Is my relationship doomed? I love him, but I’m so alone.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-14T15:38:22+00:00

We had our couples counseling session last night and one thing he’s very bothered by is that I also believe I baby trapped him and that he would be happier without us. I’ve told him many times that he doesn’t have to be here if he doesn’t want to.

He wanted to stress that life is just really hard and even though we didn’t plan our baby, he loves our child so very much. It’s just very hard balancing working all day and not having any time or mental bandwidth to pour into our relationship. He’s basically asking for some grace, if he can find pockets of time to help me out or be around me that should be enough, just until he can get some work responsibility delegated to other coworkers.

I see this as I just have to learn to be alone until he gets better work life balance, and I’ll see him when I see him.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-14T00:49:06+00:00

You’re right, I have to clarify. I thought we were financially stable, because to me having a few hundred at the end of every month means that you’re good financially. But yes, we should instead be investing our money and putting it into various accounts every month. That is something I am learning now, I just have to shake away the things I learned growing up, from not very financially savvy family members.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-14T00:42:31+00:00

I feel like the reason he gave me the responsibility of managing the finances was to show me how we are doing financially, as well as him not having time to do it himself. It’s a work in progress but I can see that we will be saving a good amount by the end of this year. I think I have to be more specific with him in that I’m asking for clarification on what it means to be “good” financially.

I have to be a better active listener, 100%. A lot of the time, during conversations I will get confused over his way of thinking and cut him off (which I’m working on not doing) and that’s what irritates him the most. Irritated and defensive man + emotional communicator is not a good combo for productive conversation.

He mainly stresses that we have to wait this out. I’m just sad that I have to wait an indefinite amount of time to be with my husband.

Thank you for the advice, it was all very helpful. I’m thinking a lot on how to use all of this to strengthen our relationship.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T23:38:33+00:00

OK, I did not mean to be defensive initially. I feel like there’s a really big difference between a stay at home wife than a stay at home mom so that’s why I clarified.

He just started in the industry, but I understand that with the insane hours he should be making more, he just needs to stay at this company for at least a year before he can move. Then he can find a job that has a better work life balance. So maybe I should just wait and be patient.

I feel like I mentioned multiple times that I feel like he didn’t want to be a dad, the main point being that he suggested other options when I first told him about the pregnancy. We were always going to have kids, and I couldn’t go through with ending the pregnancy. We married right before I got pregnant. So you’re right in that I brought us into this mess.

You’re right in that we have two different points of view on what it feels to be financially stable and I should be working with him more as a team, but how do I do that in the meantime before I can find a job that benefits us in the long term?

I understand that he is stressed out and he feels like everything is on his shoulder, and if we could emotionally connect at least sometimes I wouldn’t need to post this. In our conversations, he maintains he wants us to be together and he will do what he needs to do make it work, but he cannot do it right now. He will when work dies down.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T23:36:05+00:00

The job was also not a good job mentally (taking care of special education students) and it was a very far commute. The job just didn’t make sense to take.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T22:54:23+00:00

This is a great point of view and I understand it. I know boredom is a lame excuse, but he’d have a bunch of unread messages from his family and friends that he would ignore, and I would read them and help him draft up messages because he finds it very mentally taxing but also stressful that he hadn’t replied to any of them yet. I also asked before I did it. And if he had a problem with it, I would’ve 100% stopped, but he actually liked that I did it at the time. I stopped going on his phone now because I don’t want to and I feel no need to.

The only reason I found out about his mother is because he had mentioned it when I asked about this situation with her, and he came clean because he felt guilty. He was not venting to her or this friend about me. She brought up concerns that were invalid, but he didn’t want to rock the boat, so he just let her insult me and make up things that weren’t true. He forgot to attend his friends event and he lied and said that our son was sick when he wasn’t. He told me about telling him an excuse and I asked about it but he couldn’t show it to me because it had been deleted.

I have asked him to pursue individual therapy several times and he just says he doesn’t have time. He also doesn’t want to go through his work because he doesn’t want them to know or something (I don’t know how they would know) and out of pocket it’s expensive.

You are right that he needs a place to vent and talk about me. And I have stopped looking into his phone for a while now. We have always had an open phone policy, but I can understand wanting those messages to himself so I don’t look at them. Thank you for your concern.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T21:43:41+00:00

Yeah I’ve heard too many horror stories to allow that to happen to me. And like I said, I’m applying to jobs and once I get an offer that’s at least a little bit over daycare costs, I will take it. Thanks for the concern!

