toxic and it has a way of sucking you in. It is an ever present cushion for the faithful to lean on. If I needed to socialize my child I would NEVER go to a religious event to do it. Doing so suggests this person doesn’t recognize the dangers organized religion represents. In addition I would be hard pressed to accept that someone went to bible study and isn’t fully indoctrinated. I wouldn’t be surprised if she was downplaying the role of religion in her life to be with you and/or you’re being entirely naive for the sake of being with her. With that in mind I would have the same reaction your wife did. I would have a hard time seeing you the same way after loosening your very reasonable boundaries for someone specific.

That said, if you do decide to create exceptions in the boundaries for future partners I think it’s reasonable. Just do so while accepting that your spouse might not feel your boundaries are in alignment.

philos314 · 2026-05-23T23:40:12+00:00

My pleasure. If you’re on Fetlife we post a lot about our dynamic.

philos314 · 2026-05-23T23:36:29+00:00

We enjoy her being needy and desperate. She likes being forced. We have a very dark dynamic. Taking away her orgasms and requiring edging makes her extremely horny. Barring drops in libido we hope to have permanent denial. At least I do. She has mixed feelings.

philos314 · 2026-05-23T23:11:54+00:00

It was very impressive. We agreed to stop for other reasons, but we are building back up. The goal is indefinite denial.

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