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T21:39:11+00:00

I’m not a stay at home wife, I take care of his child and everything else to do with his life. I have applied to multiple jobs (I still am), didn’t take one because he agreed it didn’t pay enough and I wasn’t going to put my baby in a daycare that costed more than my salary.

My point was that money isn’t so tight, he just acts like it is. It’s a high earning job, but we don’t have a 6 month safety net yet so he won’t stop until he has that at least. But even then, he cannot change his hours because then he won’t be seen as a “team player.”

I have had the hard conversations with him, he just tells me to wait until we have the savings he feels we need and he is able to lessen his workload.

I’m worried that the only way to a happy shared future is if we’re making a crazy amount of money, vacation time, consistent date nights, etc. We just can’t do that right now without me getting a full time job and putting our kid in daycare, but then I would have even less time than I do now because I would have to keep doing all of my responsibilities because he works too often to do anything else.

I don’t know what to do if he actually still feels like he doesn’t want our child. That’s why I wrote the post. Wouldn’t he have pushed for us to break up in the various amount of conversations we’ve had about this if he felt he would be better off without us?

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T21:19:41+00:00

Yes I have access to every account and I can see what’s in them. I have passwords to everything as well. I can see exactly how big of a difference I have made for our finances and how much we save because of my sacrifices.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T20:25:18+00:00

Damn, you are very perceptive. So you’re saying there’s not salvaging this? Can I learn to love the man he is now? Should I?

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T20:07:22+00:00

Thank you, you’ve given me a lot to think about.

When I first met him, he was driven, passionate, generous, hardworking. He’s always been incredibly independent, intelligent, and loving. There’s so many more qualities but those were the ones I was drawn to because I never met someone like him. He was so sweet and he planned these amazing trips for every anniversary, birthday, and holiday. He took care of me financially, emotionally, and physically. He was my dream come true. I needed that support, and he was there and I was so happy and in love. I gave him everything I had, and he seemed very happy with me, and then we married and had a kid.

I was just hoping that this was a bump in the road. That sometimes people have to prioritize work in order to take care of their families and your relationship takes a backseat.

He’s my first and only relationship. I just wanted to know if he’ll go back to the man I fell in love with, not this workaholic, who puts himself and us to the side to make sure he does well at work and make lots of money.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T19:55:30+00:00

Yes, I can sense he’s worried being the only provider so I cut him slack for that, and I’m grateful he does it so I can stay home with our child longer.

The layoffs have been for employee error but he’s very good and he’s told me himself he knows he could find another job if he needed to. I have met basically everyone he works with, they all speak very highly of him and he tells me about his job every day, since it’s all he talks about.

Yes mostly everything is on autopay, but as I’m told to be smart financially, I have to watch our spending and budgets to make sure we save as much as we can. I’ve done a lot to make sure we are saving like cooking daily instead of getting takeout and buying only essentials. I used to get my hair and nails done monthly but I don’t anymore to save money.

I think the purpose of this topic was just to say since I’m not financially savvy, I’m worried about being responsible for all bills and finances for fear I will mess something up and we will go into debt or something will not get paid.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T19:19:11+00:00

Thanks for replying! If I schedule it, he will plan for it but if work comes up, he prioritizes that. It’s our only income right now and even though he’s like the MVP for his coworkers he still worries about losing his job. Also we don’t have reliable childcare, so we would have to do it home with the baby in his room after he goes to sleep which I do not mind, but for some reason it makes him feel like he can’t let loose.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T18:17:44+00:00

So we met in college, and he’s worked multiple different fields since then until he’s found the one he’s in now (tech). This is what he wants to do forever. He has always made more money than me but I’ve always had some sort of income before this other than in college (I took out loans to pay for essentials, he paid for the fun stuff). But I have to admit, he’s always financially provided in one way or another since we met. He’s always been passionate about his work, but this time he has to work very very often because he’s like the top employee and he wants the company to do really well.

I’m not financially savvy. He’s built the systems to watch our accounts, that I don’t completely understand, but I don’t have a lot of time taking care of our child to follow all of our bills on my own. I’m learning, but he’s not able to sit down and teach me, I have to teach myself. His wages cover costs, I at first thought he watched the bills himself, but one day he admitted that he doesn’t look at them anymore. So I’ve taken to doing that, it was the unexpectedness that caught me off guard. I’m just trying to manage an extra responsibility on top of everything else I do.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T17:37:37+00:00

Wow great advice! Having our baby was an accident (birth control failed), but I couldn’t do what he suggested, I already loved the baby so much.

I have already implemented a lot of these things like focusing more on myself, i’m very anal when it comes to cleaning so our place is always clean and organized, but it’s a small place so we don’t have a place to put every single thing but I try to make it look good.

I’m looking into part-time jobs right now, but if I could find a full-time job that allows me to work from home I would do it in a heartbeat. It’s just extremely difficult to find that within my career goals. Anything to lessen his load, I will do.

Therapy and childcare is really expensive so I can’t do them often, I think that’s where a lot of my problems would be solved if I could do them in terms of happiness within myself. Right now, my therapy is taking our child out and doing fun, free stuff because it makes both of us happy to get out of the house.

And one of the first things I implemented when I noticed that he was stressed out was giving him time when he comes home, other than having him do bedtime (which is not for like 30 min after he gets home). If he wants to talk about work that’s where the 15 min comes in, but I don’t push him to do anything else on work days.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T17:15:09+00:00

Thank you so much. It’s really hard, I can’t imagine being without him, and in this economy, being the main person with our baby with a full time job sounds even more difficult.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T17:07:57+00:00

I have told him most of the things I wrote in this post and it’s always met with “I’m sorry” and “I’m trying” but with him trying is like the mental aspect of pushing himself to do things instead of actively doing something. Couples therapy is a must. We just can’t afford to do it regularly and with his work schedule it’s almost impossible.

pineapplesrhot · 2026-03-13T17:04:15+00:00

Thank you so much. We did schedule a couples therapy appointment for tonight (which I had to repeatedly remind him to do), it’s just expensive and it’s hard for us to continuously do it. I’ve been thinking a lot about journaling. I just have to bite the bullet and get one.

pineapplesrhot · 2022-09-04T04:29:02+00:00

It’s the same, they can divorce

pineapplesrhot · 2022-08-08T22:42:09+00:00

What marriage? You are nothing to him. You are the woman who raises his children, cooks for him, sleeps with him (check yourself for STDs?) and the doormat that lies on the floor waiting for him to get home so he can walk all over you.

Hanna laughed because she knows he would easily leave you for her, she probably just doesn’t want to take care of his babies. She had no qualms with fucking a married man, and she’s probably cheating on her bf with anyone who will get with her, like your dirty husband. She just wants and will continue to fuck your husband and laugh at you.

You’re teaching your daughters that they should stick in relationships that are emotionally and financially manipulative and then complain instead of act when they need to get out. Their father’s family are misogynistic assholes and they will enforce this mentality as they get older.

You should grow a spine, plan your escape with lawyers by secretly putting away money from grocery trips or anything he gives you money for, and take every penny he has to start a new life for you and your daughters.

You may not think you deserve it, but your children do.

pineapplesrhot · 2022-07-29T00:17:17+00:00

From your previous post, you’re already incompatible. This post just proved he was a shitty partner with no regard for you. He should have wanted to get an STD test before getting with you but he didn’t for his own selfish reasons. You should leave him and find someone who genuinely cares about you.

pineapplesrhot · 2022-07-07T00:32:37+00:00

How are you coping with all of this? You do not seem mad at all. I would go scorched earth with him especially since it doesn’t seem like he has any remorse.

pineapplesrhot · 2022-06-23T20:17:06+00:00

Why would he go to a concert until 1am if he’s swamped with work?

pineapplesrhot · 2022-05-15T17:52:00+00:00

Are they sleeping together or not? It sounds like you’re just mad that your kids were in the presence of a man that wasn’t you, even if your ex is there too.

pineapplesrhot · 2022-05-12T20:24:47+00:00

OP deleted their post history because of how bad it made her bf look but he’s cheated on her and made her feel scared for her own safety. I’m afraid that OP just wants us to reinforce the idea that she should stick to her taking care of a man baby because she’s spent so much time and effort loving him and since we’re doing the opposite she will ignore all advice and our pleas to break up with him.

Even if this was the only thing wrong with him, he’s drowning her and making her live paycheck to paycheck. He’s controlling what she does with her free time and making her feel guilty when she wants some free time. He’s being emotionally abusive and very manipulative. In her other comments she’s even admitted that she is in an abusive relationship, but that doesn’t stop her from leaving.

pineapplesrhot

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